Am I doing everything wrong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2008
Am I doing everything wrong?
3
Thu, 08-13-2009 - 9:56am

OK, this could get long, but I need to give all the details.....

I met S online, we hit it off right away. We both agreed that it was as close to "Love at first sight" that either of us had ever encountered. He is 37, I am 39. He asked me within the first week to be exclusive with him. He works for the Dept. of Defense, and as a condition for his employment, he must also be in the National Guard. Hence, after 2 weeks of being with him, He found out he was being deployed to Iraq for a year. We both wanted to make it work, and 5 months later he left. It has been extremely difficult having him gone, I miss him terribly. When he first left, he was at a base in Oklahoma (we both live in Michigan) and would call me whenever he got a chance (twice a day), I also received gifts, flowers, love letters, etc. He asked me to marry him when he was in Oklahoma. He has been in Iraq for 4 months now (altogether we have been a couple for almost a year) We still talk about getting married when he returns. he tells me that he is buying me a ring and making it "official" during his midtour leave (4 weeks from now)

My problem......

For a period of 2 months, probably the whole period of June/July ...we have been arguing quite a bit over the phone. He gets up at 4:30 A.m. (9:30 PM my time) every morning (he starts work at 7 a.m.) to call me, and we usually talk for an hour or so. even when we were having a difficult time of it, he still calls. We finally came to a breaking point about 3 weeks ago where we decided that we had to either break up, or make the commitment to find out what was making us argue, and to work on it. This is my "reason" for arguing: When he got to Iraq, things changed drastically. I was sending him cards, letters, care packages (weekly). But his letters stopped, he stopped calling me twice a day (was still calling me once a day for an hour) I know that this is actually a lot of communication for someone who is over there, but in the beginning, he made such an issue of keeping in contact with me and said that he actually got upset if he couldn’t. Today was his day off, and he didn’t call. I called him, and he was watching a movie. I told him that things have changed so drastically from when he first left. He says that he is just exhausted, that he still feels exactly the same way about me, but that I don’t give him a chance to “do” the things that he used to do. What is wrong here? I may be leaving some things out. But I guess my problem is, I was not the least bit clingy when we first started the relationship, now I feel that because of how he was…. (calling, texting, writing, etc) and the fact that it has all changed, I am now clinging and wanting that back. What should I do? What I want is for him to feel that way again. I feel like he doesn’t care as much. I guess I’m not happy with just the phone call. I can’t exactly “back off” am I supposed to not answer when he calls? I don’t want to feel like I am playing games, but why am I so upset? I have told him my feelings, and what I need, but I feel like he is tuning me out, even though he tells me that he understands. I guess why I am so upset is that he used to call me when he got back to his CHU, and now he doesn't. I want him to want to, lol, and my feelings are hurt that there doesn't seem to be that intensity anymore.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 08-13-2009 - 4:27pm
Have you posted this on the Military Spouses board (not sure of the exact name) because I would think that those women could give you some good advice. IMHO, I would not agree to marry someone based on a long distance relationship only, whether from the military or work or whatever. I don't think you can really know each other when your entire relationship is based on talking on the phone. You don't have to live together, but at least when you are in the same town, or close by, you get to see how the other person lives, go through the every day kind of things together, etc. and get a more realistic idea of what it would be like to live together. As far as your original question, I would just say to give him a break. Every relationship starts off pretty intense and no one could keep that up. He still calls you almost every day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2008
Thu, 08-13-2009 - 7:18pm
Actually our relationship has not all been long distance. the first 5 months were spent together before he left. then he was in Oklahoma for two months, and now Iraq for the last 4 months.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2007
Sun, 08-16-2009 - 7:10pm
I agree with musiclover; the reduced communication is very normal.