New to dating after a few years...
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| Thu, 02-21-2008 - 2:24pm |
And, rejoining it with a new attitude.
I have been divorced for 4 years and have not dated because I did not know how and because I wanted to go to counseling to understand why I had such a bad marriage to avoid repeating my mistakes. Well, I am ready to start dating again, but I can't rely on my past experiences moving forward (I was not good at dating).
All that counseling uncovered severe co-dependent tendencies and a lot of healing from childhood abuse. Both of these factors caused me to settle for men who were pretty crummy and for me to engage in a lot of relationships that were purely physical.
I now know that I want a relationship in which the person likes me for me (not all the things I can do for them/give to them to make me more appealing). Common values, respect and honesty are also paramount.
I am also not willing to get involved in relationships with casual sex. I don't want that physical stuff to cloud my judgement. In the past it has really allowed me to excuse all kinds of behaviour and ignore BIG red flags.
How do you go about dating? Are there men out there that will want to get to know you and not just try to get in your pants? How and when is it appropriate to explain my dating philosophy?

Z
Thanks for the reply and the vote of confidence!
I am excited about my new outlook on life. In the last few months, I have improved friendships and work relationships just by setting boundaries and not letting people walk all over me. And, by living my own truth. It really has been wonderful.
Do I have specific questions? Yes. I do not know how to jump back into the dating pool. I'm in my mid-thirties, I have my own business and work long hours, I do not live in a bustling metropolis and all my friends are married. I don't know where to begin now that I am finally in a place where I can be in a healthy relationship.
I do know what is on my list. And, I am going to stick to it. Sadly, I have not seen any prospects that have the qualities that I desire...But, I remain optimistic.
Z
Hi there! I was going to write my own separate post, but this one seems to be right up the same alley, so mind if I jump in with my own related issue?
I too am brand new to dating after 18 years in a marriage that just died from lack of attention. I moved on (internally) a long time ago, so I don't think I have too much baggage to cloud my outlook on relationships, except that I know I won't be able to do another relationship where I'm emotionally and sexually neglected.
I have an amazing circle of friends, but knew that I was going to have to get out of my own social circle to date. And I've really never dated in my whole life. I've always had long-term boyfriends that I clicked with right away. The beginnings of my relationships have always been like a whirlwind - an intense period of getting to know each other, and very quickly moving into a monogamous, committed relationship. That's just all I know, not necessarily what I require.
On Valentine's Day, just after complaining to a friend of mine that I thought there were no dynamic single men who struck my fancy in the small city I live in, I met someone. On the phone at work one day. I was immediately smitten, and he seemed to be too. We met for dinner that weekend, and I liked him even more. He's exactly the type of guy that sparks my interest.
My issue: I REALLY liked this guy. Can't stop thinking about him, even though it was just one date. I want to see more of him. I'm trying to figure out a way to express this to him without scaring him off - even though part of what attracted me to him was that he didn't seem to be afraid of my aggressive personality. I'm no good at playing hard to get or coy or play any stupid games. I'm 40. I just want to spend time with someone I like. I want to make out with him like a high school kid, not play high school games. Any ideas on how to let him know I'm REALLY interested without looking like an obsessive freak that'll make him want to run for the hills?
Thanks for the great suggestions.
I am definitely not a bar type. I have been pursuing my passions since my divorce. Unfortunately, they don't lead to opportunities to build permanent friendships. My work has been my passion and has caused me to relocate 3x in 4 years. I have been travelling all over the world and have pursued other hobbies.
I am very good at building work relationships, but that is what they are - work focused.
I am struggling with trying to build friendships in a new town. In social situations, I am shy and find going to a large group function alone daunting. Equally daunting is saying to people, "hey, want to hang out some time, give me your number."
I suppose I will just have to get over that. And, try to stay in one place for a while to actually get rooted somewhere and get a nice group of non-married friends.
I'll give it a shot!
Z
These relationships that I had ended up lasting years. Each one of them. I had one boyfriend through high school. Two boyfriends during my 5 years in college. One post-college boyfriend and then I was married for 16 years. So even though I'm single at this point in my life, it's hard to look at those relationships as failures. They simply started very intensely.
I am attracted to very intense men and I am a very intense person. I have never dated (in the usual sense) in my entire life. I meet a man, we have extreme chemistry, and from that moment on, we are totally into each other. It has never NOT been that way with me. Honestly. So I know nothing else. That's just the way it has been for me.
I'm not opposed to taking it slowly. It's just that I don't know how. I'm trying to learn how to do this. I guess I need to take a dating 101 class for dummies.
But I don't like the idea of pretending that I don't like someone when I do, because that's game playing, and I don't want to be with someone I have to play games with. If I like someone, why can't I say, "I like you, I enjoyed starting to get to know you, I felt an immediate connection with you, and I'd like to spend some more time getting to know you?"
I know that he felt something similar as well.
Z
Has he been in touch since you had dinner with him?
Hey Sheri,
When our date ended, he got my contact info, and said, "I'll call you. But it won't be for awhile. I'm going out of town tomorrow morning for a few days, and then I'm in and out of town for awhile (he's doing a couple of really important speaking engagements and public appearances for his work). So I just want you to know, it won't be right away. But I'll call you." So at least he was honest with me. But I was hoping he'd call me anyway. Because that would've been nice.
I met him through a work thing, and I realized that I needed to speak to him after 5 or 6 days about another work thing, and I waited to see if he might call me first, but on the 9th day I went ahead and called him. It was a sweet conversation, although I kept it professional and short. But it turned out that he'd gotten the flu and was really sick. We were scheduling a work meeting for yesterday. He ended up having to postpone the meeting (still really sick) until tomorrow morning. So I'll see him tomorrow.
I thought he made it pretty obvious during our date that he liked me, I think my main concern is that he may not have the desire or the time for anything resembling anything more than a very superficial dating relationship. And that's just so unlike me.
Well, I'll see him tomorrow...I suppose I'll most likely have it figured out by then.