I guess it takes a long time
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| Wed, 05-30-2007 - 7:17pm |
Hello. I'm a single Mom to five kids. I've been divorced twice, each having their own years of stories and experiences. The first was 8 years together, 5 years married. The second was 11 or so years together, 10 years married. I have three children from the first marriage and two from the second.
I never date. I don't even look. I'm always struggling with my feelings about it by telling myself, that it wouldn't be fair to the kids for me to bring a man home when they have been through so much in the past. What if he's a real loser and I tell him to hit the road and the kids don't understand. I don't want to see them get hurt. Then I think that maybe it's just me and that I'm totally afraid to meet someone.
I really am afraid to meet someone. I take off in the other direction if someone confronts me with eye contact or a friendly "hello". Am I just not ready? Will I ever be?
I had two controlling marriages and I just don't want to make the same mistakes again. Will I recognize it? I guess it takes a long time to let someone in again.
My kids aren't that young anymore. Oldest is 18, then 16, 16, 11, and 9. I'll be 44 in July. What am I waiting for? I miss caring for someone other than my children.
Kasey~

It sounds like you have two conflicting emotions doing battle with one another. One is the desire to have a GOOD relationship and the other is the fear of falling into another BAD one.
I have been in and out of bad relationships over the years (which is why I am single once again). I sat myself down this last time and tried to figure out what made me fall for the bad guys. Then I conciously set out to change it. Few dates make it more than the 1st or second date with me because I have become so picky. I know what I NEED (not necessarily what I want) and that is what I am looking for in a man.
If you are questioning if you are ready to date you quite well could be. Just take it slow with anyone you decide is a good prospect to date and set your priorities on what he needs to be like and STICK to them. From the sounds of your children's ages, if you meet a good man and introduce them to him slowly, you may find that they accept it much easier than you think they might. And ... there are still good men out there! Get out and find one!
Good luck and let us know how it goes!
Hello,
Well, for sure, I'm afraid. I use my kids to hide behind I think. There was (is) a man who is always phoning me and dropping by to see if I'll go for dinner, etc... but when I give in and actually accept, he gets too close and makes it look as though I belong to him and he wants everyone to think that. I see him as controlling and my older kids do to.
He never takes no for an answer and just plain won't leave me alone, even after I've said I don't want to date anyone. He's divorced with 2 kids but I see him as an old man. I'm just not attracted to him. He may be nice, but that's not enough for me.
My little boys really like him, since he has a 'cool car' hahaha. It just shows me that maybe you are right. They will probably be more accepting that I give them credit for. My 11 yo son told me one day that if I had a boyfriend it would give him someone to play with. BUT if his Dad had a girlfriend, he'd be VERY MAD! lol.
He also wonders why I don't want to talk to this 'older guy' on the phone. He doesn't really understand but I just tell him I don't want a boyfriend right now. He says.. "Well I like him."
I know what I want. Someone who is interested in what I have to say. That 'guy' doesn't listen to me. He is only out for his own needs. I feel like a child around him. I hate that. But then, I feel like a child around any adult, so that is another issue for me to attack from within. I'm older than much of the 'adults' I am in contact with too.
I've been through a lot and my self esteem is quite low. First, I think I need to get some help with those issues that are dragging me down, and then maybe I can get the courage to put myself out there again. I DO look forward to sharing my time with someone again.
Thanks~
OH my ... you definitely DO NOT want to get involved with that fellow even if your sons do like him. You need someone that will treat you as a partner not a possession!
Just be open to dating new guys and keep in mind what you will not accept about them. I wouldn't introduce any of them to the kids till you feel more comfortable with them. It sounds like you know what you want, so be willing to date to find it. There are all sorts of different men out there. If you are persistant, you will find the right one for you!