cheap man or modern man??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
cheap man or modern man??
20
Mon, 06-29-2009 - 10:29pm

Am I just very out of tune with current dating mores?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2008
Tue, 06-30-2009 - 12:09am
He sounds modern to me, but it is strange that he expects you to split things which he chose to do without consulting you! How old is this man? i find it strange, also if he chose the coffee he should have paid, it's just plain courtesy! I am 26 years old and haven't been on a first date for which I was expected to pay. This man is weird. But if you like him maybe you should let him know how you feel about this, at least the more expensive dates of his choice! Good luck!
Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 06-30-2009 - 8:19am

This guy sounds pretty clueless. I'm sorry, on a first date (not the first meet) the man should pay, really. I even want him to pay on the first meet, which should be casual, like coffee or drinks. Now, I have read that some men are confused by this because they have been on dates where they have tried to pay and the women have become angry because they wanted to pay their share. But that doesn't really sound like the case here.

And how pathetic is it that he's invited you to an event that he expects you to buy the ticket for independently? Whatever happened to courtship?

Plus, he dresses shabby and drives a beat up truck? And he talks about himself and doesn't ask about you? I don't think I could stay interested in a man like this.

I don't think you are "out of it" at all. I think he is. I'm 55, and I expect a man to court me a little. And at our age, if paying for dinner is going to break him financially, we're just not going to be a good fit. I don't expect to be taken care of, I'm not a gold-digger, I have my own money, and like you I pay my share once a relationship is underway.

Might be time to date some other men...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Tue, 06-30-2009 - 10:42am

Basic dating manners haven't changed much since Lancelot's day. That's the first thing.

Second. Age doesn't matter. This guy was born cheap. OK, maybe not quite. But *cheap* is a character flaw and those sorts of things are part of one's being.

You're doing what I call "filling in the gaps." That's when a woman steps up and smooths out the wrinkles, makes it all nice and neat. So the Professor doesn't need to act the part of the man; he can coast along with you, make little effort, and enjoy your resentful (he doesn't know this part) company.

Do you actually even like this man? Judging from this:

"The other thing i found incongruent with this man is he appears to be well educated and read, said he was a retired professor, a business person but shows up wearing a shabby plaid shirt, driving a beat up old pick-up truck.. Not my idea of dressed for dinner, even in this very casual town. Hmm, another little red flag, he does not lack for words talking about himself--very interesting stories he tells but not once in the three weeks we've been communicating, has he asked me a question about me."

I might give a Talky man a second chance, but three weeks and no interest in you as a person? Chalk this one up to clueless, boring, and cheap. Move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Tue, 06-30-2009 - 12:44pm

Hey thanks Ladies,


Nice to hear the same thing from all of you including a

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Tue, 06-30-2009 - 2:39pm

I read your last post. Have to say, I'd be so tempted to "straighten him out" as my sister and I joke.

She did it once, straightened someone out who'd recontacted her--and she told him why it was a no go.

I'm not saying you should lay it out for him, of course. Still, it's fun to compose a *head e-mail* on why the person who issues the invitation pays.

Anyway, don't DON'T let one Cheapo spoil your fun forever! Remember, this dating game thing is a numbers game. It ain't easy, but there are at least seven nice, fun guys out there who'll not only invite you, but be more than thrilled to pay.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Tue, 06-30-2009 - 3:24pm

There was a time I'd want to "straighten him out" but you know I've already raised five kids and I'm just not into man training any more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 06-30-2009 - 4:47pm

Hey, you are a lot nicer than I would have been. I just got divorced from my 2nd marriage, but I do remember back 10 yrs ago when I was doing on line dating a lot (and I doubt things have changed that much) and even on the first meet, most of the time I would offer to pay but the guy would say no. But if he did ask for an actual date after that, I can't recall one guy who ever asked me to pay for my share. I do think after you are in a relationship, then both people should share the costs, but by that point, you are also more comfortable discussing where both of you want to go, the costs, etc. If one person does all the planning & inviting, they should pay.

As far as the dress issue, I think that it shows a lack of class not to make any effort to dress nicely when you are on a date. Not that the guy has to wear a suit, but even if they are in a polo shirt and more casual pants, you would think they would be clean & ironed. They can look grubby at home when they are lounging around by themselves.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Tue, 06-30-2009 - 5:35pm

I decided to be nice and take the high road but I'm really not going to spend any more time with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Wed, 07-01-2009 - 3:37am

Well, well, well the guy answered my e-mail.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 07-01-2009 - 10:52am

I guess that's one problem when you do get into the retirement years, of people being on a fixed income. That's why I (I'm almost 52) have no interest in dating an older man. lol Seriously, I'll be working until I'm 66.5 in order to collect the maximum SS, so until that time, I don't think I could deal with the fixed income issue. But in his "explanation" to you, basically he said that you're not "important or special" enough to take money from his investments! I do actually think the guy has it backwards, though. The "getting to know you" phase is when the guy should try to impress his date--maybe not by spending a ton of money, but if he can only afford to go to Applebee's and pay for both, or even if he wants to make the first meetings a cup of coffee, he should still pay. Then if he likes the woman enough, then he can talk about (or at least give major hints) that he's only living on Social Security.

I also agree w/ you about the dress--if you can't dress nicely enough on a first date, that doesn't say much. I have clothes that I have bought at Target for really cheap money that still look nice.

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