I forgot what this was like....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
I forgot what this was like....
4
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 10:22pm
I recently got out of a very short marriage (a little over a year) and I had started to date a man I really like. We saw each other for about a month and everything was really good. About three weeks ago, he started getting really busy at work and we haven't seen each other. We have emailed each other but he hasn't really asked me to go out again. For awhile we'd had plans to see a movie but those plans never really solidified and he says he's still really busy. I've dropped hints that if he wants to see me again, he could give me a call but I don't want to bug him about it. So I'm not sure if he really wants to date me anymore. He and I have known each other for a few years and I know he's always had kind of a crush on me. But if that's the case, why isn't he pursuing me more? I haven't dated in years really so I don't know what the deal is. I feel like I'm supposed to wait for him to pursue me because I keep hearing that's what men want. But there's the other side that says I should just go after what I want. So which is right? Is there a way to walk a fine line between those two schools of thought and be successful? I'm so confused! I've never been good at playing games which is part of the reason I'm having trouble with this. Do I need to act aloof or something to get him to ask me out again? Ugh! Thoughts from both men and women would be highly appreciated!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 3:17pm

When it comes to dating......I'm generally confused about what to do in a situaton like you've brought up.


If I really liked him, I probably would just ask him flat out if he was still interested in dating me or of his "being busy at work" was his way of avoiding me.


I'm looking forward to hearing what everyone else has to say.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-04-2007 - 1:00pm

I think actions speak louder than words in this type of situations. If he wanted to make time to see you, he would, no matter how busy he is, OR if he truly doesn't have a minute to spare for a cup of coffee or lunch even, he'd be reassuring you that he does want to see you and he will have more time in X days (or whatever).

Have the two of you agreed to exclusivity? If not, I'd definitely be dating other guys given his behavior. If you have, then I'd probably say something like, I know you're busy but I really need to see the person I'm dating more frequently than we are. Do you expect that to change soon? If not, then perhaps we're not a good match. Then see what he says and make a decision about whether to move on, or at least start dating other people again if he doesn't see it changing soon.

Sheri

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sun, 08-05-2007 - 7:07am

Nah, don't call him.

No one is that busy.

It's certainly never worked for me when I have pursued, even though I always felt like you, that I don't like games, and if I want something I ask for it. I just don't think it works in the dating world in the initial stages. Annoying but true.

Who knows why he's become elusive--could be a million reasons or no reason at all. I wish I had not wasted so much time in my life waiting by the phone, wondering why men didn't call, or calling them.

And I don't think you have to act aloof to get him to ask you out. He's either interested or not and you always have the power to date someone else if he doesn't get on the stick.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Sun, 08-05-2007 - 5:10pm
Thanks for the advice everyone. I did tell him that I wanted to hear from him and he did respond. It turns out he's had a bit of a family emergency--and I knew there was a family issue in addition to his workload but I didn't know how severe it was. We talked for a bit last night and he told me he's definitely still interested in seeing me but it will probably be towards the end of the week when things calm down a bit. So I do feel better for just asking him about it and I feel more secure with things. I think I was being paranoid given past experiences but I'm realizing that he's unlike anyone I've dated before and I should have known that his behavior was because of something serious. Anything else would have really been contrary to his personality but sometimes it helps just to have that reassurance. And it helps to take a step back and realize that just because someone has flaked on me in the past doesn't mean it's going to happen every time. I still think this is a good topic though and it might help other people who may be having similar issues.