Pianoguy is currently a member of match.com....but has avoided eharmony.
Unfortunately, match.com has a tendency to repeat the same pictures and profiles over and over. The few match.com ladies who have responded to PG's "wink" haven't kept the communication going. Match won't provide any way for its members to read a FIRST response! So it's tough to tell if a woman is truly interested in me...or if I'm just part of a "generic cattle call!"
In the case of eharmony.com...it's not that I'm skeptical about paying for the privilige of having "an everlasting soulmate" in my life. , but I'll bet there are quite a few attractive, smart and loving women out there who are similarly looking for a considerate, understanding, and loving male partner?
Here's an honest question to ALL ivillagers reading this:
"Has one-to-one communication between a man and a woman completely DIED? And is an intermediary necessary just to establish a friendship?"
I have tried them both. You may want to check out a website that reviews dating sites, including match.com called edatereview.com. Individuals post their comments about their experiences on dating sites, and it's quite informative.
I think these sites can be a good way to get back into dating if you haven't in a while. That said, I never met anyone special. I did match.com the most. I never actually paid for eHarmony...the first match they sent me was a 66 year old man and I was 50 at the time. I don't like the fact that they do the matching, especially when you can't specify the age. Only when I cancelled did they send me matches close to my age (which is what I want).
I hear of people who have met this way and gotten married, but I have never actually known anyone who met anyone really great or married them from a dating site. But of course, it does happen. My advice is to go ahead and try it...it can't hurt...but I would definitely not take it too terribly seriously, and do other things to meet men at the same time.
Seriously, a good book to read about online dating is "The Rules for Online Dating." OK, don't roll your eyes....it's actually a good book. Even if you don't follow the rules, the book is very informative about what to expect. I wish I had read it first.
And, if you just need a huge laugh about it all, check out these books: "The Curse of the Singles Table" and "Rescue Me, He's Wearing a Moose Hat."
I think online dating sites are all about who's online as well. I joined True.com because they seemed to boast a good set up- but there weren't a lot of local men under 35, so it wasn't the right choice for me. I am now on lavalife.com and I really like it, and know a lot of friends who have had a lot of luck on the site. We joke that we now know more happy couples that have met online than the 'traditional' way.
As someone who is also newly single, although he and I were never married, I think online dating is a great step because you have the chance to meet a lot of nice people without having to subject yourself to the town watering hole- it's by no means perfect, as these are still real people, but you can get a bit of an idea about what someone is about before you initiate any contact.
I tried match.com and yahoo personals about 5 years ago, my experience was that the men weren't looking for long-term relationships and most of them flaked out. I am still single and meet people through friends, family, and in public by participating in hobbies through Adult Education Schools. Every now and then I do go into match.com and yahoo personals to see who is on the website because I know several men who have ads and some of the men that I met originally still have an ad, which tells me that they are there to play around because to me the man is the initiator in committing to a relationship and with a whole lot of women to choose from why can't they find someone to commit to. The dating websites will help open you up to speak to people you don't know, you will meet new people, and it's fun interacting with other people. Good luck.
Pianoguy, I am on Yahoo personals, and I don't respond to "winks" (or actually what they call icebreakers). It's too impersonal. You need to sit down and write a real email to any woman you are interested in.
Also, I've found it easier to "flake out" than to actually tell someone I'm not interested. I get the feeling the US population is full of angry people. I don't need their wrath if I feel I don't want to get to know them further, so I just float away. Honestly I try to be polite about it, but if I see a red flag in an email or a profile, I'm just not interested. So many men spew venom at the end of an otherwise wonderful profile. Things like "if you aren't polite enough to respond to my icebreaker or email, than I don't need you in my life, so good luck to you". Yeah, real attractive.
Hang in there, keep an open mind. You'll find someone. You seem to be very perceptive about people, so that's a good thing!
PG thinks your response is probably similar to those of a lot of other women? Don't respond to their "winks of interest" and the men will eventually go away and find someone else!
