How do you know if he's *Ready*?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
How do you know if he's *Ready*?
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Tue, 07-07-2009 - 7:40am

Not dating for several weeks--I'm on vacation--has given me a chance to sift through past experiences and think about how I'd like to approach the whole dating thing once I'm back. Plus, I teach, so that opens up the summer a bit.

I'm wondering why I choose/am chosen by men who don't seem ready for a relationship. There's a host of them, the last one being Motorcycle Guy. Is this all luck? I've got friends over the years who've met someone within weeks of getting on a dating site. So, what vibes do I throw out that mark me as someone who's datable but...er...and I'm not blaming the men--many times I don't find them to be what was *advertised* and I back off.

Even one guy with a long relationship history backed waaay off after coming on very strong. And maybe that's one reddish flag. I've done it all, though, experienced the blowtorchers, the slow-to-warmers, the clueless, and those that return to the watering hole (me) to check me out yet again.

It all gives me stuff to write about. I should have been a psychologist.

Any ideas about how to "get through" this fallow period? It's disheartening and I know others feel/have felt the same way. I'm not clingy and I don't readily stop dating several guys in favor of one person, because that's usually a false step.

I'm getting a massage here this week. That should help.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-08-2009 - 12:41am

From my own experiences and those of my circle of friends and acquaintances who are dating in so-called "midlife", I think it's a pretty common thing among men in our age group, so to a certain extent it's just a numbers thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Wed, 07-08-2009 - 10:55pm

I wish I could tell you I have the answer. I'm still trying to figure it out myself. Lately I've been looking at what kind of vibes I give out.

I work, am raising two kids alone, I tutor and I am also working on another masters. Personally, I think this turns off a lot of guys. Why? Because, I think, they perceive all this as me being unavailable. Which is sooo not true, but at the same time, I am not always available for last minute get togethers,and I am not always available to talk on the phone at certain times.

Also, I tend to find myself attracted to "bad boys", guys who are funny and edgy and get my sense of humor. They also, for some reason tend to be REALLY bad boyfriend material. While I will laugh about various "issues" people have, and really try to see everyone's side to their "story", I think this also comes across as "this woman will put up with a lot of crap".

I think I set my standards too low as to what I will put up with. I have never wanted to be a 'bitchy' girlfriend, but for some reason, I find men seem to actually like it a bit. To me, it seems like game playing, so I treat the men I meet like I would treat a new (girl)friend. But I think THAT translates into, "this woman just wants to have fun...nothing serious".

Does any of this ring true for you? When you become a psychologist, let me know, and I'll schedule an appointment. I think we have a lot to talk about!

PS...I also agree that it is something about men our age...it's like they've gone back to being teenagers and are always looking for the next best thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Thu, 07-09-2009 - 4:07pm

Thanks to both of you. What helps here is that I KNOW I"m not alone, but sometimes it just gets to me.

"And of the men I've met who *are* ready and want to be in a relationship, it seems like a good number of them are too emotionally damaged/messed up to be good partners and they're not willing to get help." Or else they think they want to be in a R. but after a few months (or even weeks!) they're backing off.

As far as the bad boys go, well, I'd like a *bad boy* definition. In my book, it's guys--or should I say the rare guy--who gets it going for me despite having nothing, but nada to offer. Toxic is an example and he just keeps coming back. In fact, this past year I've had about six guys who've boomeranged back to visit the waterhole. (A friend of mine says we can do better than that expression, so I'm waiting for her cleverness to kick in. So far it's just talk.)

Or are we not looking past that middle-aged spread? Honestly, I can tolerate lots of physical imperfections if I meet someone who's got a bit of energy going, in spirit and in body.

Another question: what's with the *bitchy* mode anyway? I gotta be me and I can be bitchy at times, but that's not my regular style. I have expectations but usually that stuff ends up being the push-pull over sex and when to have it. I'm not a quick jumper-on to the sex wagon, especially if I'm not getting the contact and attention from a man that I need. Here's why. I don't like the sound of the phone not ringing. (Wish I could claim that as my own but I read it somewhere.)

And so it goes, around and around.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Thu, 07-09-2009 - 4:40pm

Here's MY "middle-aged bad boy" definition: comes on really strong, but not in a creepy, stalkerish way, but wants a lot of contact, checks in a lot, wants to make you 'theirs' ASAP. Things go well for a while, but while you are walking on the clouds that you have finally, finally met someone great...those little red flags start appearing.

First, they suddenly stop calling, returning calls, or returning texts. "Sorry, my phone died..." "Sorry, I left my phone in the car..."

Next, their whereabouts start becoming a little less defined, and whom they were with becomes a mystery. "What did you do last night?" "Went to a movie...", "What did you see?" "Who did you go with?" The answer may be, "Why do you want to know?" (Now remember, if you asked your best girlfriend, or even a friend at work these questions, they would answer without skipping a beat. And you're not even sleeping with them!)

Now, in the meantime, when you are with them, they still act all lovie dovie. But all of a sudden you are just a friend. You realize they don't do anything with you that involves THEIR friends. You realize they decide when you get together. They make no attempt to include you in their weekend plans and may even make plans to go away and not invite you along.

MY Toxic man did this to me, not once, but twice...the second time I could see the writing on the wall much faster and bailed out within weeks.

Now mind you, we got along GREAT. Very similar outlooks on life, exact same sense of humor, I could talk to him in a way I could never talk to my ex husband and even some friends.

Now a month later, who is sending me texts and e-mails again? You got it. He lost ALL his money in the market in the past few weeks and is moving in with his mother at 48 years old. The texts contained lines like "miss you", and how much passion we had together.

Clearly, he thinks this is going to work on me again. Little does he know I have a date tonight, another one tomorrow night, and two more guys who want to meet.

