Anxiety about Sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2006
Anxiety about Sex
12
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 4:27pm
I'm a 33 year old mother of two and recently divorced. I was married for 14 years and have been having a hard time transitioning to being single. I met my ex-husband when I was 17 and we married when I was 19 so I never really dated. The biggest problem that I am having right now is that I am afraid to start dating someone because I know that it will lead to sex and I'm afraid that because I have stretch marks, the guy will be turned off. I'm also afraid that because I can't have an orgasm with vaginal penetration, he may think that I'm sexually disfunctional. The thought of being alone for the rest of my life is gut wrenching but the thought of having to stand naked in front of someone new is absolutely nauseating. It makes my heart race and I feel sick. Has anyone else had this same type of anxiety and if so, how did you handle it?

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Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 4:49pm

I wish I could pat your hand right now and say "There, there."

You say you are newly divorced. Perhaps it's too soon to date? I think we can get in a big rush to "get out there" and start dating, but maybe that's not the best thing for you right now. I think it's very understandable to be anxious about sex, especially if you have some "flaws" that you'd rather a man not see. (And who doesn't?) But you know what? I think that when you do meet a guy that you feel comfortable enough to become sexual with, that he's really not going to care about the stretch marks. Really.

But I am concerned about your comment: "I'm also afraid that because I can't have an orgasm with vaginal penetration, he may think that I'm sexually disfunctional." OK. I'm going to set the record straight for the entire planet: 70% of women (that's right, I said 70%) DO NOT have an orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. Please, please read Shere Hite's book "The Hite Report." She has scientifically documented this and all the misunderstanding it has caused between the sexes. Plus it's just a great book about female sexuality.

I think some men really don't understand this statistic and feel like they've failed somehow sexually, or that there's something wrong with the woman. This is so sad. It's just not true. And you know what? A lot of men simply don't understand how a woman's body works or even basic anatomy. Here's the deal: if you're in that 70% like me, there are ways to have an organsm during intercourse, but you'll have to do something a little "extra" either during or right before.

This reminds me of a very revealing joke: "Women wouldn't have to fake orgasms if men didn't fake foreplay." ;-)

Best of luck...and be sure to give yourself a break.

Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 1:07pm

I am a 32 year-old divorced mother of two as well. I totally agree with the other poster.

You might not be ready to date yet. I think you need to not be afraid to be alone before seriously dating. I'm not saying that you have to like being alone, but if you are afraid to be alone than you are likely to put up with unacceptable behavior in a date/mate.

Don't look at every date as though it might lead to sex (unless you want it to).

I too think that your anxiety will be greatly reduced (if not eliminated) once you are comfortable enough with someone to want to have sex with them.

In my case, if a guy is going to be turned off by my stretch marks - then he's not for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 11-19-2006 - 3:46am

