Anxiety about Sex
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Anxiety about Sex
| Tue, 11-14-2006 - 4:27pm |
I'm a 33 year old mother of two and recently divorced. I was married for 14 years and have been having a hard time transitioning to being single. I met my ex-husband when I was 17 and we married when I was 19 so I never really dated. The biggest problem that I am having right now is that I am afraid to start dating someone because I know that it will lead to sex and I'm afraid that because I have stretch marks, the guy will be turned off. I'm also afraid that because I can't have an orgasm with vaginal penetration, he may think that I'm sexually disfunctional. The thought of being alone for the rest of my life is gut wrenching but the thought of having to stand naked in front of someone new is absolutely nauseating. It makes my heart race and I feel sick. Has anyone else had this same type of anxiety and if so, how did you handle it?

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I wish I could pat your hand right now and say "There, there."
You say you are newly divorced. Perhaps it's too soon to date? I think we can get in a big rush to "get out there" and start dating, but maybe that's not the best thing for you right now. I think it's very understandable to be anxious about sex, especially if you have some "flaws" that you'd rather a man not see. (And who doesn't?) But you know what? I think that when you do meet a guy that you feel comfortable enough to become sexual with, that he's really not going to care about the stretch marks. Really.
But I am concerned about your comment: "I'm also afraid that because I can't have an orgasm with vaginal penetration, he may think that I'm sexually disfunctional." OK. I'm going to set the record straight for the entire planet: 70% of women (that's right, I said 70%) DO NOT have an orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. Please, please read Shere Hite's book "The Hite Report." She has scientifically documented this and all the misunderstanding it has caused between the sexes. Plus it's just a great book about female sexuality.
I think some men really don't understand this statistic and feel like they've failed somehow sexually, or that there's something wrong with the woman. This is so sad. It's just not true. And you know what? A lot of men simply don't understand how a woman's body works or even basic anatomy. Here's the deal: if you're in that 70% like me, there are ways to have an organsm during intercourse, but you'll have to do something a little "extra" either during or right before.
This reminds me of a very revealing joke: "Women wouldn't have to fake orgasms if men didn't fake foreplay." ;-)
Best of luck...and be sure to give yourself a break.
I am a 32 year-old divorced mother of two as well. I totally agree with the other poster.
You might not be ready to date yet. I think you need to not be afraid to be alone before seriously dating. I'm not saying that you have to like being alone, but if you are afraid to be alone than you are likely to put up with unacceptable behavior in a date/mate.
Don't look at every date as though it might lead to sex (unless you want it to).
I too think that your anxiety will be greatly reduced (if not eliminated) once you are comfortable enough with someone to want to have sex with them.
In my case, if a guy is going to be turned off by my stretch marks - then he's not for me.
LOL!
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Good luck,
Sexologist Alexi (:
I'm 32, 5'3", 105lbs, never had kids and I have all of the same anxieties you do. Stretchmarks from losing weight, no boobs anymore, never orgasmed via the good ol' fashioned way.
I am now with a great man who struggles a bit because he can't get me there but we have a lot of fun trying.
I've always hated dating and loved being married. The stability and not having to guess anything but I hid my body more with him that I did with my current man.
You'll find someone who will make you feel comfortable ... don't worry. Plus, men don't really look at what you think are the bad parts 'during the act' anyway, they really are focusing on the good stuff ... what they like or they wouldn't be able to 'keep it up' ... so think about that.
Good luck!
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