Actually, I think there's a little bit of caution present in both sexes when it comes to on-line communication? Wanna know why?
Because a representative from a dating website will often match me up with 'someone they THINK I'm suited for' even if the woman's desires and description happens to be totally opposite from the type of lady I'm seeking? .
As far as "red flags" go....these exist in BOTH male and female profiles. So depending upon how picky you are...or how many times you've been burned...there's a certain amount of caution when it comes to sending an email in return?
Personally, if you come close to the type of lady I'm seeking...I'll be happy to correspond with you.
The biggest hangup I've found about the majority of on-line dating sites is this. Most of them require a 3-6 month or 1-year membership before communication is possible? And this makes it hard for a man (or woman) to tell if there's genuine interest from someone, or if they're merely part of a...err..."cattle call?"
Piano Guy, I'm confused by what you are saying. Why doesn't Match let you read a first email? There isn't anyone who actually matches you up via those generic emails from Match or Yahoo. That's just a random "look who's new in your age group" kind of thing. I pay no attention to them and do my own searches. And of course it's a cattle call, for everyone. It's total strangers weeding through total strangers trying to find someone that fits with them.
There's a lid for every pot, but finding your lid by online dating or by going to bars or joining worthless Learning Annex classes or volunteering for church suppers...it is always going to be a cattle call. Ah yes, but once you finally find that lid! Heaven, I'm in heaven! I haven't found the lid yet, instead many wrong lids, but heck, I've learned a lot about myself and earned a tougher hide at the same time. It's about growing and keeping an open mind.
You should join us on the online dating board. Lots of good info, gnashing of teeth, wringing of hands, hysterical but sad first date stories. It's a total blast with lots of support! Whatever has happened to American society, I don't know, but I'm a willing participant.
I was divorced a year ago, and I started Match.com in March (I think) and E-Harmony sometime in June (I think). I got no useful matches from E-Harmony. Through Match I met and dated a couple of guys, but I they were not for me. I felt very disgruntled because the guys who kept contacting me were guys that had little in common with me, while the guys I was interested in ignored my "winks" or e-mails. (It isn't just women who ignore messages from people they aren't interested in, Pianoguy.)
Online dating is different from regular dating in that people are less likely to feel a sense of commitment, I think. One guy early on planned a date with me and then disappeared. This was my first experience of what the online daters call "ghosting." Another guy called, talked to me with seeming enthusiasm, made a date, then called on the day of the date to cancel and was never heard from again.
But it's not all bad. Of the guys I actually met, all were nice but unexciting, and I did not go out with them more than a couple of times because they seemed more interested in me than I was in them, so that felt unfair. If I had just wanted to date and had not cared about who I dated (beyond their being honest and reasonably nice) I could have gone on dating these and some other guys.
But I got bored and impatient. The way guys that I was interested in were not interested in me was hurtful. Also, after a while you notice that there are a lot of guys (and I suppose women too) who are on these dating sites without really intending to date. I think they get their jollies out of attracting attention. One guy, for instance, had a really terrific profile, but at the end he said that he was not signed up for Match and could not really make any contacts at the moment. Why on earth have a profile up if you can't be contacted? Ego, I suppose.
Anyway, I quit with some disgruntlement and fanfare (announced here that I was done with dating) and did fine not dating for a while. Then a co-worker asked me out and I was all excited about dating again. When that didn't work out, I started feeling lonely, and in November I joined Yahoo Personals. I am also on Lavalife (not much activity in my age group in my part of the country, but I like the set up).
Through Yahoo I have met two guys in person and I was in correspondence with another who seemed like he was going to be a good friend then "ghosted" before we got to meet. Right now I am sort of exploring a friendship (possibly more) with a guy I met through a local dating bulletin board run by a local weekly.
