kinda sad, kinda mad

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
kinda sad, kinda mad
30
Wed, 07-15-2009 - 9:07am

Had a great first date with a guy on Friday, he touched base Saturday, we spent the day together on Sunday...but at the end he didn't ask me out again. Two e-mails on Monday, telling me what he did with the rest of the day on Sunday, responding to something I said in the other...nothing Tuesday, nothing today.

But he was on Match an hour ago.

So do I think, "He's over me" or do I give him the benefit of the doubt (He's answering mail...)

What makes me mad is that he was very kind, very specific in his stating of what he was looking for, and HE actually kept extending the date on Sunday by suggesting we keep doing things together, whereas I was ready to leave several times (just thinking it was the appropriate thing to do, not because I wasn't into it), and then nothing.

I don't know if I should send him a quick e-mail asking what's up or just leave it be. On the one hand, I HATE game playing, I prefer people just say what is on their minds and move on, but on the other hand, I realize this is all a game.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2009
Wed, 07-15-2009 - 10:52am

I only have one thing to say.....


...."But he was on Match an hour ago."....


...so were you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Wed, 07-15-2009 - 11:06am


See, this is the peculiar thing about online dating:

I only have one thing to say.....
...."But he was on Match an hour ago."....
...so were you. Don't bust your brains!

Perhaps being on vacation in a faraway land has cleared my brain. And believe me when I say I've bent the patience of my friends here discussing that very subject. Responses vary from "I'll NEVER do it" to "I'm feeling so sorry for you girls." (Married friend--won't comment on that answer, I've already discussed that one to death!)

You could analyze this one to death, too. He got to know me and it isn't happening; he's got unexplored opportunities, was I too eager? Can I believe what he says? Blablabla.

Keep dating and having fun and assume he's doing the same. If he wants to ask you out again, he knows how the phone works.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Wed, 07-15-2009 - 1:14pm

I hate to say it, but the only reason I went on Match was to see if he had been on...I hadn't been on since last Friday. I even had mail and I didn't look at it.

Petty, babyish, yes.

I keep asking myself what I am missing when I meet these guys. Is there some sort of code they speak in that I haven't figured out? When a person tells you they value honesty, compassion, kindness, friendship, and then they never call after telling you how glad they are that you had a good time with them, how do you believe it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2009
Wed, 07-15-2009 - 1:48pm

"I hate to say it, but the only reason I went on Match was to see if he had been on...I hadn't been on since last Friday. I even had mail and I didn't look at it."


Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Wed, 07-15-2009 - 4:24pm

"I keep asking myself what I am missing when I meet these guys. Is there some sort of code they speak in that I haven't figured out? When a person tells you they value honesty, compassion, kindness, friendship, and then they never call after telling you how glad they are that you had a good time with them, how do you believe it?"

I think a lot of people (both men and women) value honesty, compassion, kindness and friendship, but it doesn't mean that you will click with them. I think a lot of men will say they had a nice time with you regardless of how they felt because they want to be polite. And I think some of them DO have a good time, but upon reflection, you just don't do it for them—and that doesn't mean you aren't totally wonderful, beautiful and so right for someone else. You may have been in the same situation yourself, where you had a good enough time (and certainly acted like you did) but later you just weren't feeling it.

I also think a lot of men reflexively say "I'll call" because they don't know how else to end the date (I actually read this...written by a man. It was interesting, because he said, "How would you like it if a man said, 'I really didn't enjoy our date, and I am not planning to call you'?").

Trust me, I know it's frustrating, and sometimes it really does seem baffling, but I think things can unravel for no good reason, especially early on. I also think the whole OLD aspect of it contributes to this seemingly "quick-to-discard" phenomenon.

I'm still trying to figure out OLD. I'll let you know when I have. ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Thu, 07-16-2009 - 9:29am

<< I also think the whole OLD aspect of it contributes to this seemingly "quick-to-discard" phenomenon.>>

I totally agree. In "ye olden days" (like the 80's, ha ha), you met someone and focused, I think, a little more on them because the pool in front of you was rather limited. So you worked a little harder on getting to know someone because how/where are you going to meet someone else.

Now, when your date is over, you can go home, click on the computer and find something newer or better. You don't need to think about the person you were just with. Kind of makes everybody disposable, and when people complain that others are so shallow, I think this mentality of "what's better out there" is making that problem worse.

For me, if a date ends and he doesn't want to see me again, I can usually tell, so no "I'll call you" line is necessary. If I hear, "It was nice to meet you...", I take that as "we're done here". No problem, I would prefer THAT to a fake promise.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 07-16-2009 - 2:04pm

A good date doesn't have to end with "I'll call you". Why not just say, "talk to you soon", or something like that. It leaves it open to future communication, but not specific to I will call you. If they are interested they will be in touch.

I must admit that I have checked up on women on Match, who I am in the email exchange stage with. After a few days or whatever you start to wonder if they lost interest and I will go see if they have been on Match. Like one woman who stopped emailing me, I saw she was on Match,, always within 24 hours, but no more emails. Then just the other day her profile disappeared soooo I guess I know she found her knight in shining armor :)

I guess things take on a new dimension though once you start actual dating and calling. Of course at least with Match anyway, you can read and write email right out of your own personal email account if you so choose and you don't need to visit the actual site.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Thu, 07-16-2009 - 8:20pm

Did you reply to any of his emails on Monday?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-16-2009 - 9:10pm

Ok, I read your post a couple of times, but I'm not sure I understand what the problem is.


You're not exclusive and it's only been a couple days since you went out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Fri, 07-17-2009 - 11:30pm

I think what it is is that I just don't understand how the other team works.

For instance, I think I am pretty up-front about what I am looking for. I make it pretty clear that I am not into casual dating (it's in my profile, and ironically, it's something that most guys comment on in a positive way).

The second time we went out, every time I thought the date was over, he kept asking me to do something else. We did a lot of walking around and talking. He asked a lot of very pointed questions (and kept "extending" the date even after these very direct little conversations).

He sent ME e-mails the next day. I responded briefly, trying to not seem too eager, but not unfriendly, either!

Geez, we spent eight hours together on that second date. I figure if you aren't into someone, after maybe a couple of hours you pack it in, say "nice to have met you" and move on. You don't email again the next day chatting about the day before and asking questions about what the other person did later if you aren't interested.

And I ask again, if you tell people you believe honesty and kindness are crucial, how do you ghost on people in good conscience?

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