Don't know what to think

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Don't know what to think
4
Mon, 07-13-2009 - 6:35pm

Which means I probably shouldn't be thinking at all.

I met a nice guy on line, had a longish date on Friday, lots of talking, a walk around, a nice kiss before we parted ways. He even sent a "thank you" text an hour later. We set up a date for Sunday, which consisted of us basically spending most of the day together...started out at a flea market, flowed into lunch, walking around a neighborhood he was thinking of moving to, then a lot of kissing...all very sweet and innocent, thank you!

Today, I got an email from him asking how the rest of my day went and telling me what he did.

So why am I writing this? Because my track record with men is SOO bad, I really like this guy and I am trying to do a couple of things: make sure I don't stress out over him, keep everything in perspective, not scare him away.

I met him on-line but I haven't gone on the site since Friday because I'm not interested in looking right now, but I have gotten a few emails from guys who I was in contact with before I dated this new guy.

I'm wondering if I should stay in contact and possibly date these other guys to keep myself from getting too focused on the one. I'm not into casual dating, I want to really get a relationship out of this on-line thing, but I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak.

Naturally, when I have no one, no one contacts me. I meet someone, they come out of the woodwork. Go figure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2009
Wed, 07-15-2009 - 12:44pm

I';ve been online dating since March and in my experience just when you think you've found the one and you stop searching, reading profiles, he disappears. Now mind you, I usually don't overwhelm guys, I am and come across as emotionally stable and sane and all the rest, but it doesn't matter. If he is intent on playing the field or sleeping with as many women as possible

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 07-15-2009 - 2:00pm

I too have experienced the phenomenon where when you have no one, someone is hard to find, but when you finally have someone, all the rest come after you.

I'm a guy, but I also think you should definitely keep dating other people until this guy you like really pans out into an exclusive thing or ends. You never know who these other men might be, maybe you would like one of them better. If the current main guy doesn't work out then you will maybe have some of these other guys to fall back to. Also it gives you dating experience. Over time and dates you can pick out things you like, things you don't like, signs things are going good or bad, signs a guy is in to you or not, etc.

I have read too many accounts of people who have been ghosted on, even after several really awesome dates where the other person seemed really really into them and paid them many compliments. Just read the Online Dating board. It is very easy to get overly excited too early about a person and then have it all come crashing down. The only thing that proves anything to you is time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Thu, 07-16-2009 - 9:35am

As a guy,who hopefully has NEVER ghosted on a woman after some awesome dates :-), what do you think is going through the head of a guy who DOES ghost after some good dates?

Last year I went on two dates with a guy and wasn't feeling it after the second. I sent him a quick e-mail saying he was a nice person, but I didn't really feel any chemistry. I knew he liked me better than I liked him, so I didn't want to "ghost" because that's just not very nice. I mean, getting rejected isn't either, but isn't it better to let the other person know where they stand?

Or is that just my girl mentality here?

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 07-16-2009 - 3:08pm

The only time I ever ghosted on a woman after a date was with one woman where we had a "nice" date but it was obvious neither of us was clicking with the other. I guess you could say we ghosted on each other. I was dating two others at the time also and I went on to an 8 month relationship with one of those two and the other one I sent her a polite email saying I was pursuing another relationship.

I think it is better to get a polite rejection rather than getting nothing back.

Just last night I read an email that a woman wrote in response to an initial email from me. She commented on something funny I wrote and said thank you but she was interested in "beefier" guys than me. So that's fine, I am just not her type physically. At least she let me know and I appreciate that.

I had in my profile a line about being friends first and then moving into a relationship. This woman also said she was not interested in just friends and as looking for the love of her life. I decided to take out the friends first line. I suppose that is implied by the fact you will be in a relationship with them so you better be friends too! It was not the first time that line was misconstrued, so I just took it out.

Hmmm so what DOES go through the head of some guy when he ghosts after a few good dates? It's a little like how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop, the world may never know. :)

Seriously though, geez maybe he suddenly got scared? it got serious too fast? he was dating someone or more than 1 and another one seemed a better fit? I can see some people thinking it might be easier on you to not give you a rejection after some good dates but rather to just go poof and then you are not so crushed?? It is definitely a more cowardly approach although it is not like they have to talk to you, all they need to do is send an email.