Dating a widower

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2007
Dating a widower
2
Thu, 05-21-2009 - 1:32pm

I just recently started dating a man who lost his wife a little over two years ago. They were married for 25 years, together for 30. He's dated before dating me, so it's not like I'm the first.
He has told me that I am very different from his wife. He loved her and still does. He has 3 children, all older, one living at home. I have two older children as well, one living at home.

I suppose I need advice on how to approach this. I'm divorced, so it's different. It's a death of a relationship, not the death of a spouse. He had no choice, I did. He talks about her, not overly, but feels comfortable being himself with me.

I don't feel jealousy, more, the feeling is unsure of how to feel I guess. I know I can never replace her. I am a different person. I wonder if he compares. I wonder if he feels guilty. It's a situation I've never been in.

If you've had experience dating a widow/widower or are one yourself, I would love to have some insight about expections, etc.

Thanks,

Never give all the heart, for love...
If someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2001
Sat, 05-23-2009 - 10:36am

The widower I dated experienced an *ambush* and crashed about two months after we began dating. Problem is he started going out (and having sex) just a couple of months after his wife died.

Bad bad decision on both our parts. I don't think he could "feel". I REALLY liked him. I got hurt.

I feel that a divorce is a real trauma in one's life, so I wouldn't minimize that decision. It doesn't mean you had an easy time simply because your husband and you had the choice.

As for this:

"He talks about her, not overly, but feels comfortable being himself with me.

I don't feel jealousy, more, the feeling is unsure of how to feel I guess. I know I can never replace her. I am a different person. I wonder if he compares. I wonder if he feels guilty. It's a situation I've never been in."

I can relate. But everyone is different and everyone handles grief differently in their own time; that's part of what I learned.

I'd approach dating a widower as I'd approach ANY dating possibility. Don't concentrate on him until he deserves it and don't date him exclusively.

Get to know him. All widowers are different and experiences can't be compared, just as his character and integrity are different from the next man's.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Sun, 05-24-2009 - 7:21am

I just broke up with a widower.