I think that online dating is a good way to get back into the swing of dating. I can get very annoyed at the lack of choices, but the truth is that online dating gives me more choices than meeting people in the conventional way. For someone like me, who hadn't dated in more than 20 years, the "practice" that online dating gives me is very valuable, even if I don't actually meet anyone that I want to keep on dating.
Believe it or not...I USED to be one of the CL's for the "Online Dating" board! But with my success ratio at 'an all-time low', I didn't feel I was really qualified to offer advice or suggestions to anybody interested in O.L.D.
In the past, I've noticed that match.com will offer an alert or notification that somebody "winked" or expressed an interest in my profile. However, in order to access that person, it was necessary to become a subscriber and pay a fee BEFORE MAKING CONTACT! .
Yahoo personals (and a few other dating sites) had similar policies in effect. Or just matched me up with individuals who were WAAAY outside my "desired age perimeter!" I also noticed that the interests of many of my matches had very little in common with mine!
Perhaps 'the search engines' had to justify their worth to the women who had already paid for a 6-month or 1-year subscription?
I agree with you about the volunteer work and the church suppers. If a man or woman expects to find "the one" (quoting the Elton John tune here) through these sources...they'll probably end up disappointed? However...if a man or woman's intention is to get out into the social world in order to let others know who they are....then enrichment-extracurricular courses, community theatre groups, amateur sports teams, volunteer work, AND church suppers---DEFINITELY have their place!
You also pointed out something very important when you referenced "A TOUGHER HIDE and KEEPING AN OPEN MIND!" There are some of us who can tell the difference between having a good friendship as opposed to expectations (from another person) and the desire to take things further?
Sometimes the vibes or signals people provide can be confusing? But more often than not, many of us read them wrong!
Thanks once again for your response as well as the invitation to contribute to the ON-LINE DATING ivillage board!
Pages
Hi~
I have profiles up on both eHarmony and Match.com.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
imissit...
Pianoguy is currently a member of match.com....but has avoided eharmony.
Unfortunately, match.com has a tendency to repeat the same pictures and profiles over and over. The few match.com ladies who have responded to PG's "wink" haven't kept the communication going. Match won't provide any way for its members to read a FIRST response! So it's tough to tell if a woman is truly interested in me...or if I'm just part of a "generic cattle call!"
In the case of eharmony.com...it's not that I'm skeptical about paying for the privilige of having "an everlasting soulmate" in my life. , but I'll bet there are quite a few attractive, smart and loving women out there who are similarly looking for a considerate, understanding, and loving male partner?
Here's an honest question to ALL ivillagers reading this:
"Has one-to-one communication between a man and a woman completely DIED? And is an intermediary necessary just to establish a friendship?"
Pianoguy
Hi imiss,
I have tried them both. You may want to check out a website that reviews dating sites, including match.com called edatereview.com. Individuals post their comments about their experiences on dating sites, and it's quite informative.
I think these sites can be a good way to get back into dating if you haven't in a while. That said, I never met anyone special. I did match.com the most. I never actually paid for eHarmony...the first match they sent me was a 66 year old man and I was 50 at the time. I don't like the fact that they do the matching, especially when you can't specify the age. Only when I cancelled did they send me matches close to my age (which is what I want).
I hear of people who have met this way and gotten married, but I have never actually known anyone who met anyone really great or married them from a dating site. But of course, it does happen. My advice is to go ahead and try it...it can't hurt...but I would definitely not take it too terribly seriously, and do other things to meet men at the same time.
Seriously, a good book to read about online dating is "The Rules for Online Dating." OK, don't roll your eyes....it's actually a good book. Even if you don't follow the rules, the book is very informative about what to expect. I wish I had read it first.
And, if you just need a huge laugh about it all, check out these books: "The Curse of the Singles Table" and "Rescue Me, He's Wearing a Moose Hat."
Lots of Luck.