The first time he did this, I guess I was just thrown for a loop. It was the first relationship of any substance I had had since my divorce. I saw the signs but didn't understand them. The second time I thought I would give him the benefit of the doubt (maybe he panicked...), but realized he was just playing me.

This is, to me, just mean, selfish behavior. Wanting to have your cake and eat it, too. Always looking to see if their is something better instead of discovering more about what you already have.

It's immature...the big push at the beginning is like a kid begging for a toy at the store, then you have the toy and you really like it, then the toy gets dumped in the toy box because you're bored and want a new toy. One day, when it's raining, you see they toy in the box and think "oh, yeah, I had a good time with that toy." You take it out, play with it again for five minutes and dump it back in the box.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Fri, 07-10-2009 - 10:44am

Wow, this ain't the picture of a bad boy I'd been forming. It's sort of a New Age *now it's my turn*
baddish boy, the kind who are aided by the Internet. He's either been burned and can't trust (this is so common), or long-married and realizing that a guy in his late forties and beyond, especially with hair (!) has a lotta leverage. And he's using every bit he can muster.

"First, they suddenly stop calling, returning calls, or returning texts. "Sorry, my phone died..." "Sorry, I left my phone in the car..."

In my case, Toxic used the old "I drank more than I told you about and then took antihistamines on top of it" ruse. I haven't e-mailed/talked etc. to him since that one. What are we? Eighteen?

"Next, their whereabouts start becoming a little less defined...they don't do anything with you that involves THEIR friends. You realize they decide when you get together..."

Well, this is just NOT fun and he becomes a person you can't trust. That's why these guys CAN'T BE FRIENDS. You gave great examples of the questions and behavior you can expect from friends--that ain' it.

"The first time he did this, I guess I was just thrown for a loop...I saw the signs but didn't understand them. The second time I thought I would give him the benefit of the doubt (maybe he panicked...), but realized he was just playing me. This is, to me, just mean, selfish behavior."

I agree. But I must DISAGREE about one thing and I did the same as you, that is, gave him another chance. And more little chances. Never fully trusting again, though. What I disagree about is specific behavior that, in fact, TELLS YOU CLEARLY what kind of a guy he is. (One guy I went out with for several months was very very subtle about the pulling away, so much so that I questioned myself and my insecurity--was it kicking in? My instincts were right.)

Anyway, when you've been somewhat intimate (whatever degree fits here, doesn't matter), and the guy DOESN'T CALL YOU, well, that's a clear message of disrespect. It's also a clear indication that he's immature emotionally. Scared is an excuse that's often used.

So I had no real reason to disbelieve actual behavior, bad bad behavior on the part of Toxic. And yet I gave him another chance.

"It's immature...the big push at the beginning is like a kid begging for a toy... then the toy gets dumped..."

These are NOT men who can give us anything we need. The scary part is the ones who come on all enamored and sincere. They are smart and dangerous. Maybe they're smitten, but it isn't something they can sustain. As Sheri said, these guys are damaged. They don't realize they need help.

Good luck with those dates and at the very least, have fun!

Oh, one question. Are you communicating with your Toxic? Just wondering. Those Toxics are good, so good at sucking us back in--at one point last winter, I had back to back Toxics!

Briefly, only briefly. After all, too much toxicity can be cancer-causing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Fri, 07-10-2009 - 5:45pm

In touch with my toxic only sporadically by text. I stay pretty neutral, I'm starting to find them more of an annoyance than anything, mostly because he starts up when he needs me (the going bankrupt, moving in with mom part) to support him. So, I think, he's trying to suck me back in so he can get his ego massage. After all, if he's trying to date, how many women are going to find a broke, unemployed, estranged from his child, living with mom guy all that attractive?

Yes, this is a different bad boy definition than the one from our teens and early twenties. Those bad boys were such BLATANT bad boys that it was almost comical in retrospect. Now, in middle age, I think they are more subtle and insidious. Different approaches, but still leaving the other partner confused and thinking she is nuts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Fri, 07-10-2009 - 11:44pm

Date update: Last night's date, nice guy, no chemistry.

Tonights guy...not classically handsome, very short (no prob for me), great chemistry, smart, creative, off-beat. Already made second date. Made it clear what he is looking for: not marriage, but if it happened it's good. Looking for a companion, someone to be there. Never had that conversation with toxic guy.

Ironic moment of night: he doesn't live in my town, so after dinner he wanted to walk down our main shopping street. We had to cross the sidestreet my Toxic guy lives on. I look up and there is Toxic mans car, right at the intersection...and he NEVER parks on the street. Yikes.

This town's too small.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2007
Mon, 07-13-2009 - 4:46pm
It's refreshing to read this -- I'm going through a similar situation. Had a guy come on really strong then change his mind. I'm also in the mid-life dating range and am finding that these men just aren't emotionally available. They say they are and they've changed but I just don't believe it. My most recent, and hurtful experience -- the guy said he loved me after about 3 weeks of dating, then said he changed his mind. It's sort of made me a little depressed and even though I know this guy is no good, and I've cut it off, I've spend the last few days just feeling crappy about it. I'm thinking I need a break from dating. The kicker is, I took a two year break, dated for 5 months, and then this guy. Don't know if I want to go through this again.
Another thought - a lot of my friends are telling me to go for a younger guy. Late 30s early 40s but I'm not so sure about that either. I look younger than my age, but I'm not sure the emotional maturity will be there.
Never give all the heart, for love...
If someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Mon, 07-13-2009 - 10:13pm

How do you know if he is ready?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Mon, 07-13-2009 - 11:07pm

Your post came at an interesting time because I have had nothing but disfunctional relationships and I think I may have met someone close to normal, but I don't know how to react!

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