I really think it would be a good idea for you to explore these issues w/ a therapist. Yes I think there is a correlation between you going for the wrong type of guy and not being able to make a commitment.
You say that you want marriage & family but then you go out & pick guys who are definitely not marriage material, so do you really want to get married or is it that you think that is what you should be wanting at your age?
I suppose women could be "playboys" as much as men could, but in the long term I think it would be a very unsatisfying life, hopping from one person to another and not having any kind of emotional commitment. I don't know if it's natural to be monogamous, but I do think it's important for a successful marriage. It's not to say that married people don't find other people attractive or get bored w/ their spouse sometimes, but they are able not to act on those impulses because they are in love w/ their spouse and know they don't want to hurt the other person. I also think you are putting off a lot of guys by just deciding immediately that you aren't attracted to them. Of course, wouldn't everybody want the cutest guy? But looks fade and it's not the most important thing. I've also found that guys who aren't the hottest are more willing to do things to make their woman happy and treat them better. The hottest guy figures (sometimes) why should I bother? I can just get someone else.
Also, reading. I read a book once by the Dalai Lama about happiness. I can't remember the exact name, but I'm sure it's still in stores. There was part of it that I distinctly remember because I never thought of this before and it was the difference between pleasure & happiness. Pleasure is something that temporarily fills needs, like sexual activity w/ various people, or what you would call sowing your wild oats. The same could be said for using drugs of alcohol to get high--of course it makes people feel good because otherwise they wouldn't be using them. But happiness is a different state and it's more related to long term issues and doing what is actually good for us emotionally. So having a lot of sex w/ random guys will never bring you actual happiness. (I'm sure it's explained a lot better in the book.)
I think what the other person said about talking to a therapist sounds like a great idea. I am sure they could help you sort out these thoughts and feelings. It kind of sounds like you are unsure what you want. You say you want to get married and have kids, but do you really? Obviously it is ok to not want kids, many people make that choice. For some people it takes a while before they might be ready to settle down with one person, and that's ok too. The fact that you say you have never felt love, or don't seem to form deep emotional attachments to any guys could mean you have some things to work through where you keep people at a distance so you won't get hurt.
Monogamy is super-duper unnatural when you're young and want to explore and feel and do and and and. You feel: why (only) him? There may be something else out there that is so much better. It becomes SUPER natural after you get to about 30-35+ and realise that, yes, you too will get old and wrinkled. Trust me, you will see. There is nothing wrong with you.
I think monogamy is possible but not natural. I think it takes a lot of hard work and if someone isn't willing to work at staying monogomous, it may not happen. I'm totally afraid of being with a man I don't think is gorgeous because I'm afraid I'll eventually find someone whose personality I love AND who is more gorgeous to me than my boyfriend is. My friends say that when you fall in love, you'll forget about all other guys...even the hot ones. But what if you're just not that attracted to the guy you're with in the first place?
If you're really not that attracted to someone, it wouldn't be fair to tell him that you want an exclusive relationship, would it? When you're always looking for the next cuter guy to come by. Frankly, I don't think being monogomous is hard work at all. I have been married twice--my 1st DH was/is pretty good looking. My 2nd DH isn't that good looking, but he was still sexy to me (and really good in bed). Never once during the years I was married did I have any temptation to cheat--first of all, it was against my moral standards, but you can always find someone who is better looking. That's not what a relationship is about. There are a lot of things that go into it and some of those things take hard work, such as learning how to disagree w/o wrecking the whole relationship. But I don't think that being faithful is very hard at all.
Once you truly fall in love with someone, then they become much much more to you than a pretty face. They become all the more attractive to you because of the way you feel about them and the person they are. If you can get pulled away from your boyfriend so easily then you do not have a very strong relationship. Obviously women see men that they find "hot" practically every day of their lives, but they do not run off with them or hit on them. Looks fade.
