Toxic Man's Long Ride on Me

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Toxic Man's Long Ride on Me
4
Wed, 06-24-2009 - 7:13pm

I’ve put off posting about Toxic Guy for long enough. This post is in response to several Mr. Potato Head threads from a few months back, wherein we discussed The Unavailables. They keep coming back. Guys who seem date-worthy, emotionally mature, and ready.

But they ain’t!

I’m also recommending a website called Baggage Reclaim. Check it out along with your excess baggage. I’ll put the link in a separate post.

This is about getting sucked into a very special place, a place most of us have visited. I call it the Toxic Zone. It’s impossible to visit once, just like it’s impossible to eat that one potato chip.

Monty, my Toxic man, and I go back about a year and a half. Ours was the classic blowtorch thing. Only I was unaware of the “blowtorch” concept. So I believed him when he said on the first date, the one where I picked up a few things at the supermarket after our walk and he pushed the shopping cart, “I love this. I want to do things with you. I want to be a part of your life.”

Before I drove off, he told me we should take our profiles down. Yup, first date after a tremendous first meet. I figured we'd get engaged by about the third date.

There was a pattern that became clear much later, after my head got screwed on straight. He came on strong, retreated. The first time after three weeks, sometimes for months. Murkiness floated in the air. Toilets and shower stalls sat in his dining room (he explained carefully), so he couldn’t invite me to his place. The former g.f. became the on-again, off-again g.f. and on and on. What remained constant were the on-again, off-again phone calls. “I want to see how you’re doing,” he would say. “Are you seeing anyone?”

And then she was gone, really gone and he began writing, calling, friendly, interested in my life, my novel, and that’s how he discovered himself on my dating blog as Cute Guy Monty, who morphs into Toxic Man. “You could have hit me with a brick,” he said. He had discovered my sick little secret, the crush that wouldn’t go away. Yup. So, armed with the knowledge that I was profoundly attracted to him in ways he'd never suspected, he tooled down the highway to my town, forty-five minutes away. A year from the last time I'd seen him.

I told myself nothingnothing nothing would come of this. Nothing.

He was attentive, funny, opened up, asked questions. I felt IT in spite of myself and yes, the making out was spectacular. (For those wondering, nope, the *dirty deed* remains undone.)

For weeks afterward, we enjoyed provocative and newsy e-mails and a few provocative text messages.

The pattern, though, continued. “I miss you. Is it OK to say that? I want to see you,��� he’d say. “But I don’t know when.”

I told myself nothingnothing nothing would come of this. Nothing.

Here are a few of the e-mails:

E-mail #1
...having thoughts of you...
i read some of the old monty blog and it made me schmile. :-))
monty

I had a plumbing problem and he offered to help.
“No, no. I’d never impose,” I said.
“No. I want to. It’s what I do.”
“When can you come?”
“Oh, not tonight. Tomorrow there’s a seder. And this weekend is busy.”

E-mail #2
i liked that you called...
...wish i didn't have the seder invite tonight... i would have come down and shopped with you.
Monty

E-mail #3
sorry i missed your call last night. i had the ringer turned off from earlier in the evening at the seder.
...hope you found the faucets you were looking for. if not, i'll look for you as well.
later baby ! monty

About this time, I’ll admit it, we were into little provocative tidbits of texting. I’m an expert. Here’s the result:

Monty’s Text Message two days later:
You wanna make out?

Yeah, I bit. We planned it for ten days later, because of his house-sitting gig that weekend.

And then he called. Friday evening. I was driving, bluetoothed, but even with an imperfect connection he sounded a bit, er, drunk. “I didn’t drink and dial,” he said. “I’ve only had half a glass. Something really cheap.”


“I didn’t want you to think I’d never drive up to see you,” I told him, knowing that he had a lot of work to do before I made that kind of effort. “I would. We could even meet and hike.”

