First experience with "true love"

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2009
First experience with "true love"
19
Thu, 08-13-2009 - 1:06pm

Hello! I have answered questions before here but it's my first time asking for advice. So far I love how supportive all of you seem to be. And honest :)

I am dating a guy who I experienced lust at first sight with. Never had a guy like me back this much who I was this attracted to. I sometimes can't believe he likes me back because he is very charming and good looking and women approach him all the time. So I'm really flattered he likes me this much. And I am totally infatuated with him. He gives me the butterflies every time I see him.

The problem (of course there is one huh) is that he is very independent and doesn't always stay in touch with me. Some days he will text me a lot and others I won't even hear from him. If he has plans over the weekend, I won't hear from him for days. Also, he constantly tells me that he will call me and he doesn't. He'll promise to do something with me the next day and then I won't hear from him for days. It just seems disrespectful to me but I don't think he realizes he's doing it.

I can respect independence but I have to admit that I want a boyfriend who wants to be with me every weekend and who is very attentive. He may turn into the second boyfriend I have ever had (I'm 29). I'm afraid that if I don't tell him I'm not happy with his actions, I will be stuck with a boyfriend who is not very attentive. But I'm also afraid if I say something, I'll scare him away. We aren't exclusive YET but I'm sure we will be soon.

What should I do? Say something to him or just deal with it and accept that that is how he is? I appreciate the advice. Thanks!

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Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 08-13-2009 - 3:50pm
I think eventually you are going to need him to actually do what he says hes gonna do, all of the time. If it is going to work out in the long term, you are going to need that. If it is going to work out for almost anyone in the long term, they need that. If you settle into couple-dom you will need accountability. If it goes exclusive that might be time to let him know you want him to follow through on what he says he will do.
Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Thu, 08-13-2009 - 3:50pm

My short answer: 1) don't say anything 2) start thinking of yourself as a desirable catch that he would be lucky to have

You don't mention how long you've been seeing this guy--I suspect not too long? You say you aren't exclusive yet, but you are sure you will be soon? What makes you say that?

I'm reminded of the quaint articles written for teens (back when I was a teen) entitled "Is it love or infatuation?" I think there was some real wisdom in those articles. It sounds like perhaps you're still in the infatuation (lust) phase with this guy? You also sound a bit too grateful that such a "charming and good-looking" guy would "like you back," but you admit that he is not respectful to you by not calling when he says he will.

And, I think it's a little clingy to expect any boyfriend to text you every day and to want to spend every weekend with you. My thought is: get busy with your own life and activities and stop being so available--not as a "trick," but because you have better things to do than sit around waiting for Mr. Good-Looking to call. So far, you are making it so easy for him to take you for granted--he can blow you off and you're still eager to see him when he does show up. I feel like if you have to have a "talk" with him about being more attentive, this isn't a good sign. A man who is really into you is going to treat you with more respect, plus he's going to want to be with you...maybe not every single weekend, but he's not going to blow you off the way this guy has been doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 08-13-2009 - 4:15pm

The problem I would have is the making plans for the next day and then blowing you off--I think that is disrespectful if he says something like "tomorrow I will call you & we will go out for dinner." That sounds like a definite thing, right? So then you are waiting for him to call and if you got any other offers, you would say well no, because BF & I are going out to dinner. So if he says something that sounds definite and then doesn't call, well, first of all, I would probably be calling him and saying "aren't we going out for dinner tonight?" or even better, since he sounds like a guy who is very vague about things, when he says "do you want to go out to dinner tomorrow?" I would pin him down then about the time & place to figure out if he really means it or if he's thinking about MAYBE calling you if he doesn't find something else to do.

Other than that, saying "I'll call you" really doesn't mean anything. It's like "have a nice day" Guys say it all the time. He obviously means "I'll call you eventually." In the beginning of a dating relationship, I wouldn't be nagging someone about how much they call or how often you see each other. If he has already told you that he has plans for the weekend, then don't expect him to call, but better still, don't be sitting home waiting for him--go out & do stuff yourself. For all you know, his "plans" could be another girl, since you haven't made any promises to date exclusively. The same w/ texting. He might be texting you a lot when he has nothing else to do, then he might be busy at work or school and not have time.