I think though that monogamy is not natural for the human species, especially males, as far as how we evolved. Obviously men do double takes on pretty women all the time, they are the ones filling up the strip clubs, not women. They are programmed to look for suitable partners to breed with. Modern men have overcome alot of it but you still see the remnants of this instinct. If you can imagine way back when humans lived in small groups, in caves, etc. There was probably a "top dog", the alpha male who got to breed with all the females. Like a pride of lions operates for example. We have been able to quash alot of these old instincts with increased brain power an the fact that that type of arrangement doesn't work well in modern society.
That's a good point that when you have a strong relationship, you don't feel the need to stray. I haven't actually been in a relationship where I was with someone I was in love with. That's why I'm scared I would stray away in marriage...but the guys I've been with have not given me a good reason to stay with them.
It's nice to hear from those of you who have never felt the need to cheat while in a marriage or relationship. Thanks! I'd like to hear from men who are the same way :)
I really think it would be a good idea for you to explore these issues w/ a therapist. Yes I think there is a correlation between you going for the wrong type of guy and not being able to make a commitment.
You say that you want marriage & family but then you go out & pick guys who are definitely not marriage material, so do you really want to get married or is it that you think that is what you should be wanting at your age?
I suppose women could be "playboys" as much as men could, but in the long term I think it would be a very unsatisfying life, hopping from one person to another and not having any kind of emotional commitment. I don't know if it's natural to be monogamous, but I do think it's important for a successful marriage. It's not to say that married people don't find other people attractive or get bored w/ their spouse sometimes, but they are able not to act on those impulses because they are in love w/ their spouse and know they don't want to hurt the other person. I also think you are putting off a lot of guys by just deciding immediately that you aren't attracted to them. Of course, wouldn't everybody want the cutest guy? But looks fade and it's not the most important thing. I've also found that guys who aren't the hottest are more willing to do things to make their woman happy and treat them better. The hottest guy figures (sometimes) why should I bother? I can just get someone else.
So you think I need a therapist?
I'm a big believer in therapy myself.
Also, reading. I read a book once by the Dalai Lama about happiness. I can't remember the exact name, but I'm sure it's still in stores. There was part of it that I distinctly remember because I never thought of this before and it was the difference between pleasure & happiness. Pleasure is something that temporarily fills needs, like sexual activity w/ various people, or what you would call sowing your wild oats. The same could be said for using drugs of alcohol to get high--of course it makes people feel good because otherwise they wouldn't be using them. But happiness is a different state and it's more related to long term issues and doing what is actually good for us emotionally. So having a lot of sex w/ random guys will never bring you actual happiness. (I'm sure it's explained a lot better in the book.)
Hm.
Monogamy is super-duper unnatural when you're young and want to explore and feel and do and and and. You feel: why (only) him? There may be something else out there that is so much better. It becomes SUPER natural after you get to about 30-35+ and realise that, yes, you too will get old and wrinkled. Trust me, you will see. There is nothing wrong with you.
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Once you truly fall in love with someone, then they become much much more to you than a pretty face. They become all the more attractive to you because of the way you feel about them and the person they are. If you can get pulled away from your boyfriend so easily then you do not have a very strong relationship. Obviously women see men that they find "hot" practically every day of their lives, but they do not run off with them or hit on them. Looks fade.
I think though that monogamy is not natural for the human species, especially males, as far as how we evolved. Obviously men do double takes on pretty women all the time, they are the ones filling up the strip clubs, not women. They are programmed to look for suitable partners to breed with. Modern men have overcome alot of it but you still see the remnants of this instinct. If you can imagine way back when humans lived in small groups, in caves, etc. There was probably a "top dog", the alpha male who got to breed with all the females. Like a pride of lions operates for example. We have been able to quash alot of these old instincts with increased brain power an the fact that that type of arrangement doesn't work well in modern society.
That's a good point that when you have a strong relationship, you don't feel the need to stray. I haven't actually been in a relationship where I was with someone I was in love with. That's why I'm scared I would stray away in marriage...but the guys I've been with have not given me a good reason to stay with them.
It's nice to hear from those of you who have never felt the need to cheat while in a marriage or relationship. Thanks! I'd like to hear from men who are the same way :)
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