pessimistic or realistic?
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| Sun, 03-04-2007 - 8:44pm |
I've been dating this guy for a couple of months now. I started it very slowly and pretty much controlled the pace. All seemed good until today!
I knew already that he was in the middle of the battle with selling his house with his ex wife, but I didn't know how important it is for him to sell it at "his" price, not her's. From what he's told me she is sabotaging the house,putting holes in the walls, manipulating to buy his share by devaluing the property, etc...(she has been living there per divorce agreement for 2 years).
I was very badly hurt in my last relationship I was toatlly in love...and was devastated since I believed everything he had promised me...
This is the first guy I've dated since the breakup back in July of last year...
I feel very sad and almost in tears,because I think I have to break it off...I see this as a sign that he isn't willing to take the loss at the expense of moving on from this situation. He hasn't bought anything and is renting until this is settled, which I understand. What I don't understand is that he has barely furnished his condo. He is "paused".
Am I not ready to date? Is my past causing me to over react? Or is he not ready to date? (although he's already had a one year relationship after his divorce)

Hi sep,
I'm not sure why you feel you have to break it off. In today's real estate market, it's entirely possible that a house is taking 2 years to sell, although I understand the idea of selling at a loss to move on. What is his financial situation? Do they have kids? If he hasn't furnished his condo it could be that he really just doesn't have the money.
Now, your instincts could very well be correct. Perhaps he is still tied to the drama of his marriage and wants to keep it going. Perhaps he is frozen in time, unable to move on. Perhaps he has a need to come out on top with this house sale. My question is, how is your relationship otherwise? If you're to a fairly intimate point, perhaps there's a way to talk about this?
In my humble opinion, I feel that people, especially men, become involved way too soon after a divorce. Not that I think your situation is "too soon" for either of you. But I think many people understimate the impact of a divorce and try to fill that void with a new relationship far too quickly, before they've had a chance to process what went wrong.
Bottom line: I say give this more time.
All the best, FG
Really take note of the things he says about the X, the process, etc. He could some day direct the same critism, tone, negativity towards you. If it makes you feel uncomfortable.....it is probably for a good reason. The way he talks about and deals with the frustration he is having is a good sign about his ability to deal with stress, disappointment and the distribution of power tells alot about him. So what if his stbX is doing what she is doing....he should be able to put things into perspective. He sounds suspicious and controlling. Consider deeply if this is the type of person you want to be with.
When I read this the first thing I thought of was I would RUN!!! But that would be me.
I think it is possible that he is not ready because of the drama, but are you ready to see him beyond the drama. Don't get sucked into "defending" his position...there are always 3 sides to every story. His, her's and the truth. Each person will taint the story to get the sympathy and understanding and to validate their position.
Thank you for your thoughts and your response.
I know that I'm scared and over react to the slightest sign that he's not giving me attention that he's been giving.
I spoke to my therapist and he said that I'm over reacting and that I need to be understanding of what he's going through.
As far as his finances, he is pretty well off. He just bought a brand new Range Rover cash! He says he doesn't want to furnish his condo, because this is temporary for him and that he wants a house.
He is obsessed with winning and getting his way about the house. BTW they have been divorced for two years now. Their agreement was that she would stay at that house for one year and then put it on the market. She refused to do that, and all his efforts to convince her without taking her to court failed, so finally he went to court and the judge ruled that she must allow the brokers in and she has to agree to putting the house on the market.
So now she is sabotaging the house, by keeping it dirty and damaging the walls, etc... according to him, she wants to bring the value down enough so she can buy it herself, but she is complaining about not being able to afford it even now!! Which is contradictory.
If she buys it, she'll be paying more than now, and he knows her financial situation and is afraid that after she buys it, she won't be able to make the payments and since his kids live with her and she has custody, he'll be put in a position to help her for his kids sake...
Anyhow, I do agree that men specially get involved too soon after a breakup, or divorce. He had another gf before me,but it was long distance and he says she was too demanding of him, expecting gifts and flowers on a regular basis and treating him bad if he didn't get her stuff...
Bottom line, is that after being neglected and rejected so badly from a man whom I was engaged to, and loving and trusting him soooo much, I've become more sensitive when I don't get the attention I want. And the fear of being fooled again by another man keeps me with my guards up.
I want so badly to find someone else and keep him too, so that I won't get too emotionally involved, yet have attention! I know that is not healthy, but it appears to me that in order to get what you want, you have to adapt to today's culture and games, you have to play the game...
By being trustworthy, and loyal, I've had nothing but hurt. My kindness has always been seen as my weakness, and I am not a weak person. I've survived much harsher circumstances in my life and have got up everytime I fell down.
I'm just confused and in fear of making another mistake. I don't have the advantage of youth to be ok with wasting another couple of years...
Thank you so much for listening. And I hope I hear more from you and other's prespectives.
Hi Sep,
I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. I did want to comment though on something you said:
"but it appears to me that in order to get what you want, you have to adapt to today's culture and games, you have to play the game..."
I don't think anyone should have to play a game to get what they want, or to "adapt" to behavior that is foreign to them. I would encourage you to stick with your values. And as to trusting...I think that's admirable. The problem is not in trusting, but in trusting the wrong person.
I know it's hard to connect with a man, especially when you're older (believe me, I understand "older"). But I say it's far better to remain available for that to happen than to stay in a bad relationship.
All the best, FG