Re-entering the scene, ak.a. THE GAME
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| Fri, 03-09-2007 - 11:31pm |
ok---new to this board but I think it is so appropo!...
I would appreciate any advice on this. I think if a friend asked me for advice on a similar situation, I would be good at offering an obvious answer, but for me, of course, it's impossible to offer up my own!I am sort of panicking....
What kind of messages should I be getting if a guy tells me he is going out with the guys (one he hasn't seen since college) and asks "do you mind?," says that he hasnt seen them in a long time and woudl wnat to give me all of his attention if I were to come (which I totally understood and was oK with that...), BUT then in the next sentence then shares that the other guys girlfriends are coming, AND that his sister is probably meeting up with them later as well, but he is basically saying he is going without you?
I have met a few of his friends already, on few occasions, so I know that he does not NOT want me to meet his friends. Could he truly be wanting to enjoy his guy-hood, in which case I understand. But, Why do I feel like an unintentional and perceived ball & chain? I am thinking it would have been fine, and I would feel better, if he had just stopped before the "oh by the way these others are coming" part. Was that insensitive on his part? Could this be his way of saying he wants space? Am I reading into this waaaayyyyy too much?
I have been seeing him for about 3 months now. Wanted to start slow, but kind of got fast pretty quickly. Have known him for a while however.Not sure how to read this. Also, He just came out of a long-term relationship last summer. He is a bit younger than me as well, I should mention, and less experienced in relationships I think. I have been single for over 3 years, and have much experience with serial monogamy at best. I am sensitive to the fact that he may, or should even, want to see other people (although he dated a few times since his breakup and says he doenst want to see anyone while he is seeing me, out of having "morals" he says).
Essentially, I am uber-sensitive. Have been hurt very badly (whine, whine ;- who hasn't I know, right?!). I very much like him, and usually feel he is super responsive and great and thoughtful. BUT I also feel like I dont want to be a sucker, and I dont want to waste energy onsomething that is obviously may be not going anywhere.
By the way--he just called me. Missed the call, and didn't feel good about picking up.
Supposed to have plans tomorrow night but actually I am kind of feeling like calling them off or being "busy" suddenly...UGH! HELP
Any direction? Calming or affirming advice? Thanks! ;-)

Hey Bellas_Mami!
Here is my take on things, and while I am certainly no expert in the way a guy's mind works, I hope this makes you feel a little better.
First of all, I think it was nice of him to ask you if it was ok if he went out and he did call you while he was with his friends. Had he needed his space, I'm sure he just would have told you I'm going out and not asked if it was alright with you first.
Second of all, have you had 'The talk' where you define your relationship with him. Are you seeing each other or are you BF/GF ?(Sounds so high school doesn't it?) When you met his friends did he introduce you as his girlfriend? It's possible that being with his friends and their girlfriends is a step that moves your relationship forward into something the two of you haven't decided yet.
You say he's a great, thoughtful guy and so he probably didn't even realize he was saying something that came off as insensitive. Guys can be boneheads like that at times. I've been in the exact same situation as you and in the end, he really just didn't realize that he said something insensitive. Ask him about it when you see him tomorrow, when he is alone and away from his friends, and hey if you want to cancel plans to have some you time, then there is nothing wrong with that either.
Be strong and hang in there :)
Hi bellas,
I agree men can be boneheaded. But I have to tell you, this one confounds me. I'm with you: it's fine if he wants to go out with his buddies, but what's up with all the girlfriends EXCEPT YOU being invited??? I don't care if he asked you if it were OK. And what's with the "I would want to give you my undivided attention" comment? Please. It's like "It's not you, it's me."
My first reaction is, perhaps there's an old female "buddy" that he thinks is going to show up, and maybe he's carrying a torch for her. I'm not suspicious by nature, but I'd consider this as a possibility.
Hmm, but what to do. I'm not so sure I'd have a talk with him at this point. I think maybe you should start being a little harder to get in the coming weeks. Not out of spite or revenge, but you might want him to miss you a little more. Be very sweet about it, "I simply must see my Aunt Jenny tonight, you understand." Or, you don't even have to tell him what you're doing.
I'd be interested to see if he needs to have more of these getting together with other people without you evenings. If that happens, I'd ask him about it. Especially if he does refer to you as his girlfriend. I don't think couples have to be joined at the hip, in fact, I think it's much better if there is healthy "space." But excluding you from his circle of friends just isn't a good sign, even if there is no other woman involved.
All the best.—FG
Thank you for both of the replies. Funny, they both speak to my dual feelings of this situation! I should definitely monitor this though. As much as I think age isnt a factor, I do think his age and inexperience may be highlighting how he is acting.
Just came out of a very sad ending to a relationship, 3 yrs ago almost, and I definitely do not want to start off by being disappointed. Will keep my eyes (and heart a bit!), open...but cautious.
thank you again!