Bringing spirituality back into dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2009
Bringing spirituality back into dating
3
Sun, 06-14-2009 - 1:50pm

This is what I'm missing and why I date very little although I would like to have love in my life and even be married. I've been divorced 15 years now. The biggest obstacle for me is the men's "3 date rule," wherein if you don't feel ready for physical affection the man decides you never will, and hence he absents himself.

Well I need friendship first. Period. I can't be intimate with someone without having any idea what the man's character is, his loyalty, his orientation toward women (respectful? sees as equal?) Men and women BOTH seem to have fallen into a trap of "let's be sex buddies first" and see where things go. Meanwhile the man's contented and sometimes even infatuated in the beginning; the woman is soon feeling an attachment and scheming how to get him to commit and/or marry. And it's just a big head game. Not to mention for those first few months in my experience at least men are putting up a front about who they are and you find out later they hold women in a very low opinion. For my part I hold back about how much commitment matters to me so I don't "scare" men off. I've realized that men who SCARE that easy, to where I feel I can't even pronounce myself desirous of a long-term loving, committed relationship aren't MEN and I have no need for them. They're guys, they're males, but they're not men.

What about what our Lord wants for us and asks us to do, for those who believe? Regardless of specific faiths and interpretations of scriptures, probably few among us really believe He advocates being "sex buddies" or having "hookups."

I will probably be alone forever. I'm just getting used to relying on my pals for attachment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
Mon, 06-15-2009 - 12:36pm

I'm an atheist so can't related to the religious aspect, but I do undersand what you mean. I was all about

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Mon, 06-15-2009 - 9:28pm

I won't pretend NOT to know what you mean. Yes, it seems as if there's a three date rule. There isn't. It's what you feel comfortable doing. Or not doing.

One thing for sure, yeah, it's a numbers game. Just keep at it. It is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo difficult. You are right to have other *stuff* in your life. That's mostly what life is about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 06-16-2009 - 2:08pm

Interesting, because I was having dinner w/ my ex SIL this weekend. We are both divorced & 50. She really hasn't dated at all in about 10 yrs since her divorce, so I figure she gave up, but she told me she was looking into catholicdate.com or some site like that. She is very religious and said she wouldn't want a guy who didn't follow the same path. I know they have similar dating sites for different religions, so maybe that is a path to try.

I am not particularly interested in what religion a person is since at my age I'm not going to have more children and I don't really want to get married. I do agree that if you want a commitment and want to get to know someone better before you start having sex, which I would agree with, then you just say from the start that is what you want and that will weed out the guys who just want a fling.

I don't know where you have been meeting guys. I know it's hard to find them so most people do OLD. I would say that if you hang around places where nice guys would tend to hang out, maybe you will have a better chance, like church or volunteer groups. And don't give up. My uncle was widowed after over 40 yrs of marriage, then he met his 2nd wife when he was in his 70's. They didn't want to get married legally because she would lose a pension, but they had a priest bless them (I guess that's common in Fla. where there are a lot of elderly in the same boat.) Now she died also and I hear he has another girlfriend at age 82! I told my mom I guess I'll have to wait til I retire and then move to Fla. and find a BF.