Recently dating...but big EX problem!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Recently dating...but big EX problem!
3
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 4:07am

Hello, everyone. I am new to this board, so I will just tell you a bit about myself before I tell you my problem.

I am 27 years old, and I've been single for about 7 months. My last relationship was serious, we were engaged. When that didn't work out, I decided being single was what I needed because I had some emotional stuff I needed to fix, and the only way to do that is outside of a relationship! I am currently seeing a psychiatrist for my emotional woes. To make a long story short, I grew up without a Dad, since he died when I was very young. I didn't have a male role model in my life, so when I'm in a relationship I get quite clingy and needy for attention. I also tend to rely on men to boost my self esteem, since it is quite low! These are things I am addressing in my sessions, and I feel I want to "fix" myself before I can have a successful relationship. I have had a lot happen to me in my life, my mother died 7 years ago, and recently my oldest sister was murdered. That is a whole other story, but I feel that it has some relevance here because I feel that part of the reason I wanted to date again is to take the focus off the negative for awhile and have something good happen in my life!

I had been talking to a guy I met online, but I hadn't really been looking for someone to date. I did have a profile up on a dating website, but mainly just to see what was out there, not really to start seriously dating! But I ended up meeting this guy and talking online and on the phone on a regular basis. We really connected, but at first I was still skeptical. I just wasn't sure if I was ready or what I was ready for! We had been talking for several months, since September, I believe, when I decided on a whim one day to invite him out for coffee. He was pretty surprised, because I had been even less ready to meet him after my sister died, since my focus was on my family and grieving. But one day I just had the urge to meet him....spontaneously. So we did meet for coffee, and we hit it off. About a week later I went over to his place to help him decorate his christmas tree...and we had a lot of fun! The third time I went there, we ended up making out and eventually ended up in the bedroom. It was probably too fast, but it happened! We had sex a few more times within the next couple weeks, and then a few days ago we were talking online, and he told me that he missed his EX! Now, I do appreciate his honesty...but I was incredibly insulted by this! He said that because it's christmas time, and he's used to spending christmas with her, he had been thinking about her a lot lately. His ex and him had been together for 14 years, 9 of which they were married...and it's been over a year since the marriage ended. She told him she didn't love him anymore, and he suspected she had been cheating but she never owned up to it. There was a lot of evidence to support his suspicions, though. Anyway, I told him I didn't know what I was supposed to do with that, and he said he didn't either...and he was confused. I didn't tell him right away that I was insulted, because I didn't really feel that way immediately... but by the next day I was pretty angry! I sent him an email, which I will post here... I want you guys to tell me if I was out of line with what I said, please! Here it is:

I was pretty surprised to hear you say that you've been thinking about your ex lately. I just can't wrap my head around that, because I don't get how she deserves that....I mean, she treated you like S***! She CHEATED on you, and even to this day she can't even admit it! She obviously doesn't respect you much if she can't even own up to what she did wrong, even after everything is said and done. I'm sure she has some good qualities, too, but she took you for granted. You guys spent all those years together, and she doesn't even appreciate it enough to stick by you and try to make it work. So much for "for better or for worse"....yet here you are, still pining after someone who has that little respect for you! I just don't get why she deserves that much from you.

I have enjoyed spending time with you and getting to know you. And you're probably right about the sex happening too soon, but we can slow things down if it's too much. We haven't even been out on a "real" date yet! So I can understand why you might be getting freaked out about stuff...but I didn't think it had anything to do with your ex! I am hoping that we can continue to date, but now it's completely up to you. I'll be here, but I'm not going to make any more moves. I'd love to do something with you today or tomorrow, because I have the next 2 days off, but you're going to have to call me. I'm not going to be a fool and keep trying if I'm not even the one on your mind! I guess the good girls finish last...because I would never do to anyone the things she did to you...yet somehow she still wins. Just remember that she's probably not thinking of you, she's probably just thinking of herself.
Anyway, let me know what you want to do. ~Sabrina

I didn't get a response to this email, but we did talk online the next day... and I guess I was coming across as angry, so he started getting mad at me for this. He told me that I should be understanding and realize that it's difficult for him to start dating someone new after all those years of being with the same person. Well, I do understand that must be hard, but I think he's completely out of line to tell me that I should UNDERSTAND! Should I? Wouldn't anyone be insulted by this? I thought things were going so well with him, we were really connecting, and I thought he really liked me. He claims that he does, but he's just confused. He went offline abruptly last night, probably because he was mad at me... and he didn't come online at all tonight. He's been sick, so that might be the reason, but I think it's more likely he is pissed at me. I wrote him another email when he went offline last night, but I still haven't gotten a response.

I realize that I probably wasn't ready to start dating in the first place, and I didn't intend for things to get serious with this guy, but I think he was afraid of that happening. I wanted to just take it slow, and the sex probably wasn't a good idea but it didn't mean that anything had to get serious. I am starting to regret the fact that I started dating again, but I wasn't expecting something like this! I have no idea how to handle this, so any input would be appreciated! I'm sorry this ended up being so long! ~Sabrina




Edited 12/8/2006 4:20 am ET by sabrinajoy79
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 2:27pm

Sabrina,


I think that you've answered your own question.... you said "I decided being single was what I needed because I had some emotional stuff I needed to fix, and the only way to do that is outside of a relationship! I am currently seeing a psychiatrist for my emotional woes."


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 5:40pm
I wasn't exactly "scouting out dates"...I just wanted to see what was out there, that's why I joined the dating site. I really wasn't intending to actually meet anyone for quite a while. I guess I feel a little like I want to get a move on things, though...I mean, I'll be 28 next month, and I just want to get to that stage of life! I want to get married, have babies, have a house! I am the last sibling to do these things, and many of my friends are finished having babies! I just feel like it's my turn now. I do realize that this can't happen until I'm "fixed", but that doesn't stop my desire to have these things! Does that make sense? ~Sabrina
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 9:21pm

Sure, it makes sense (and I hope that my "tone" wasn't misinterpreted).


I guess... well, I'm probably too methodical :-)


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~