now what
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| Mon, 07-23-2007 - 8:17pm |
I posted awhile back about my first date. I mentioned how I am really just not into this guy. He is fun, easy to talk too, but there are just too many negatives--that I am not sure I can overcome. I met him in January. We have not been on another date--unless you call meeting for a movie, splitting from the group to sightsee a Frank Lloyd Wright house, when nobody else wanted to go. At the dances, and other events, he always sits near me. I interact with him. I am not mean=-=to anyone, so I am sociable and talkative.
We haven't gone on another date, although we frequent the same singles group and attend many of the same functions. However, he did ask me out for Friday. Dinner and putt putt. I am I wrong to accept? I mean I don't want to lead him on. But I also need to acclamate myself to the dating scene and relationships. I certainly don't want to get attached to the first one===but it could be the last too, for all I know. I married my high school "sweetheart"--divored after 20 years of marriage, 25 years of being together...He was my first...and my only==if you know what I mean.
Please keep in mind we both are from a religious background that does not condone sex out of marriage, etc etc. So what follows will seem totally ancient and old fashioned. Also keep in mind we are both in our 50's.
Now for the confusion......
It is soo nice to have someone call me gorgeous. Open doors for me. Compliment me on my appearance. He says things like "anything to get my arms around you when he reaches around me to pick up a napkin, or a drink. In explaining that we are not a "couple" yet, I said...we haven't even kissed. He says, "not like I haven't wanted too." These are sweet comments, but I don't really know what I would do if he did try.
I don't want to be confused with the flattery of someone at my age being considered sexy. I know it is silly of me. It is a wonderful idea that he really is attracted to me. But....I don't want the physical yearning to play a role in the advancement of a possible relationship. Does anyone get what I am trying to say? does anyone have any bits of wisdom to share?

If you have made up your mind that you are not interested in a relationship with this guy you need to let him know.
As a friend, I think it is fine to spend time with this gentleman, get to know him better BUT I would be very clear with him that you are only interested in being his friend. Otherwise you would be leading him on and that wouldn't be fair.
I hope this helps.....keep us posted on how things are going.
Well, it seems pretty clear that he is interested in more than just friends with you.
I'm a little unclear about what you are asking. Are you worried that his attraction to you is going to wear you down to the point of you getting involved with him when you really don't feel any real attraction for him?
And, speaking as another woman in her 50s, why can't you be considered sexy? There are times when I get all dressed up to go out that I think I look pretty damned hot.
You could always just be really honest with him and say something like you need to take things really slow, need to be friends first, etc. If he does try to kiss you, you could say something like, "I appreciate the gesture, but I'm just not there yet."
And I'm betting there will be other guys.
All the best. --FG
Thanks. I have told him....for the past 6 months in various ways. Maybe because I said, let's be friends, it is too much too soon. I met him just days after begining to attend the church singles group activities. I told him I wanted to meet a lot of people, have a great time and enjoy myself. I was clear I thought, but he patiently, attentively pursues me. I guess I am just too nice. Remember we frequent the same singles group, so I don't want to upset him, so he feels he cannot attend, nor do I want to be "pushed out" either. I told him begining a relationship in this setting could be tricky, since we will have the same friends, continue to attend the activites and neither of us wants to be uncomfortable if a relationship doesn't materialize or fails==badly.
But in all honestly, most of the socializing we have had has been in a group setting---which has worked well for me since it has been so many years since I have socialized with singles. So do you think I was wrong in accepting the date? There is a part of me that thinks I really have not given him a chance and since I know him better, I feel more comfortable in experiencing the dating world. I to worry if I am using him. I mean this is good "practice" so to speak, after such a long dry spell.
thanks for your comments.
You hit the nail on the head. Especially considering my X was my HS sweetheart and physical intimacy I think, played a role in our decision to marry. I don't want to fall for that again.
It's not that I didn't think I was sexy or older women/men can't be, it's just a surprise to me. I have not been active in a singles world, and so when I do... the first guy is incredibly smitten with me. Flattered I am. Don't get me wrong. But I have not felt the sexual attraction to him. Oh, the thought of cuddling, holding, and even kissing is comforting and something I have not had privledge to experience for 14 years===really is inviting. I do wonder if there will be someone else.....but I have thought....could this be the only one. Which is not like me because I am a successful, confident, competent, independent woman with a great job, building a good retirement, own my own home and enjoy sleeping in the middle of my queen size bed, and not sharing the walk in closet!!!
I will try and put to memory your suggested response. I figure if I practice for the next couple of days I'll be able to say it. Thank you.