I agree w/ the OP who said not to feel so flattered that he likes you, but I completely understand how you feel. I always considered myself kind of average looking, not the first woman that guys would look at, so it would be kind of surprising to me if a guy who was really handsome and popular to want to be w/ me. But if you look at it from that POV, you will put up w/ a lot of stuff that you shouldn't because you will be afraid that he will dump you and all these other women are waiting around. Really, try not to do that to yourself. At the least, if he says that he is going to do something, hold him to that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2001
Fri, 08-14-2009 - 5:04am

"Also, he constantly tells me that he will call me and he doesn't. He'll promise to do something with me the next day and then I won't hear from him for days. It just seems disrespectful to me . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2009
Fri, 08-14-2009 - 12:19pm

Wow! Thank you for all the replies!

Khatru1, you're right. He needs to be held accountable for what he is saying to me. If we become exclusive, I might bring it up if it keeps happening (which it most likely will).

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2009
Fri, 08-14-2009 - 12:25pm

We've been seeing each other for almost three months. So it's still early. I feel like we will be exclusive because I can tell he really likes me and he hints about me being his girlfriend in the future. Plus he does stuff like insisting on meeting my parents (which he did) and talks about how he wants to still know me in the years coming up.

Yeah, I do sound grateful that he likes me back. Maybe it's more that I'm surprised because in the past I have been able to get the attention of guys like him but they ended up just wanting to date me casually and not exclusively.

I see all my friends spend every weekend with their significant others and it makes me want it for myself too. I haven't spent a weekend with him for the past four. I know I shouldn't compare myself with my friends but it sounds great knowing that you can count on your boyfriend for weekend fun. But I agree. I should just be busy with my own life (which I DO have, lol) and if he wants to spend time with me, he'll have to make a bigger effort.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2009
Fri, 08-14-2009 - 12:47pm

You're right! Saying "I'll call you" is like saying have a nice day to guys. I'm going to have to remember it every time he says it, lol.

I like the idea of just making my own plans every weekend. The only problem is that he'll tell me that maybe he'll see me. So then I'll make my own plans anyways (cause I don't trust that he'll call) and when he calls me asking if I'm busy, I'm disappointed cause I'm gone doing something else and missed out on seeing him. That sounds pretty bad huh, lol. It sucks that I can't fully enjoy what I'm doing cause I'm sad that I missed seeing him that weekend. I don't know how to not care that I missed seeing him.

I think I'm more afraid that if I scare him away, I won't find another guy that I'm this infatuated with who will like me back. Or that it won't happen again for a loooooong time. Cause it did take almost my whole life for this to happen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2009
Fri, 08-14-2009 - 12:50pm
Yeah you're right. It's unacceptable. I guess I just don't know when or if I should bring it up that it bothers me. I'm thinking that if we become exclusive and it keeps happening, I'll have to bring it up. And if it scares him away, it will suck majorly but at least I'll know I stuck up for what I wanted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Fri, 08-14-2009 - 1:24pm

If he says "i will call you tomorrow and we will set up something"
He doesn't call then yes that is unacceptable or would be to me, and if he continued to do that after I expressed to him my thoughts then he would be gone. You could tell him you would appreciate it if he tells you he will call on a certain day that he calls that day, or tell him not to put a time frame on it.

If he says " i'll call and we will set something up" is a different story. He could call the next day or 5 days from then.

Most people are on their best behavior the first few months, if he can't show you common courtesy, and respect now, what makes you think he would if you talk to him after being exclusive? It was acceptable to you while just dating so why change things after you are "exclusive".

It is almost like guys will say "well after they hook me things change" and a lot of time they are right. A lot of women will put up with things while dating that they wouldn't when it becomes serious and when it becomes serious they hit the guy with things they don't like.

Speak up for what you find acceptable or unacceptable if he doesn't like it then it is better to know sooner rather than later. Why would you settle until something better comes along? Don't you deserve better?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 08-14-2009 - 3:22pm
I know it seems to you like you waited forever and that by now, you probably have some friends who are married, but believe me, if things don't work out w/ this guy, you most likely will find someone else. Don't settle for bad behavior just because you think he will be the last guy to ever come along. I do think it's strange that if he really likes you, he doesn't do more w/ you on the weekends, which is when most people are off work and have free time. Unless he had a lot of special plans, it would be strange to me that if he likes you, he chooses to do things like just hang out w/ his guy friends rather than take a girl out on a date, at least for part of the weekend. What is it he is saying that he's doing?

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