26 yo, and dateless in 2.5 years - help

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2004
26 yo, and dateless in 2.5 years - help
4
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 2:02am

help. whats wrong with me. i am 26 yrs old, slim and fi. but have been without a date for over 2.5 years now.
when i was 19 i was all over the place.. was hooking up with European guys left right center from the internet. i was very shy in person and was usualy teased about my looks by Indian boys in school and ever since then i have averted local indian guys in favor of western guys (thinking to myself - they are here for a short time, they cant be too picky. so they'll definately not reject me). the whole internet dating/mails were wonderful - until the time i actually met this guy. i was 19, he was 43. we had talked about sex and the possibilty of it through our mails (i was a virgin then and very keen on 'getting it over with'). and this guy forcibly had anal sex with me. ever since then i feel scarred. after that i went about meeting up with Internet guys that strangely enough were exactly like this first guy of mine in profile (older, or married etc). about 10 of them in that one year following that incident.
then suddenly i stopped all that. maybe because i started earning my own money etc, or whatever. but just felt i was better than what i got from these guys. that was over 2 years ago.
somehow am reluctant to get back out there. also when my father found out i had sex with this guy, he called me 'a cheap whore' , that for him, i was cheaper than the cheapest whore the guy could find. That (though true) hurt like hell but was determined not to shed a tear in front of dad and show my weakness or admit i was wrong with my choice of men. he knows only about my first ghuy and he thinks we had concentual sex. am scared to death thinking what he will think of me if i do get back out there in the dating world and fail again. thats one of the major factors. another factor is i have this hangup with western guys and western guys alone. teh only western guys i can find here are tourists or manager-types who do not want a serious relationship. recently this Italian guy living in bombay contacted me to be freinds or whatever. and somehow i keep making excuses not to meet. and i was like thinking "what is the matter with me. whats stopiing you? the fact that he is italian, single and living in bombay?" .
i feel i have forgiven ,yself for my past mistakes, but somehow they seem to weigh down heavily on any future attempt i make at going out with a guy.
did all that make sense to anyone? Help!

zenobia

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 5:07am

miz_zenobia...

Pianoguy might be way off base, but you appear to have 2 different issues:

a. Your Dad's approval?
b. "A matter of trust" when it comes to whether you wish to be with any man?

In the first case...Dad has got a mindset that you're a tramp! Apparently, he had high expectations for his daughter? So when you decided to lose your virginity to a man who was more than twice your age...(and probably closer to that of your Dad's)...the dreams and expectations he had (for you) ENDED! You're probably never going to change his mind so DON'T TRY! Your feelings....good or bad, right or wrong....are what they are!

In issue #2...your preference for "western guys" has probably alienated some of your friends? Perhaps you've also gotten mixed signals from 'men of all ages' who aren't quite sure how intensely they should pursue you? Keep in mind that different cultures can make a man (or a woman) a little nervous?

It's just one man's opinion, but you NEED to try to resolve the 'after-pain' from anal sex? I think this might be the obstacle that's holding you back? And it's probably preventing you from resolving the "do I want a serious relationship---including sex" question in your life right now!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2004
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 1:41am

Thanks PianoGuy for responding!

About Issue#1...Do you think i should tell my parents about my date rape? do you think they'd understand or just start lecturing "i told u so..." ? Its not that they remind me of the incident each day. But my father shows his disapproval over EVERYTHING I DO. he doesnt like my clothes (He actually tore up the mini i wore when he found out i went to meet a 40 yr old guy in that!), he doesnt like my tattoo, he doesnt like my taste in music, men, magazines, Tv etc. No wonder i used to go to work even on sat/sundays to escape him.
About issue #2...Funny thing i didnt even realize all this and never shed a tear when it actually happened. Its only about a year back when this Belgian guy started working in my office that all of a sudden i felt all these emotions. when he dropped me home and didnt want anything "in return", i actually cried and told him "you are so sweet, you are restoring my faith in men bit by bit"

about the western guy fixtion.. i know its wrong, but cant seem to let go. i have NEVER been with an idnian guy..western guys are all i know and feel comfortable with.

i spent most of this year resolving all these feelings of inadequacy, shame etc. now i know i am in a better position, i know i do not want to go back *there*..but my main problem is i think i feel STUCK. dont wanna go back, but dont feel i am making any real progress moving forward.

Lets say i even go out with this Italian guy..i'm not even sure what i tell my parents. Its not that they do not allow me out the house, its just they will start again with what happened before. Do i lie and make excuses until atleast i am in a serious relationship with someone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 11:58am

I wanted to touch on the date rape part.... you're already thinking that they might say "told ya so".... so I wouldn't tell them.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 6:49am

miz_zenobia...

Pianoguy agrees with Karen on ISSUE #1. If you know that disclosure about the rape will bring you more headaches and discomfort...either keep the issue to yourself or discuss it with someone who can be understanding and sympathetic. .

As for the type(s)of men you choose to date---doesn't this really comes down to personal preference?

If you can handle the possibility of hurt and rejection in conjunction with satisfaction and fulfillment---it's really YOUR call!

Pianoguy