Not ready to date, I think

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2007
Not ready to date, I think
3
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 5:40pm

Hey, I hope someone can help me out with this one. I broke up with my boyfriend of nearly 5 years in March, and I signed on to an online dating site not too long afterwards, just to get back in practice of dating. Well, I've been out with two guys, and I don't know if this is true of most men on these sites, but they wanted to get physical really quickly.

Maybe because I haven't been out there in the past five years or maybe because I am feeling "hormonal urges" (you know what I mean), I've gone further with these guys than I really should have, based on my own comfort zone. I feel guilty the next day. The first guy is out of the picture. The second guy is nice, and I think he's going to ask me out again (he shot me a friendly email this morning, right after our second date), but I can see where it's leading. I don't want to get into a serious relationship yet, and to me, having sex is serious. What I think I'm going to do if he asks me out again is say that I am uncomfortable with how fast things are going, and either go on dates that limit temptation (like meeting for lunch) or ask him to call me in a couple of months if he wants. This is a nice guy with whom I have several things in common, and I may want to date him seriously when I'm more comfortable. Right now, though, I feel rushed and a little smothered, but it's on my side, not from anything he's done. I think we're just acting on physical attraction, but my heart's definitely not ready for this. I don't want to tease him, but I feel like I need to put on the brakes, because I think I haven't really had time to get over some of the breakup feelings — even though I'm the one who broke up with my old boyfriend.

So, my questions to you guys are: Do you think I should go on "safe" dates until I feel more comfortable or wait a couple more months before going out with anyone else, including this guy? And do you think online dating sites speed up intimacy? I don't remember things going so fast when I was on the market before. I'm considering taking down my dating site profile.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2006
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 6:16pm

I've been doing the online thing for awhile. Although I only meet commitment phobes and jerks in general...I dictate the intimacy time line. I wait until I'm ready and if that person is into me they will wait. Now, if only I could conquer the problem of men who run when things start getting serious.....

As someone said to me...online dating is not much different than meeting men in the real world. Dating sucks, period! You never know what you are getting from the guy you meet on the street just like the guy you meet online. I guess that makes some sense...and I DO know several people who met their spouses online, but it hasn't worked out that great for me!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 12:40pm

I would wait. Why put yourself through the stress of dating when you're not ready? Even "safe" dates involve SOME level of stress.

And no, I don't think OLD speeds up intimacy unless you want it to. I've had no problem meeting men who were fine with taking things slow--and the ones who aren't fine with it are obviously not a good match for me so letting them go is no skin off my nose.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 3:17am
I'm pretty much in the same boat.I want to date,but I'm not emotionally ready...It's been a year since my breakup that was very devastating for me. I dated a couple of guys very briefly after about 8 months of greiving, it only showed me how insecure I've become. I'm trying to work on myself but I feel that I'm totally closing up. I have never felt this insecure and this hopeless about getting into a relationship.
Everytime I think about meeting someone, my thoughts go into "well, it would be fun in the beginning and then I'll have my heart broken,so why bother?"
I guess my answer is go with your gut feeling.