confused by a separated man

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2005
confused by a separated man
7
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 5:33pm

Hi,

I wasn't sure which board to go to with this issue but I need some clarity with the behavior of a separated man I just recently met. I was introduced to this guy through a friend at a community event and we ended up talking all evening and really hit it off. He told me that his wife left him and he is getting divorced after 15 years of marriage. He is currently separated and I asked him a few questions about it since my brother is going through the same thing and both had their wives leave. I told him that I just bought a small house and was scheduled to move in the next day and it turns out that he lives a few blocks away.

We had tons to talk about and later that night, he became affectionate - holding my hand, etc. and although I liked it, I kept my distance because I don't date separated men! I thought he was a sincere person and there was mutual attraction and common interests, so I was a bit taken by him but after that night, I put it out of my mind because being separated only for a few months is a big red flag to me and I thought I wounldn't see him again. The next morning, when I was moving into my house, he appeared at my door - he was walking his dog and saw my moving truck. He just stopped in to welcome me to the neighborhood and didn't stay long. I was very surprised. Then, later that day when I was out, he left a six pack of beer at my door which I thought was a nice gesture since we had talked about liking a certain type of imported beer.

I called to thank him and casually told him to stop by for a beer anytime. About a week later, he sent me a text message that he would like to get together for that beer and we ended up meeting at the neighborhood pub for a quick dinner at which time, he told me that although he is going through a transition, he thought we have a lot of common interests, etc. and would like to "see" me. I didn't really say yes or no but then I found myself saying yes when he asked me out for the next evening. I really began to like him and I know he is a good man but I was going against my better judgment to get involved with someone going through a divorce. THe next day he called and left me a message saying that he hated to do this but needed to cancel because something came up. He went on to say that he was so sorry and that he had a great time talking to me and really likes me a lot but that he couldn't make it that night. I called him back and said, no worries, you have a lot on you right now. Then, this week, I sent him a text to say, hope all is well and he sent one back saying that he is having some problems with selling the house he and his wife lived in. I felt so stupid to have gotten in touch with him against my better instincts but I just felt compelled to. Now, I want to forget I ever met him but I can't get him out of my mind. Is it better to walk away, even if he tries to contact me in the future? I'm confused!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004
Sun, 06-03-2007 - 12:41am

This is just my opinion, but I think you can never have too many friends. If you enjoy his company and he keeps the lines of communication open and honest I see nothing wrong in continuing to enjoy getting to know him better as a friend. You can see where it goes from there.


I am curious as to what our other posters will have to say.

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Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 11:06am

Like you, I would be cautious. And mainly because of the whole rebound thing. However, I have noticed that men who are divorcing or are recently divorced seem to hook up very quickly, whereas the same cannot be said for women.

Is he still living with his wife? If he's already living apart from her, that's a better sign, although it ain't over 'til it's over. If they're still living together, I'd say wait until they are living apart.

I say if you like him, I'd keep seeing him...just be careful. But that can be hard once you get involved and have sex. But, just because he's not divorced yet doesn't necessarily mean that this couldn't turn into a great relationship.

And, as the other poster said, you could always be friends. Don't feel bad about contacting him: it's hard to know what the right thing is to do anymore.

Good luck. --FG

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 11:32am

It sounds like you both have a lot in common and get along quite well so it would be a shame if you gave up a potential good friendship because of trouble in his life atm.

But ... if you feel you can't just be friends with this man for the time being until the turmoil in his life settles down it may be a better idea to let this one go. I think the best relationships always come out of friendship first though.

Tough decision, especially since you sound like you really enjoy his company. I wish you the best in whatever you decide though!

Avatar for atober
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 3:29pm
What area do you live in? I just happened to meet a guy a few months ago who has been seperated from his wife for several months and they were also married 15 years. Wouldn't that be funny. Anyway, the seperation thing didn't bother me at all since I am also recently seperated and sure that my marriage is over as he said he was. He is/was a great guy and I felt like we really connected. We saw each other when we could (he has kids and so do I). When we couldn't see each other we e-mailed, texted, and talked on the phone. Then suddenly, his ex-girlfriend comes to town and he tells me he will probably sleep with her. We had been spending on average 2/3 nights together (sometimes having sex and sometimes just cuddling). I told him that I was willing to be there for the tough stuff during his seperation and divorce but seems he might've made up his mind and gotten back with the ex-girlfriend last week when she visited (she is moving about an hour away from where we live very soon). Anyway, after his honesty about sleeping with her, I thought that it was somewhat admirable because he could've just lied to me about it. Sometimes I wish he would have. I said to some friends when we first met that he was too good to be true and turns out I should've listened to my instincts. Bacak to you, I wouldn't worry about the separation thing unless there is a possibility that he and his wife are going to get back together. Do they have kids together?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2005
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 9:51pm
Hey, thanks for everyone's great insight and feedback! Things have not moved forward with this guy since I posted my question last week. In fact, I haven't heard from him since he replied to my text last week saying that he is having problems with his real estate agency in selling his house (which he owned with his wife). Then, today I noticed that the "For Sale" sign is gone from his property and although it sounds like he was honest about having problems with his agent, I wonder why his house is suddenly off the market now?
Avatar for atober
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 8:57am
Haven't heard from my separated man either. I texted him last night that I guess his non-response was my answer and that I hope he is happy, I enjoyed our time together, but since I'm not a good sharer that he won't be hearing from me anymore. Good news, my "date" with my ex went very well last night. Anway, as far as the for sale sign, if he dumped the realtor, he may not have found another yet or they may not have the new sign up yet. But since he hasn't called I guess all we can do is speculate. Why don't men respond and just get it out of the way even if it's not what you want to hear. So frustrating. Ugghh.
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 3:57pm

He is still legally married so no matter how long he has been separated or how long the marriage has been "dead."

More often than not, the single person (you) is being used as an emotional band-aid to get over the marriage. Some are OK being the guy/gal to have fun with someone that is on the rebound, others find that they get emotionally tied up with the married person and find out that they are just the transition guy/gal.

If you can play casually then go ahead. However there is a risk of getting emotionally involved/tied up with a married man because it will likely be a short term affair (I use that term deliberately) and can be hard once he moves on.

BTW I was one of those men (just fresh out of long marriage) and even though I was upfront about my situation and wanting to date others, I did hurt the first woman I met. It did not help that I told her that I loved her. In the moment I did love her. I was honest as I could be but I was looking to meet my emotional, physical and sexual needs and it ended badly.

Mark