Just a little Venting....
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| Tue, 12-19-2006 - 4:17pm |
Hello Everyone,
Ok I'll try to make this as short as possible. I have been single for about two years, by choice. I wanted to take time off from dating before jumping into another relationship and also to figure out what I wanted in a relationship. I realized that I do not want to be in a relationship because I don't want all the drama that comes with it, like someone asking where I am, what I'm doing and who I'm with. Ok so I met this guy (we met years ago, but nothing serious) he's really nice and initially I wanted to just catch up and see how he was. So we've been hanging out often and we get along good, but I still don't want to be in a relationship. He, on the other hand wants us to be in a relationship. I've explained this to him so many times, but it's like he just tries harder. Another thing is that I'm not the affectionate type and he is. I don't need him to hold my hand or hug and kiss me all the time! It's almost like he's being the girl (needing attention, wanting to see each other/talk everyday) and I'm being the guy (not very affectionate, distanced). If I think about it, any girl would be happy to be with him because he's sweet and considerate and just a good guy. But, unfortunately I'm not where he is. Should I keep him around and maybe someday I'll be at the level he is? I don't want to be mean to him but sometime he's just trying too hard, when he shouldn't be! Any comments/suggestions? Thanks for reading and Merry Christmas to everyone!!!

Well, as long as things are basically "working"... keep him around, but just be clear that you are BOTH going to keep the doors open.
I know, for me, I just don't allow myself that much "cuddle time" when I'm in a relationship... but it might be better if I did make some time for that.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Hi there! Just discovered this board (new to iVillage since Sept.) - some of the other bds are not so 'friendly' (ie. CC/EAs). I am amazed at how many Aquarians are here! (i'm one too! -- Jan. 22) -- i guess we're a supportive bunch, who happen to all be at a similiar 'stage' right now. I'm actually in the midst of a D (Karen, I appreciate all the helpful advice you dispense on the Surv D bd), so am not at the 'dating' stage yet, and can't even quite envision it, as it's been over 20 yrs. for me!
Anyway, I agree with both of you over the idea of keeping 'one's options open', and taking it slowly to give oneself space and time to make the right connection. I can definitely relate to the idea of being at different 'places' emotionally, and having different 'needs'. I can also see how the 'F w/benefits' idea might not fly with every one, for the same reason -- having different 'needs/expectations' of a relationship. Keeping the communication flowing is key in any relationship to avoid misunderstandings/hurt feelings.
In any case, I definitely believe in cherishing those moments that 'take your breath away,'
and that applies to everything in our lives, as life is too short to do otherwise! (Those of us with kids, know about that!)
Thank you, thank you... and yes, Aquarians do ROCK!
And ya know, I'm not really pushing the dating thing either.... just keeping my options open :-)
Glad to see ya here.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
I have been seperated for a little over two years now but my divorce will be finalized in Feb.! I'm so excited that's the last step. I procrastinated on it for too long! I think it was just one of those things that only time can heal and things seem to fall into place as time goes by. Unfortunately the "time" varies for everyone. Hang in there with time things will be better.
I'm having a hard time figuring out why I do not want to be in a relationship with this guy "J". I thought it may be that I'm not ready for this, but that's not the case because I'm open to meeting new people. Maybe it's that I like being single again. I have lots of guy friends that are just that "friends" and we hang out and have a good time. So I want the same with "J".
I just think he's getting too close too soon. Like once we were hanging out at my place and I made a comment about us being able to see other people and he started crying!!! He tried telling me how he cared a lot about me and to be honest it was a huge turn off for me. Then we went to a party this past weekend and a guy started having a conversation with me. He noticed I was standing next to "J" and asked if we were married. My answer: NO! Then he asked "Boy friend/ Girl Friend?" I again said "no, we're just friends". So as the night went on a bunch of girls started dancing together (including me) and the guy cut in and started dancing with me. I didn't think anything of it but "J" was super upset and we ended up leaving earlier than expected. As he was saying goodbye to his brother (who happened to be there) he started crying again! I was soooooooo upset at him that night! It's not that I don't like him, he's a really nice guy. He'll do anything I ask him for and anything to make me happy. I just wish he'd be a normal guy! Sorry I had to vent a little more! Thanks for reading!
I haven't gotten around to doing my profile yet, but am always interested to read others', esp. if I feel some kind of 'link' to them. Sometimes, in person, the 'vibe' is so strong with some Aquarians, that I find myself asking their astrological sign (not something I normally ask of people!). My son, almost 13, is also an Aquarian, but on the cusp (1/20), so he may be more of a Capricorn, but I haven't quite figured it out yet! I definitely agree that Aquarians ROCK!
I am in the midst of the whole divorce process, and it's pretty tough, esp. since we haven't told our kids yet (also have a 15yo D). H & I are still living in the same house (though in diff BRs) and are working on sorting out all the fin'l issues, as amicably as possible through mediation. Despite all this, it's pretty tense at times, but am managing to stay calm and have lots of supportive friends.
That said, I can certainly appreciate, as with many things, that each of us 'arrives' at our own pace in our own time, whatever the situation. So it's best to trust oneself and go with our inner energy and guidance. I've definitely grown a lot through it all and know that everything will work out in the 'end.'
Anyway, about your friend, 'J'...it sounds like he has some issues to work out for himself and suffers from lack of self-esteem, among other things. I can imagine it's a burden to not know when he going to 'break-down.' Clearly you don't need someone who's so dependent and emotionally-needy, not to mention, possessive. Somehow he needs to understand that you are not looking for a relationship like this right now (or maybe ever), and that he needs to give you space or the friendship won't work. It sounds like you've tried to explain all this to him, but he's clearly in denial or just very persistent. I guess if you just keep emphasizing that you need time and space to 'work things out' for yourself, by yourself...hopefully he'll get the message and cool off for a while.
It's great to have a place to 'vent' and get advice & support! Good luck!
Thanks for your advise with "J". I never really thought of it that way. I have spoken to a couple of close friends of mine about him, but they thought I was pushing him off because of everything I went through with my STBX. That's also something I hadn't thought about. I'm thinking that it may be me who has issues because as I mentioned before he's a great guy and I'm sure any girl would be happy to have a b/f like him, but I'm not there yet. Then in the back of my head I'm thinking that when I am ready to find a b/f then I probably will not find a nice guy! Life is funny that way I guess? Sigh..... What's a girl to do?
I don't think I've mentioned it but I also have a 4 yr. old beautiful daughter. Thanks again for reading!
Hey there! You & your daughter are both adorable (from your pic)!! Yeah, I consider myself pretty strong at this point in my life, and feel empowered in that i'm taking steps to be in better control of various areas of my life. (Last year was a tough one for me as I lost my dad (who had alzheimer's) and a close uncle (cancer) within 3 weeks). Through all this, the lasting lesson is that life is too short not to be happy. I know all about the 'me' time concept!
So, towards that goal...I've gone back to school and have a super part-time job (after being a SAHM for over 15 yrs), on top of keeping up with my teens and their wants & needs! I try not to let things get me down (believe me, I have my 'moments' too). So true...your comment about not knowing how you'll react or knowing what to do in a situation, until you're in that situation! I tell my friends...'you only know what you know' and 'you don't know what you don't know (or haven't experienced).' Of course, it's so much easier to give other people advice than to see things 'clearly' in one's own life, so different perspectives on situations are helpful.
The good thing is you have your daughter to focus on, aside from yourself. When you're ready for a deeper relationship, you'll know. I would not worry about the 'nice guy' part as you will be more conscious and aware in the next relationship you choose to enter. In the meantime, give yourself all the love, attention & space that you need & enjoy life!!