I think online dating sites are all about who's online as well. I joined True.com because they seemed to boast a good set up- but there weren't a lot of local men under 35, so it wasn't the right choice for me. I am now on lavalife.com and I really like it, and know a lot of friends who have had a lot of luck on the site. We joke that we now know more happy couples that have met online than the 'traditional' way.
As someone who is also newly single, although he and I were never married, I think online dating is a great step because you have the chance to meet a lot of nice people without having to subject yourself to the town watering hole- it's by no means perfect, as these are still real people, but you can get a bit of an idea about what someone is about before you initiate any contact.
I tried match.com and yahoo personals about 5 years ago, my experience was that the men weren't looking for long-term relationships and most of them flaked out. I am still single and meet people through friends, family, and in public by participating in hobbies through Adult Education Schools. Every now and then I do go into match.com and yahoo personals to see who is on the website because I know several men who have ads and some of the men that I met originally still have an ad, which tells me that they are there to play around because to me the man is the initiator in committing to a relationship and with a whole lot of women to choose from why can't they find someone to commit to. The dating websites will help open you up to speak to people you don't know, you will meet new people, and it's fun interacting with other people. Good luck.
Anna
Pianoguy, I am on Yahoo personals, and I don't respond to "winks" (or actually what they call icebreakers). It's too impersonal. You need to sit down and write a real email to any woman you are interested in.
Also, I've found it easier to "flake out" than to actually tell someone I'm not interested. I get the feeling the US population is full of angry people. I don't need their wrath if I feel I don't want to get to know them further, so I just float away. Honestly I try to be polite about it, but if I see a red flag in an email or a profile, I'm just not interested. So many men spew venom at the end of an otherwise wonderful profile. Things like "if you aren't polite enough to respond to my icebreaker or email, than I don't need you in my life, so good luck to you". Yeah, real attractive.
Hang in there, keep an open mind. You'll find someone. You seem to be very perceptive about people, so that's a good thing!
Chick
Hi Chick!
PG thinks your response is probably similar to those of a lot of other women? Don't respond to their "winks of interest" and the men will eventually go away and find someone else!
Actually, I think there's a little bit of caution present in both sexes when it comes to on-line communication? Wanna know why?
Because a representative from a dating website will often match me up with 'someone they THINK I'm suited for' even if the woman's desires and description happens to be totally opposite from the type of lady I'm seeking? .
As far as "red flags" go....these exist in BOTH male and female profiles. So depending upon how picky you are...or how many times you've been burned...there's a certain amount of caution when it comes to sending an email in return?
Personally, if you come close to the type of lady I'm seeking...I'll be happy to correspond with you.
The biggest hangup I've found about the majority of on-line dating sites is this. Most of them require a 3-6 month or 1-year membership before communication is possible? And this makes it hard for a man (or woman) to tell if there's genuine interest from someone, or if they're merely part of a...err..."cattle call?"
Pianoguy
Piano Guy, I'm confused by what you are saying. Why doesn't Match let you read a first email? There isn't anyone who actually matches you up via those generic emails from Match or Yahoo. That's just a random "look who's new in your age group" kind of thing. I pay no attention to them and do my own searches. And of course it's a cattle call, for everyone. It's total strangers weeding through total strangers trying to find someone that fits with them.
There's a lid for every pot, but finding your lid by online dating or by going to bars or joining worthless Learning Annex classes or volunteering for church suppers...it is always going to be a cattle call. Ah yes, but once you finally find that lid! Heaven, I'm in heaven! I haven't found the lid yet, instead many wrong lids, but heck, I've learned a lot about myself and earned a tougher hide at the same time. It's about growing and keeping an open mind.
You should join us on the online dating board. Lots of good info, gnashing of teeth, wringing of hands, hysterical but sad first date stories. It's a total blast with lots of support! Whatever has happened to American society, I don't know, but I'm a willing participant.
Get out there!!!!
