what to tell my friend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2005
what to tell my friend?
5
Sun, 05-31-2009 - 7:27pm

So I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask this.

About a month ago I started hanging out with my ex boyfriend. We broke up for a few reasons, including that he did not get along with some of my friends.

Well I told my friend that I was hanging out with my ex again. Then she asked, "You're not thinking of getting back together with him, are you?"

Please note, she did not say "Are you thinking of getting back together?" I would have been fine with this question.

Now, I am 23 years old. I can decide who I want to date, and who I want a relationship with. I'm not sure if I will get back together with him yet, nor do I want anyone else's opinion about this. I did think it was rude that she asked the question like this. I actually think the whole thing is none of her business, but the way she asked the question seemed like more of a command.

So my question is, next time she asks me this question, is there a polite way to say "why do you care?" and "none of your business"?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2001
Sun, 05-31-2009 - 11:09pm

Well, I'm questioning your sincerity here. And I mean to be polite about it, but you did post the question.

I'm thinking you're a bit sensitive on the subject because she clearly sounds disapproving. After all, she knows your history, right?

"I'm not sure if I will get back together with him yet, nor do I want anyone else's opinion about this. I did think it was rude that she asked the question like this. I actually think the whole thing is none of her business, but the way she asked the question seemed like more of a command."

As far as her business, well, isn't that what friends are for? Sometimes? They keep us honest. Or they make us think. Or they challenge. And yes, they disapprove.

You haven't mentioned your history with the b.f. here, so we can't comment, and that's not why you posted this message. Probably the best way to go would be to let your friend know you're thinking and you're not ready to talk about it. In fact, you may NOT ever want to discuss it.

The whole issue sounds particularly sensitive when you mention that friends' opinions were part of the reason for the breakup.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2005
Mon, 06-01-2009 - 12:09am

I am not really sensitive about this. I just do not wish to have her get upset, and basically make me verbally sort it out during the argument that would most definitely ensue. I know I want to actually defend my choice in the matter, but, knowing me, I would end up defending the relationship. Before I verbally state anything, I usually like to know that it is true, yet she likes to know everything about everything, even before I know it.

"Well, I'm questioning your sincerity here. And I mean to be polite about it, but you did post the question."

Thank you. Your response was very polite. I do not, however, see why my sincerity is being questioned. I would just like to keep the peace (at least until I figure things out). The only things to say that I have thought of are either rude or lies.

"As far as her business, well, isn't that what friends are for? Sometimes? They keep us honest. Or they make us think. Or they challenge. And yes, they disapprove."

Well I guess this is where I must respectfully disagree. I don't want my friends to mother me. I don't like advice unless I ask for it. I do not need a second mother. She may know some facts about our relationship, but she wasn't in it, and it's not her decision.

If she were just going to disagree, and say her piece, and that be the end of it, that would be fine. But I've known this girl since the 3rd grade. She will insist it will ruin our friendship and end up crying and yelling, and call her fiance, who will then call me and I will feel guilty. It will be a drama-fest. This is not something I really wish to participate in when I don't even know if I will get back together with him. It's very hard to defend something that you don't really know for yourself if it should happen. But I would like for it to be me and my ex's decision-not other's. Of course she is my friend, and she is a good person, but I do not want her input or her drama.

Ideally, I would like her to stop being so nosy. But since that will not happen I would just like some diplomatic words to shut her up about it, but still keep her as my friend.

Thank you very much for your advice, it is much appreciated.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 06-01-2009 - 11:52am
For now you could just say something non-committal, like "we have been hanging out, we are just friends" or "I don't know." You could also tell her nicely that you really don't want her advice on the matter as you already know her opinion of your ex. She does sound like some piece of work to get so dramatic about your relationship, when it doesn't affect her. I have told my friends my opinion about certain relationships, but if they don't listen to me, it's their life. I wouldn't stop being friends w/ them because of it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
Mon, 06-01-2009 - 3:06pm

I am in a Rship which people dont like--an A for many years now.My friends and family disapproved ( its a very light word !)of it and tried to talk me out of it and did all in their power to 'free' me.BUT i took a stand that friends and family have their own place while MY life,My Rship has its own place.It took a while for them to come to terms but finally they did or lose my friendship.Now its so that my friends give me advice when i need,lend me an ear when i need ,rest ,its non of their business.

It might differ when women want to take this stand.dunno.
pEACE

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Mon, 06-01-2009 - 8:31pm

I *get* it now with the details about the drama-rama stuff.

Good advice you got. Caught Oprah today, the show was about such questions as yours, EXACTLY. One woman suggested that friends be supportive, NO MATTER their personal feelings. Something you could perhaps suggest to your friend--wow, you've known her a long time. You'd know how to put it.

Also, the idea of keeping it low key and changing the subject--sounds like a possibility. I think you're pretty clear on what you want (ie NO advice!) and that is the most important.