Is dating worth the pain?
Find a Conversation
Is dating worth the pain?
| Mon, 07-13-2009 - 8:53pm |
I'm 33 years old and have actively dated men since I was 20 (late bloomer) until 3 years ago when I got married.
| Mon, 07-13-2009 - 8:53pm |
I'm 33 years old and have actively dated men since I was 20 (late bloomer) until 3 years ago when I got married.
Wow, what a question. I'm in my 50's, very long marriage and not a happy one. But I have an excellent divorce and get to visit my friends in Crete every summer. Courtesy of the EX. Not kidding. We're better pals than partners.
I've discussed the dating vs *afraid to get out there* syndrome with a few close friends. Mostly we're in favor of the dating, no matter how frustrating, how many Toxic guys we meet, how far far away The One seems. It's all part of life's experiences and somehow LIVING seems better than avoiding. I like to say that I regret nothing and I hope I mean it in my heart.
Too bad I didn't have the guts to leave the marriage sooner, but that's how it panned out.
And I may never meet a man I want to spend the next few years with, so I'll have to spend a few months with several men. Perhaps.
The thing is that I can't lead a one-dimensional life. I know a bit about that; my Ex is doing it right now. During our marriage, his work was all-consuming and that didn't bother me. Until it did, finally.
I want it all. I want the intimacy and I'll have to keep looking until I find someone who's mature enough, fun enough, and is willing to take a risk of the right kind with me.
Once, a long time ago, a couple of my friends were talking about relationships. Cindy was telling Jim about the kind of guy she wanted to marry -- kind, intelligent, successful, happy, gorgeous, confident, funny... Then Jim asked Cindy, "so what are you going to be like to attract that kind of guy?" That is one of the few times I have ever heard someone consider changing themselves to get what they want.
If I was good-looking enough to date, I would consider it a blessing and an opportunity to grow. But since women consider me about as attractive as a dirty diaper, I devoted my attention and sexual frustrations to my career. As a result, I have enjoyed amazing success and have many wonderful friends, and I've become quite the adventure freak now that I have the time and
"Better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all."
I have very mixed feelings about this.
I don't want to be alone. I am 42, never married and alone. I want to share things with someone, but the whole dating thing is too hard on my self esteem.
To me, dating is worth the pain, and I've been looking a really long time. I think for a long time I had given up, thinking it just wasn't in the cards. But I think this can be a self-fulfilling prophesy. There's some wonderful quote and I can't remember the author's name, but it goes something like this: "When we believe there is a way, a path will open up. The belief itself creates the path." Don't mean to go all new-age on ya here, but I think there is some real wisdom in that.
But sometimes we have to just acknowledge that we need a break from dating, and that's totally OK. Some other advice I got that I thought was very good was to meet men as if you are meeting a friend, and don't worry so much about whether they are "the one" right away.
p.s. I'm still looking.
Very good advice.
That reminds me of the movie "The Secret". It's not really am movie per say but a New Age thinking documentary if you will. Interviews with New Age thinkers and the like. It came down to exactly what you said. If you believe there is a way, a way will be made. The power of positive thinking basically. They even suggested a collective bunch of minds could have influence over matter, though I can't remember what happened exactly.
Also then yes the opposite is true, taking a bad attitude into a situation like dating or a date, can reap you what you thought was going to happen, a bad outcome.
Never give up. That's the key. Take breaks, vacations, write, sing, dance, make dinner for your friends, hang out with all sorts of people, in other words, enjoy life. But never give up.
And getting out there means you'll get rejected. We all do. It's part of life and certainly, POSITIVELY part of dating life. A rejection is normal. Everyone can't like you. Move on from the rejection. You've gotta do it...and never, ever give up.
I'm writing this now because it'll help me when I read it back. And no one said this stuff is easy.