LOL!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 7:53am
As a male reader, I would like to pass along some personal observations regarding the subject of body image insecurities. Men share those insecurities about their own bodies as well. The most important thing to remember is don't have sex with anyone until you know each other well enough to feel comfortable. I am not saying that you won't feel some anxiety initially but realize that it is normal and he feels it too. From a male's point of view, it's an ego booster for a man to sleep with a woman on the first or second date but many times if that relationship continues, a man begins to question a woman's moral values and whether she was that easy with everyone. It may make it more difficult to consider her as long term partner. I know this sounds hypocritical but the double standard unfortunately still exists. Also, I am sure everyone would agree that once the physical relationship starts, it makes it more difficult to build an emotion one. The line between physical and emotional becomes blurry quickly. Relax and slow down. Remember, if he won't continue dating you because you won't have sex, he's not worth dating at all. Don't become another notch on his bedpost.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2005
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 8:04am
Make sure you have an emotional connection with him first and formost before you start to get intimate. If a man feels emotionally connected to you it wont matter what your body looks like. And another piece of advice ...I know you didnt ask for it but I was in your shoes years ago..if a man wont wait until you are ready to be intimate then he is not worth it and move on to someone who is willing to wait..remember your needs are important too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2006
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 10:25am
I sooooo feel for you. I married the guy that became my bf when I was 15, was married 5 years, 2 kids and millions of hideous stretch marks. I'm now 29. I really have learned to love my body, who cares if my skin isn't perfect. I wouldn't trade my 2 beautiful perfect children for a flat mark free tummy. Any man that loves me will love my children and therefore understand how important those stretch marks are to me. Just embrace the body you are in, and respect it, because it's the only one you have.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 12:15pm
Hi in reply to your message I haven't been in a situation like yours but I'm willing to help, well for the stretch marks I recommend Cocoa Butter lotion, plus stretch marks aren't the end of the world if this new person your dating can't accept you for how you are then it's not worth it. No one's perfect and if they are, it's almost always that they got some things done, but us women have this strange vision of being perfect and that if we aren't perfect then no man will want us. But let me tell you something, that vision is not real, there are alot of men in this world and they all don't have artificial hearts. So I'm confident that you will find someone, who completes you in everyway possible. Now for the sex question I recommend if your scared that you won't be able to have an Orgasm, don't blame your self,it may not even be your fault and this is something that can be worked on with your sexual partner (so don't freak out)...and I recommend that you relax and clear your mind because when your body is in a stressful mode it's harder to reach Climax, so enjoy and know that you have options. Just make sure you get to know the person your dating so that you won't be feeling nauseating, but in stead comfortable with this new person.
Good luck,
Sexologist Alexi (:
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 2:13pm

I'm 32, 5'3", 105lbs, never had kids and I have all of the same anxieties you do. Stretchmarks from losing weight, no boobs anymore, never orgasmed via the good ol' fashioned way.

I am now with a great man who struggles a bit because he can't get me there but we have a lot of fun trying.

I've always hated dating and loved being married. The stability and not having to guess anything but I hid my body more with him that I did with my current man.

You'll find someone who will make you feel comfortable ... don't worry. Plus, men don't really look at what you think are the bad parts 'during the act' anyway, they really are focusing on the good stuff ... what they like or they wouldn't be able to 'keep it up' ... so think about that.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2006
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 3:33pm
Even though I'm a bit younger than you are, I am also in your position. My ex-fiance and I were together for almost 10 years and had a child together three years ago before we broke it off about 6 months ago. I am also having a hard time transitioning to the dating scene. I began my relationship with my ex when I was 16 and am now 25. I've found that it's much easier to date guys who you are already friends with or at least already associate with. I have been on a couple dates recently and each resulted in some form of messing-around. However, on the second date with one of my long-time friends we ended up having sex. I was sort've self conscious about myself during because I also no longer have the "perfect Victoria Secret model body" that I feel most guys are after nowadays due to having a baby. But because I had known the guy for almost 6 years, I was a little more comfortable than if it was with someone new. Just make sure that you're ready for that step before taking the plunge, and making sure that your friends with the guy beforehand (whether you've been friends with him in the past, or allow yourself time to develop the friendship) will definitely help you! Also remember that you are not alone, a lot of women have had to experience this as well, including me! :) Oh - and remember that not EVERY guy that dates you wants to automatically sleep with you early on. There are guys who DO exist that want to wait to have sex until the relationship has developed more fully. If they push the sex card early on - they're probably not worth your time because they obviously don't care about getting to know you before you both do the deed. Keep me posted!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 10:04pm
I for one know exactly what you are talking about I to am a single mother of one with stretch marks on my body its a part of life after having kids it human the way I handle my sexual encounters is I dont completely undress unless I feel completely comfortable with the person an if the guy you are tryin to be intimate with cant handle a few stretch marks he really isnt a man now is he you jus need to find a man who's mature enough to be with a real woman because thats exactly what you are a real woman I'm only 21 turning 22 an I'm going through an feeling the same exact thing as you an I just go with the flow its not as hard as it seems

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