Help me get rid of this guy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Help me get rid of this guy
12
Sat, 06-06-2009 - 9:59am

Long story...been seeing guy since November, broke up in March, back "together" end of April. Seeing (?) each other again, though only four times since we got back together.

As I write this, please chime in with all the problems you see, all the things I am doing wrong, why, why, why I have to get rid of this man. I am having a hard time breaking away, but I have met another person whom, while I don't know if anything will happen (we only went on one date) SHOWED me what a REAL relationship has the potential to be like. In other words, I think he was...normal.

Old guy...very emotionally stunted. Fun to be with. Biting sense of humor (my type). Great in bed. When we got back together he went on and on about how delighted he was, how much he had missed me, how everyone noticed how miserable he was, how he loved me. A few days later he went away on an already planned trip, but called and texted me, and picked me up at my house to go out when he got back.

Then...silence. Didn't hear from him for a few days. When I texted him to make plans to get together, he said he'd be busy all week with GOLF, and maybe we could get together for lunch on Saturday. I sent him a long e-mail saying this was unacceptable, you don't do this to a woman. He e-mailed back that he was in his "cave" and he'd get in touch when he came out. That took a week. Last Friday, my ex husband was staying at my house to see my kids. This guy took me out for dinner, we went to his house, fooled around,then at 10:30, while we were watching TV turns to me and says "Text me when you get home, OK?" In other words...please go home.

We see each other only when he wants. He doesn't answer my texts on weekends. I havent' met his friends. He doesn't include me in on any plans. This weekend he went to Boston, he didn't tell me he was going until Thursday. Who is he going with? Who is he staying with? He says he's "hanging out with friends". Asks me to text over the weekend.

He wants me to go to a concert with him on Tuesday. He sent me a message saying we can meet at 6, but maybe I should come over earlier so we can have sex before we go. Seriously. I have two kids, I work (he doesn't...day trader). He won't tell me where he is this weekend, but I should be more than happy to ignore my kids to service him.

Please, please, please tell me that I need to get rid of him ASAP. While he has some good points, as far as "in the moment" fun, I just feel like a whore at this point. All the talk of missing me, wanting me in his life, loving me...This is all garbage. But then, can you believe it, a part of me feels guilty for backing out of going to the concert!

I'm an idiot!!!

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-06-2009 - 9:35pm

Sweetie, you KNOW very well all the reasons why being with this guy isn't good for you, you don't need us to tell you!


And, us doing it won't do any good anyway, YOU are the one who has to believe it in your heart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Sat, 06-06-2009 - 10:19pm
It is most definitely a pattern. I am starting to see some of my ex-husbands moves in this guy. I think the walking on eggshells seems familiar to me, so I am drawn to it. Trying to prove I am worthy is the same thing I keep doing. Yuck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Sun, 06-07-2009 - 11:20am

I TOTALLY agree with Sherri. I don't agree with you, though. You're not an idiot. We've all been there. I've been there with my personal Toxic Man.

Between the *silence* and the *go home* you've gotta find and believe in yourself and your sense of self-worth, even if you simply go through the motions of cutting this man off with your eyes and ears closed/NO CONTACT and come out the other side thrilled with yourself and how strong you can be!

Please let us know how it goes; we're here for you. No judgments, no matter. OK?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Sun, 06-07-2009 - 9:31pm

Thanks to both of you for your support.

I haven't heard from him since Thursday afternoon. No texts, phone calls, nada. Now it is Sunday night. Yesterday and all day today I just had that sick feeling...not that I 'missed' him and wondered who he was with (when we were more of a couple he had no problem calling me when I went away for the weekend or texting me incessantly if he was away), but not believing the nonsense I am willing to put up with in order to have someone in my life.

And to think that he thinks it's OK to behave like this and that I will drop every responsibility I have (kids, tutoring job) to go over to his house early to have sex. (He literally wrote that in his last text...come over early so we can have sex. How romantic.)

I haven't seen him since the 29th of May, which to some may not seem like a long time, but I've known him coming up on 7 months now and we only live a few minutes away from each other. What's the issue? What's his problem?

The fact that I even consider his feelings about bailing on this concert astounds me. If I had a friend in a similar situation I would go to her house and physically sit on her before I let her go out with a guy like this.

The worst part is I don't have any girlfriends close by to vent to, to encourage me to do what I need to do. Thank goodness for y'all because keeping it all to myself just stinks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Sun, 06-07-2009 - 9:59pm

Since the best cure for all this is a new, fresh man, what's going on with the other guy, the one you had a date with recently?

Also, talking and writing about it makes you relive it all. Venting is good. Up to a point.

Going out with someone new and cute and fun is even better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
Mon, 06-08-2009 - 10:55am
IMHO the only sure-fire way to get rid of this man would be to stop contacting him in any way shape or form. No calls, texts, or emails. I don't want this to sound hurtful but it isn't pursuing or chasing you and I get a feeling that should you stop, really truly stop contacting him, he'll just 'get lost' naturally without you having to do anything to make him go away. You know now that he's full of bs and doesn't want a r-ship with
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2009
Mon, 06-08-2009 - 1:30pm

Honey, you are mostly certainly not an idiot, but...

Yikes!

Icky guy alert!!!!

Here's the other part of the equation... pay attention to how you feel when you are with relationship-material guy... probably scared right? There's your trouble, that's where your work lies.

And if you possibly can stop all contact with old guy. (or young guy, he's a baby so maybe picture him in diapers)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Mon, 06-08-2009 - 4:44pm

Haven't heard back from the newer guy, he went on a week long business trip the day after we had our date. Bad: waiting a week to see if he'll call, good: he hasn't been on Match since we met. For what that is worth.

I wish there was a never ending pool of men who were normal where I am. I'm in the NYC suburbs and SOO many of the men in my area are obsessed with money and perfect women. I find it so hard to meet a normal man. I'm not joining a convent, but sometimes you just want to hide!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2009
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 1:02pm

My only advice is to stop ALL contact with him. Don't even read his texts or emails. Don't answer his calls and don't listen to his voicemails. It may be difficult at first, but after a week or 2 it'll be smooth sailing.


This guy is totally using you. He also seems as if he has control issues. RED FLAG!!!


Keep on moving along, date more men and you'll soon realise that you don't need someone like that in your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 6:24pm

Well, ladies, I did it. At 2:30 this morning (the dog kept waking me up due to a thunderstorm) I woke up so enraged I sent him a message saying that I didn't think it was a good idea for me to go out with him considering he doesn't seem to want anything to do with me. I sent him a "follow-up" email explaining ALL the reasons why this wasn't going to work...how the pushing away every time after we have an evening together was too much, and now he has his wish...he's pushed me away for good.

He sent me a text, first saying that he really wanted me to go with him tonight, and immediately after, asking why I can't just "chill out" and enjoy the time we have together.

Considering I hadn't seen him in a week and a half, and a week and a half before that, what time do we have together? And who, exactly, is enjoying it? This was a typical reaction on his part to my complaints about his behavior...it was always MY problem, I just can't just enjoy the moment, yadda, yadda.

I cried for about 15 minutes, then felt a huge surge of relief. He did all the right things at first, really sucked me in. But how does a person think that it is ok to keep pushing someone away, and expect that they'll always keep coming back?

I agree about the control issues...there were so many unspoken "rules"...no calls on the weekend, no calls when I wanted to get together, no dropping by, no asking what he did on the weekend. My mother thinks he must still be married and using his apartment as a "pied a terre" or he has a girlfriend. Yes, I do feel used. Yucky.

But I blocked his email address on my account and deleted all phone details, so I've at least started the process.

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