Should I even try dating?
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Should I even try dating?
| Sun, 07-12-2009 - 3:39am |
A long time ago I got frustrated with dating and decided that I wouldn't even consider it unless a woman asked me out first.
Besides, I had a lot to keep me busy. There was lots of schooling --

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I doubt you're "too ugly" and doubt that is the reason you have not dated. I'm wondering what it is that frustrated you so much about dating that you gave up? Perhaps some of the answers lie there.
You don't really know if no one finds you attractive: you only know that no woman has asked you out. Perhaps there is something in your manner that keeps women away? And of course, it's more usual for the man to do the asking anyway.
As to your lack of sexual experience, most women would be relived that you didn't want to have sex after the second or third date. I think once you meet someone you are attracted to, you will have no trouble with sex. There are also plenty of books you could read about the "mechanics" of it all.
I would recommend you get counseling. I think you've got a lot of issues that need to be talked through, and plastic surgery isn't going to fix them. I'm not opposed to plastic surgery at all--it may really give you some of the confidence you lack, but I still think there are much deeper issues here than your nose.
I wish you all the best.
I don't think it's confidence that I lack. All of my women friends describe me as smart and witty and funny (as well as funny-looking). However, not one of them in a million years would consider me date-able in a romantic sort of way.
While every effect has an underlying cause, what is effecting my romantic life (i.e., the lack thereof) is far more deeply rooted than an issue of self-confidence -- it is instinctual. Unfortunately, our instinct to procreate drives us to seek out mates that are genetically suitable for that purpose. That is what underlies the tenets of attractiveness... and chemistry. While a powerful and confident personality is attractive to many women,
This might sound cliche but I swear confidence will override your looks if you have a TON of it. I have seen some of the most unattractive men appear hot to me because of how they carried themselves. And this is coming from a woman who is really into looks. If you are doing things with your life that you are really good at and love doing, then that is a good step to being more confident.
Also, it helps to take care of your body and looks a little. Shows that you care about how you present yourself. It wouldn't hurt to know a little about flirting too. Find a guy who isn't that attractive who is great with women. Maybe he'll be able to give some simple pointers.
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I honestly don't think that anyone is "too ugly" to date, unless they really have some kind of deformity. If you don't believe me, next time you are out in a place that's crowded, stop & look around. I bet you will find a lot of really unattractive people who managed to find someone. And from what I have read, plastic surgeons who are reputable will ask what you want the surgery for and if you said "I think it will help me get dates" might tell you that even if you suddenly changed your appearance, it's not a guarantee that you will be able to have a relationship.
My 1st DH was pretty good looking. My 2nd DH was about 5'8" (which didn't matter to me since I'm only 5'1") and honestly not very attractive. He compared his own looks to a bulldog, which I don't agree with. But he had kind of a fat stomach, but really skinny legs & no butt. He wouldn't have won any handsomeness contests. But he was very romantic, treated me nicely (at least before we got married--long story). I do believe that after the initial first impression, women are much more concerned w/ a guy who has a nice personality, good sense of humor and treats them well than having the most handsome guy. But YOU have to believe it. If YOU believe that you are too ugly to date, you are never going to attract anyone, which is why I agree that some counseling could be helpful to you.
Do you meet any women at work or at your various activities or the gym? Maybe you could start w/ something very slow, like asking someone for coffee or lunch, where you can start w/ more of a friendship kind of thing. And don't go after the most beautiful woman in the room either. There are plenty of women w/ average looks who don't get asked out often who might like to have the interest of a nice successful guy. As far as your inexperience, I think a lot of women (at least middle aged ones) are pretty happy that they don't have to fight a guy off on the first date. If you think things are going well, you don't necessarily have to mention that you are totally inexperienced, but you might say that you aren't that experienced, because you really concentrated all your efforts on spending time in school & working.
Thanks for the advice. You are certainly right about confidence being a major component of success - in fact, probably a necessary one. I do meet quite a few women through work and at the gym. I am outgoing and personable, and many people say I have a wicked sense of humor. I cultivate friendships easily. But I
I think the feedback here for the O.P. is excellent and comes from the heart.
My immediate reaction to the "too ugly to date" statement is this: if only objectively attractive people dated/married, etc. where would our world be?
I have a male friend who's been complaining for years. I think he's his own worst enemy and the result is that he indeed has a hard time getting a second date. He's skinny but in shape and not bad looking, IMO.
What doesn't work for him is moaning, telling stories about all his rejections, and his hangdog look. I don't know how else to say it--I think he'd be attractive if he saw himself differently. I've had to stop hanging out with him because he has very little to say, makes no effort at activities, and has few opinions.
I'm not saying this is the OP. Just outlining my experience with a similar personality.
Confidence is indeed a ruling force. It outplays looks every time. Every time. The only time it doesn't is if you're with a person, man or woman, for whom *looks* are at the top of the list. That's just immaturity. And who'd want that anyhow?
Honestly, I feel like giving you a big whack on the head and telling you to get over yourself. You have a great personality, as evidenced by your ability to make friends, you are smart, you are probably financially successful, you have a really interesting side job of being an actor--don't you think that outweighs any deficiency in the looks dept? Because if you don't, that's why you can't get a date. Just think of some successful actors, particularly in comedy, who aren't that great looking, maybe people like Jack Black or Seth Rogen--they aren't handsome guys, yet they manage not only to get girls, they usually even get pretty girls to date or even marry them. I'm not totally against plastic surgery if it will make you feel better. If you think you have a huge nose, then maybe a rhinoplasty will in fact make your nose look better and make you feel more self-confident, then go for it. But don't turn into Michael Jackson, a formerly attractive man whose self-hatred (I believe) made him keep getting plastic surgery and turned him into a freakish looking guy.
Sure, at first people are attracted to others by their looks, so maybe at the first meeting, women aren't that turned on by you. But after you get to know someone and she seems to like you at least as a friend, then why can't you ask her out? or if you have some good women friends, ask them what they think--do they think you are doing something that turns women off?
You know..you could think of it this way too. At least you're dealing with women who in general are suckers for a great personality.
Keep working on the eye contact thing. I used to be extremely shy when I was younger but I learned to practice keeping eye contact with men I was comfortable around. Practice with a family member and then move on to a friend. Find someone who won't think you're weird for wanting to practice eye contact, lol.
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In advertising and marketing, people make emotional decisions. So
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