Need Serious Cuddling. OK w/o full sex.
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| Tue, 12-12-2006 - 3:02am |
Long title: Need Serious Cuddling. OK w/o full sex. Too bad, huh?
OK, first, I'm a guy. Yech
Second, I don't think I'm in the right place. I'm not "rejoining the Dating Game". Yeesh. But I couldn't find a better section to where I'm at. And some of the subjects in this area seemed close to where I'm at.
I'm going to be blunt here, so if you are a delicate sweet soul, don't read on.
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##### No Sweeties past this point ######
##### Caution: Love-starved male past this point ####
I haven't had a relationship in a decade plus, and frankly I just don't think I will find someone I want to live with. I like living alone and am having trouble visualizing living with someone else successfully. Yet I want companionship and someone to do things with.
I used to go to AA and Al-Anon meetings and lots of women seemed desperate for hugs.
I remember one woman giving a speech at an Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting saying she needed more than the the pefunctory hug.
So there seems to be a "market" for people who need hugs.
OK, delicate souls, A 4-second hug isn't going to do it for me. I need more than a hug. But I can accept less than full sex. At my age (where full sex is no longer an obsession) I could do with a good 10 minute+ cuddling session. That would be great. But read on for what would be super-great.
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I remember one relationship I had in which there wasn't full-blown sex for many months. But (gasp), she would lay on top of me while I gave her a back rub with my left hand with "pink goop" (I forget the brand of lotion).
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With the right hand I would masturbate.
Later on in the relationship, when there was full sex ("cake with the frosting"), sometimes she would have a headache or whatever, and would ask for "cake without the frosting". That meant what I described above -- giving her a back rub while I masturbated. Not 100% satisfactory to me but 95+%. I never expected life to be a utopia all the time. Still close enough to paradise.
Well, that relationship is sadly over 10 years ago for various reasons.
I've been concentrating on my profession and politics, and haven't had a date since 1996 or so (10 years). I'm beginning to see my life slip away, and I'M STARTING TO GET SICK OF THIS - no relation, nobody, no touch, no nada. I have a ton of intelligence and am starting to think that I ought to be able to figure out how to have a better life.
I really think there are a lot of women who don't want sex (unless Mr. Right comes along) but who, like me, in the meantime, NEED SERIOUS CUDDLING and wouldn't mind my masturbation. And if they wanted more than the backrub, I have a vibrator, fingers, and tongue, and lots and lots of willingness to be fair if you get my drift.
What should I do? What would a Craigs List ad look like? Or am I kidding myself? Is it no intimacy of any kind without commitment? Am I just another stupid male asking for something with little in return? Am I being "selfish"? Sheesh.
Thanks
Jim

Well, that's interesting.... I guess I'm finding it difficult to relate because... I can see myself having another "relationship" down the road that might be marriage material... but on the other hand, that's far from the top of my priority list, and having a "buddy" to cuddle with or.... whatever... does seem nice (but quite frankly, while the "back rub" thing might be ok when I actually was tired... well, since we're being so blunt... nothing short of intercourse compares... and anybody with any sense knows that orgasm is the #1 headache reliever :-)
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
I can relate to what you're saying. The only close physical contact we're allowed as adults is with a sexual partner. If you lose your partner, you not only lose sex, but also hugging, holding, sleeping next to another person, and almost all other touching. What's left is quick hugs and, if you're willing to pay for it, massages, which are lovely. I miss being touched, and touching.
Frances
Frances,
I miss touching and being touched too. I have a cat to pet, but that's not enough. My son is at an age when you can't even hug him hello. My daughter is away in college. I get the occasional quick hug hello from a friend, but that's about it.
However, what the original poster of this message was talking about was that he was willing to have a "relationship" that didn't involve intercourse so long as he could have some kind of sexual release.
For my part, I would like to have both intercourse and "serious cuddling." My ex-husband was okay at the intercourse part but terrible at the cuddling part. It was one of the things that ruined our marriage. All touching for him became sexual. I like sensual (not just sexual) cuddling/touching, but I also like intercourse.
Right now, I have a cat to touch and, as you say, the occasional massage.
But I'd rather celibacy than the false, forced intimacy of a marriage that had fallen apart.
Elsa
Jim 12/12> I used to go to AA and Al-Anon meetings and lots of women seemed desperate for hugs. I remember one woman giving a speech at an Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting saying she needed more than the the pefunctory hug. So there seems to be a "market" for people who need hugs.
Anyone ever hear of Cuddle Parties? Karen? Anyone? You can find plenty by Googling "cuddle parties" with the quotes. But I get the impression that they were a good idea but that quickly died out. My guess is that the negatives of dealing with someone one found unattractive out-weighed the positives?
