When will the bitterness end?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2007
When will the bitterness end?
4
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 5:45pm

I have a very cynical view on love & relationships right now (and I know it, I can sense it) and I don't like how my mind is thinking these days. You know the feeling,--when you know you're cynical, but can't stop the pattern. I'm turning 30 next month, and just got out of a 5 year relationship. Putting all the drama aside, I had found out that my ex was seeing me and another woman (and met her parents, she met his, etc) for the last 2 years of our relationship. This was 3 1/3 mos ago.

I just got back from CVS, and saw a hot guy put his arm around his beautiful girlfriend's waist, and I looked down and felt sad & bitter. Not sure how I felt, but just had feelings in the back of my head like, "Yeah, they're probably new -- it won't last." I'm always looking for reasons as to why I feel. -- I think I'm thinking these thoughts now b/c I was there --I was that girl who had a hot boyfriend (several hot boyfriends --one at a time that is!), and it started out wonderfully and all lovey dovey--and then he cheats and it ends up nasty.

I'm trying to enjoy single life right now, and rightfully so, but wondering when my lookout on love will be less cynical. Right now, I think all men are jerks b/c of what my ex did to me. And I know until I stop thinking this (and by thinking this, I make the next guy I date a jerk b/c I need to say deep down, "see, he's a jerk, I was right!")I'll never find a man, and that scares me. I know it's a bad cycle. This ex of 5 yrs really broke my spirit I guess. It took me down hard.

Has anyone every felt this way toward men? Towards relationships in general? I remember in Sex and the City, Charlotte had a formula for how long it takes to get over a guy --divide the time in 1/2 that you were together. Hope it doesn't take me 2.5 years to have a renewed interest in love, but if there's any truth in what she said, I guess I'll have to wait.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 8:24pm

In the past, I have felt the way you described in your post. For me, it really depended on where I was in my life in general as to how long it took me to get over a breakup.


There was no standard, time frame or formula, I wish there was a secret time formula that once you reached it.....poof, you were over your breakup.....that would make life a lot easier.


I'm hoping someone will have a better answer for you than I do, which is just give yourself plenty of time to heal before you beat yourself up too much about being cynical.


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2004
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 1:21pm

I've been wondering the same thing.

Perhaps I just never noticed while I was in my long-term relationship, but ever since it ended it seems that everywhere I go I am surrounded by couples who appear to be madly in love. I too always look down and feel sad, and that little voice in my head whispers that they probably haven't been together very long. I hate being this way - by nature I am a romantic soul. I guess it's just difficult not to feel cynical and jaded when your heart and spirit are so broken.

Belleoftheball, I am truly sorry to hear about how things ended with your ex. I also recently got out of a 5 + year relationship with the man I considered to be my soulmate, and the pain of it is so acute that even after 10 months, I am nowhere near "over it". I can only imagine how much worse it would feel if a betrayal had led to the break-up, as in your situation. I think it's only natural that you would feel suspicious of men after your experience.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 2:56pm

HI,
I know exactly what you are feeling. I have been divorced from a 15 year marriage ( no children thank goodness) about 6 months. I have no interest at all in having a relationship with any man, I think they all are just taking up breathing room. I would like to think out there somewhere there are some good men, I don't know any, but I'm told there are nice ones somewhere.

I would just like to find a friend that could enjoy just being my friend and I think I could live the rest of my life in peace. I know that probable sounds dumb, but it would be nice.

Sorry if I am not very upbeat, but I have not seen any reason to think that all men are cut from the same cloth, some are just better at it than others. I hope I am wrong.

GOOD LUCK
Sharon

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2007
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 9:53pm
Hello, I know or rather knew how you feel to see other couples so happy and lovey dovey. Especially since I am now out of a long distance relationship that I thought was heading to an important place. What I did was gather all they things he give to me like teddy bears and his t-shirts and put them in a bag to donate to the salvation army. For the emotional part I just started reading Dr. Phil Mcgraw book "Love Smart" and something jump out to me, I was having a fake relationship, now looking back I had a couple of fake relationships with past men."I was always thinking why do I get the boot". Let me elaborate, I was not being true to myself in how I really felt with him or them; I was forcing myself into thinking I was in love because they said I love you or like you first. So I kept up with that illusion that I was in love. And when I said that word I love you it did not feel real to me. And each relationship faded away. So now I am trying to put myself in a better light if the next relationship comes about. Let me say it is a hard thing to break down those thick cynical walls. If I find myself feeling jealous or envy of other people's relationship I just bless them in my thoughts and out loud. It's taking some time (nothing happen's over night) but I can say that that green eye monster goes away. Hope I help in some way.