Sex Talk?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Sex Talk?
5
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 12:22am
I am in process of getting divorce and starting to think about dating again. I was married for 18 years to a guy that had lots of secrets - some I didn't learn about until many years into our marriage. Here's my question - how and when, do you bring up things that would be deal breakers in a new relationship - like certain sexual hangups that you would not be willing to participate in again? I didn't learn of ex's for 10 years then suddenly I felt pressured to be part of a fantasy life ( to save a failing marraige ) that I would have called deal breakers if I had known about before marriage. I have no desire to end up in this kind of situation again, but its not really something you talk about in general conversations. Note: I am a Christian and don't plan to have a sexual relationship outside of marriage, so these are not things that would come up before marriage.
Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
In reply to: losingfaith
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 5:56am

Hi faith,

Good for you that you are leaving an unhealthy marriage. And frankly, I don't think you need to tell anyone about your sexual past. You already know that you won't be participating in uncomfortable sexual situations again. Chances are, you won't be meeting men who are into this sort of thing anyway.

The only thing you would need to discuss with a potential partner is the existence of any sexually transmitted diseases.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: losingfaith
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 11:10am

To me, it's not worth telling my prospective sexual partners about my past saga's--my EX was a real weirdo sexually, too... and I did try some things thinking that it would save the marriage... and because, hey, "don't knock it 'til ya try it" which was pretty much what I told my "then-husband" when he'd suggest things.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
In reply to: losingfaith
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 11:40pm
Hey, thanks...
I felt like I was pressured into alot of things in that relationship and have learned - in a short time - that I deserve more from a partner than what I had. I tend to be a "pleaser" personality and bent over backward to make things work - that really weren't -no matter what I did, and degrading myself in the process. I hope to someday find someone who is truly a PARTNER.
Faith
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2003
In reply to: losingfaith
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 5:12am

Part of being intimate includes conversation, and a strong healthy relationship involves being able to talk with each other about anything. However, conversations regarding sexual preferences is not something a couple would be discussing early in their relationship, at least not two people who have the same beliefs/values (as you indicated).

It's amazing that your ex would not reveal his fantasies until you were married for ten years!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
In reply to: losingfaith
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 7:57pm
He did reveal some things and hinted at others but the really strange stuff didn't come out until 10 years later and then I resisted for a few years and finally agreed to some but was never comfortable with them, it was more like - ok, if this will make you happy, then we can do it - - but sometimes I literally felt ill. Somewhere I lost me and what I felt was right. I'm finding myself again, putting God first, and hoping that the baggage won't ruin my future relationships.