Anyway, Thanks very much for the response. I appreciate you took the time to respond. I know I sound pretty pathetic.
Jim 12/12> I haven't had a relationship in a decade plus, and frankly I just don't think I will find someone I want to live with. I like living alone and am having trouble visualizing living with someone else successfully. Yet I want companionship and someone to do things with. <
Karen> Well, that's interesting.... I guess I'm finding it difficult to relate because... I can see myself having another "relationship" down the road that might be marriage material... but on the other hand, that's far from the top of my priority list, and having a "buddy" to cuddle with or.... whatever... does seem nice <
OK, for years I at least visualized living with someone and "commitment" and "long-term relationship" didn't particularly scare me because I wanted that too. OR SO I HONESTLY THOUGHT.
Long ago, I felt I very definitely wanted to live with someone. Marriage -- I would explore that. I have no problem with what's accumulated together is half-and-half in case of a divorce. (My mother worked like crazy to put my father through college for example and certainly deserved half of the higher income that he earned as a result). But I really wanted to be sure that the net worth I had before the marriage was not also at risk. Call that a "fair marriage"
Anyway, taking my last relationship as an example -- 1987-1995 Plus. When I started, I really had the dream of a live-together relation or a fair marriage. But as talk turned to the future, I just couldn't get into the reasonable compromises, e.g. selling my townhouse which doesn't allow dogs, Jan (not her real name) loves dogs and so do I) and all the uprooting and other changes.
My mother finally remarked on my SEVEN year relationship with Jan with no marriage and not even a live-together relation, "aren't you exploiting her?"
That hurt a lot. That REALLY hurt a lot. Because my self-image is one of being a fair and decent person, not an "exploiter".
Anyway, given the above history, and my feelings about things now, I just don't think I can honestly present myself as marriage material or even live-together material. I also don't want to overstate how much time or inclination I have to "doing stuff together". Some time and inclination, but not as much as most would hope or expect, I don't think.
Maybe I will meet someone who I absolutely cannot lose and will happily agree to marriage or whatever else she wants, but I consider that possibility a far-fetched fairy tail. I pride myself in hard-headed realism.
Anyway, after thinking about it much more, I've pretty much given up the idea. Even trying for a 2-minute no-funny-stuff cuddle or some-such. (2 minutes probably won't get me steamed up so that I will urgently want something more). The logistical problems -- I'm not willing to drive long for 2 minutes! If its after one of those Al-anon or whatever meetings in a car in a parking lot ... or in a stairwell. Enough.
Hmmm. At least the general idea seems to have found some resonance. But no solutions to the dilemma -- I guess the real dilemma as the average male may start out with sweet innocent intentions but at some point won't be satisfied without more. Probably describes me too, though its been so long (years and years) that I've done something like this.
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Jim 12/12> And if they wanted more than the backrub, I have a vibrator, fingers, and tongue, and lots and lots of willingness to be fair if you get my drift. <
Karen > (but quite frankly, while the "back rub" thing might be ok when I actually was tired... well, since we're being so blunt... nothing short of intercourse compares... and anybody with any sense knows that orgasm is the #1 headache reliever :-) ).
Well, I'm not excluding my "full services", which are available. But the reality of the situation from my point of view is that women don't avail themselves of my "full services" unless there is some possibility of something long-term.
My mother's words again haunt me "Seven years? aren't you exploiting her?"
YES DAMN IT, I CAN EASILY GET LAID IF I WERE TO LIE. Lots of low-income desperate gals out there. But besides exploiting that being wrong, I much prefer sex for who I am rather than who I pretend to be. Besides, lying to get sex is rape in my mind. And my self-image is NOT of being a rapo.
I can't imagine either gender accomplishing sexual climax with a real headache. From the male point of view, beginning sex with a headache means approaching climax with a super-piercing headache which makes release impossible or at best "relief" but no joy (under substantial pain). I imagine it is about the same for females.
On the other hand, we males have difficutly understanding the "tired" thing. After all, we do all the work in bed!
Hummm.... "we (men) do all the work in bed"--who's bed have you been in, anyway?
That just ain't fair... not atall.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
/\_/lq pl /}
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Thanks imissit for the mention of adultFriendFinder.com
I am glad to see that there is a man out there that is willing to admit that cuddling is important to him! I have days where I hope I don't see an affectionate couple cuz sometimes it really is too much. I know exactly what you mean about even if there is not sex (now that isn't bad either)because people who are always cuddled and loved can't imagine what it is like to be without that connection! :(
I wish you many hugs in the new year.
Suzie
Thanks Suzie! May your new year be filled with hugs and cuddling too.