Hmmm..not sure about this one

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2006
Hmmm..not sure about this one
1
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 4:55pm
So after getting out of a painful relationship with a commitment phobe, I'm a bit cautious about every little thing with men these days. Started chatting with this guy that I could become interested in. However, he mentioned that he and his ex-wife are good friends (they have no children) and he is still involved with her family (went to their home for the 4th yesterday and took her nephews to the movies). I asked a co-worker what she thought about that (because I have no contact with any of my ex's--they are EX'S!) and she said that if she and her husband split, she would work out a friendship because they have kids. As for his family, she has a close relationship with them and would still want to continue to be a part of their lives. She doesn't feel this is enough reason not to get involved with this man. I just don't know. It seems weird to me why he would be looking to start something new and yet, still involved with the ex-family. I don't want to make further relationship mistakes and wonder if it will be a three-some relationship. I imagine being asked to have Thanksgiving dinner at his ex's family's home! The last one took a lot--and I do mean A LOT out of me. So...what do any of you think? Give up any further communication and find someone without an ex or see what happens? Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2007
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 5:50pm
I think your friend's right on this one — there's not enough information here to say "absolutely no" to dating him. I see some pros and cons: He's being out in the open and honest about his relationship with his ex, and he definitely wouldn't be open if he were still carrying a torch for her. I'd observe how much time he spends with her and her family — if they have an annual 4th of July party or something, then it's not too surprising he would attend, especially if he doesn't have other plans. But if he's in constant contact with her or her family, asking important advice or going to a weekly Sunday dinner, then that's probably too much, unless there are special reasons. Like does he have a friendship with her brother that predates their marriage? Something to find out. The one thing I wouldn't do is date him and then make him feel bad about the time he spends with his ex's family or try to cut off that relationship. He'll just resent you later. Either accept it or not — but I'd do so with more information than you have now.