Chick
I was divorced a year ago, and I started Match.com in March (I think) and E-Harmony sometime in June (I think). I got no useful matches from E-Harmony. Through Match I met and dated a couple of guys, but I they were not for me. I felt very disgruntled because the guys who kept contacting me were guys that had little in common with me, while the guys I was interested in ignored my "winks" or e-mails. (It isn't just women who ignore messages from people they aren't interested in, Pianoguy.)
Online dating is different from regular dating in that people are less likely to feel a sense of commitment, I think. One guy early on planned a date with me and then disappeared. This was my first experience of what the online daters call "ghosting." Another guy called, talked to me with seeming enthusiasm, made a date, then called on the day of the date to cancel and was never heard from again.
But it's not all bad. Of the guys I actually met, all were nice but unexciting, and I did not go out with them more than a couple of times because they seemed more interested in me than I was in them, so that felt unfair. If I had just wanted to date and had not cared about who I dated (beyond their being honest and reasonably nice) I could have gone on dating these and some other guys.
But I got bored and impatient. The way guys that I was interested in were not interested in me was hurtful. Also, after a while you notice that there are a lot of guys (and I suppose women too) who are on these dating sites without really intending to date. I think they get their jollies out of attracting attention. One guy, for instance, had a really terrific profile, but at the end he said that he was not signed up for Match and could not really make any contacts at the moment. Why on earth have a profile up if you can't be contacted? Ego, I suppose.
Anyway, I quit with some disgruntlement and fanfare (announced here that I was done with dating) and did fine not dating for a while. Then a co-worker asked me out and I was all excited about dating again. When that didn't work out, I started feeling lonely, and in November I joined Yahoo Personals. I am also on Lavalife (not much activity in my age group in my part of the country, but I like the set up).
Through Yahoo I have met two guys in person and I was in correspondence with another who seemed like he was going to be a good friend then "ghosted" before we got to meet. Right now I am sort of exploring a friendship (possibly more) with a guy I met through a local dating bulletin board run by a local weekly.
I think that online dating is a good way to get back into the swing of dating. I can get very annoyed at the lack of choices, but the truth is that online dating gives me more choices than meeting people in the conventional way. For someone like me, who hadn't dated in more than 20 years, the "practice" that online dating gives me is very valuable, even if I don't actually meet anyone that I want to keep on dating.
It's not bad, really. You might try it.
Elsa
Hello, Chick!
Thanks for responding to Pianoguy's earlier post.
Believe it or not...I USED to be one of the CL's for the "Online Dating" board! But with my success ratio at 'an all-time low', I didn't feel I was really qualified to offer advice or suggestions to anybody interested in O.L.D.
In the past, I've noticed that match.com will offer an alert or notification that somebody "winked" or expressed an interest in my profile. However, in order to access that person, it was necessary to become a subscriber and pay a fee BEFORE MAKING CONTACT! .
Yahoo personals (and a few other dating sites) had similar policies in effect. Or just matched me up with individuals who were WAAAY outside my "desired age perimeter!" I also noticed that the interests of many of my matches had very little in common with mine!
Perhaps 'the search engines' had to justify their worth to the women who had already paid for a 6-month or 1-year subscription?
I agree with you about the volunteer work and the church suppers. If a man or woman expects to find "the one" (quoting the Elton John tune here) through these sources...they'll probably end up disappointed? However...if a man or woman's intention is to get out into the social world in order to let others know who they are....then enrichment-extracurricular courses, community theatre groups, amateur sports teams, volunteer work, AND church suppers---DEFINITELY have their place!
You also pointed out something very important when you referenced "A TOUGHER HIDE and KEEPING AN OPEN MIND!" There are some of us who can tell the difference between having a good friendship as opposed to expectations (from another person) and the desire to take things further?
Sometimes the vibes or signals people provide can be confusing? But more often than not, many of us read them wrong!
Thanks once again for your response as well as the invitation to contribute to the ON-LINE DATING ivillage board!
Pianoguy
Pages