“Yes, we could go to Sleepy Hollow. I love those trails,” and when he said this my mouth dropped open. “Or I could take you to lunch in Middleburg, near where I’ll be this weekend. That’s not far for you.” He sounded sincere. He sounded interested in me.

Sucked me right in, oh yeah, and yet, and yet…

The weekend passed. I told myself nothingnothing nothing would come of this. Nothing.

MY e-mail to Monty:

What a greaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat day, huh? Just wanted to let you know in plenty of time that I can’t make it next Saturday. So sorry to cancel.
Take care of yourself.

His e-mail response was friendly, a nothing response showing he wasn’t upset.

I deleted him from my “faves” on the dating site. I KNEW he’d notice. He became Toxic Man Rides Again under the letter Zz in my phone.

And then he called and left a phone message, asking if what I’d written in my e-mail meant goodbye forever. “Is that really it?” he said, his voice cracking just a bit. He had always played the victim role quite effectively, even better than he played the nice guy role.

From: Sunny
To: Monty
Subject: funny
Funny, didn’t hear my phone ring. That’s the truth.

OK, honest. You want honesty. I remember this from your profile. And yet you’re not, Monty. I’ve gotta have that trust thing in place. And that means you’re not really a friend to me. My mistake. I don’t need to tell you why—you’re a smart, insightful man. You know what you say.

Doesn’t anyone ever call you on this stuff?

And I’ll take responsibility for being provocative. It was such fun. At first.

Oh well.
s

From: Monty
To: Sunny
Subject: funny
...not funny...
why ?? and what ??

From: Sunny
To: Monty
Subject: not funny
...you don’t remember phone-talking, mentioning Sleepy Hollow/lunch in Middleburg...then nothing...

From: Monty
To: Sunny
Subject: My fault

yikes ...!!! no ! i didn't do that ! ...did i ?
blame it it my dead brain cells from the cheap bottle of red chilean wine... i am sssoo sorry............. !

i thinlk that i told you that i only had a glass or 2 ? it was more..... and a couple of strong decogestants...made for a bad mix.
pleas... you know that that is not me ! ... it hinjk ?

Nope. Didn’t respond to the above cuz I ignore e-mails received from sixteen year-olds.

Oh, does anyone know what * hinjk* means?

The last e-mail I received from Toxic Man was cryptic, but I think he called himself an a—hole using vocabulary words like “sphincter” and such. I can’t find it and it don’t matter much anyhow.

I badly need a permanent Monty vacation.

In the meantime, I’m leaving for Crete in a few days. Would love to hear YOUR Toxic Man story.




Edited 6/30/2009 2:44 pm ET by cl-petulia777

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Thu, 07-02-2009 - 11:51am

Those kinds of guys are

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Sat, 07-04-2009 - 12:05am

The worst thing about my toxic guy is that I could send him a text tonight and he would answer ASAP, even though I broke up with him nearly four weeks ago. I sent him one text last week commenting on a place I was visiting and how much I thought he would like it. Why I did it, I don't know.

I could have him back in a minute. He'd profess our brilliance together. Then in less than a week, he'd be back to the ignoring, marginalizing, keeping me in "my place", making sure I have no expectations.

Some days I get lonely...he only lives a few minutes away...

But I tell myself I'm just setting myself up for more anxiety and heartbreak, so I can let it go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2008
Tue, 07-21-2009 - 8:45pm

Well, I don't have a toxic man story, but haven't we all been attracted to a guy who was not for real, and not really good for us?


It's funny, because when you ask yourself why you like this guy, what is it about him, you just don't know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Wed, 07-22-2009 - 11:48am

Thanks, Sato. You're almost psychic in your knowledge of how The Toxic Ones operate. Indeed, he was all promises and regrets and playing at being in a supportive role, but we never even had a relationship. What we had was something forever on the cusp of becoming something...but, but, but...and yes, he's contacted me.

I ignore him.

He's truly unavailable in the very large sense of something not quite right.