Played like a fiddle?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2008
Played like a fiddle?
10
Fri, 08-14-2009 - 11:47pm

I have been seeing this guy for about nine months. we agreed to be exclusive after about 3 months of seeing each other. Things were going well for the most part. We spend time mostly on the weekends and we text, email, call during the week. There have been times when I text him or send email and he doesn’t reply for a couple of days. I asked him what that was about and he had no words for me. I asked if he was sure he wanted to be committed because being busy is one thing, but for days in a row?

Also, sometimes he will call and make plans, but then not show up nor call. He has done this a couple of times and I told him to never ask for plans if he plans not to keep them. He agreed, but then a couple a weeks ago, he did the same making plans then no show no call. I asked if he was seeing someone and he told me he wasn’t.

Along with the vanishing acts is the fact that he always asks me to come out to his house to pick him up. I don’t mind it sometimes, but I did ask him why can’t he drive himself sometimes. He claims to not knowing how to get to my house. I told him that it’s strange I can find his house so he needs to get on Mapquest or something. Then on yesterday he called at 6:30pm and asked if we could get together for dinner. I told him that it sounds great, but he should drive himself over. To that he begged for me to pick him up to which I told him that I didn’t feel like driving. I’d have to go get him 30 min drive each way and then take him home. It would be late and I just wasn’t up to that. He then asked if I could come to his house. I’d still need to do the drive as I have a young child so I can’t spend the night on such short notice. I suggested we plan for something this weekend since I was not in a situation to do impromptu unless he could just drive himself. I was sad in that I wanted to see him and hang out and I told him so. I also asked what the deal was that he couldn’t have his car at my house. Gas money? Did he have a girlfriend in my area or something?

Well, this morning he sends me a text. It says “guess what? I got a date tonight. It’s my first date since we began seeing each other.” Stunned, I texted back and asked why he sent the message. He replied that he was just sharing the info. I didn’t reply. Later on he texted again and said, “See all that time you prolly thought I was f-ing someone else and now you learn the whole truth that I never was.” I ignored the message, but I was a mess with hurt. Another text came that said, “hey, it’s just a first time date nothing more nothing less so no use in getting worked up over it.”

To that I asked him how did we get to this point from being exclusive to him getting a date and throwing it in my face, all in a matter of hours. He said that the 30 min drive is nothing, yet I refused. I asked if it’s nothing then why doesn’t he drive. He finally said, “hey, we lost out last night. Both of us.” I asked if he was doing this because I didn’t feel like driving and said yes. I told him to go for it then. I can’t be tested or taught a lesson it’s too ridiculous. He texted back, “Let’s just hope she has a nice ass.” I replied that for his sake, I hope she does too and that he should focus on his date and leave me out of the picture as I won’t see him now that he’s seeing someone else. He texted, “I’m just sowing seed.” I texted back, “and you reap what you sow.” Then I turned off my phone.

I don’t know how to feel. If he has a date, then something’s been going on even it if was only chatting online or something. I feel like he just needed to get me mad so that he could get some space to date other people and such. It seems worse to throw a new woman in my face than to just tell me outright or ghost away. Is his behavior about revenge? I can’t believe he is doing this because I wouldn’t pick him up the other night. We had no other arguments or fights so what gives? Please help me figure this out…

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2008
Sat, 08-15-2009 - 12:43am

He is doing this because he is a damned creep.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2001
Sat, 08-15-2009 - 4:39am

Run, don't walk away from this a**hole.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sat, 08-15-2009 - 7:53am
Agree 1000% with other posters.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Sun, 08-16-2009 - 4:11pm

Please reread your very own story. You've outlined everything beautifully!

Then read this, from another poster:

"Don't even try to figure this jack ass out! Don't bother wondering why he did what he did, he is extremely immature! Please run from him. Shut the door on this guy and never open again."

Then do it.

And have a few minimum expectations from a man the next time around. You'll gain his respect and your own.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Mon, 08-17-2009 - 5:28pm

Oh dear, this guy is awful to you. He can't drive? He doesn't show up for dates? He tells you he has a date with someone else? Bad, bad, bad behavior. Mean, childish behavior.

As hard as it is, PLEASE dump this man. And read baggagereclaim.com website, as this man is an emotional train wreck and you don't deserve this nonsense. This site will help you get over him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2009
Tue, 08-18-2009 - 12:47pm

You know what...I'm totally getting p*ssed off at this guy and I don't even know him, lol. Seriously, he is horrible and you really have to stop seeing him. His actions are plain mean and immature and disrespectful and I KNOW you deserve better. The things he said about this first date and about her having a nice ass...oh my gosh! Really?! Please, do yourself a BIG favor and kick him out of your life.

Oh by the way, you said you don't know how to feel. Feel angry for a minute, tell him how horrible he is, and then move on and forget about him. No one deserves to be treated like that by anyone. Especially by someone they are exclusive with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Tue, 08-18-2009 - 3:47pm

Clearly this jerk is a master manipulator. This is my opinion, for what its worth. I think he has been seeing people/someone else all along, or going out on dates all along. Something like that. There is no other excuse to disappear for days. Does he park his car in a garage? If not, maybe he always wants you to pick him up just in case the "other" woman/women drive by. He can claim, "Well, my car was there all night!" maybe he told the women he was going to be out of touch and they accused him of seeing someone else so then he could use the same excuse again. "Drive by, my car will be there all night." I think he wants HIS way, clearly, and he was punishing you by saying he was going on a date. It IS revenge. Talking about her ass, etc. Thats just plain rude and hurtful. He didn't get his way, so he hurt you in the one sure-fire way he knew would work. The no call/no show dates are unacceptable. He could be completely just self-absorbed, or maybe another women somehow prevented him contacting you. Who knows. If he magically has a date the next day, after he didn't get his way

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 08-18-2009 - 3:49pm

You are so lucky to be rid of this jerk now. It's just too bad that you wasted so much time on him. So what have you learned from this experience?

1) if a guy doesn't show up for a date when specific plans were made and doesn't even call to tell you about it, unless he was in a car accident or someone died (and those you should verify), that's it for him. OK, I could be a pushover, so maybe i would give him ONE chance, but not more than one. I wouldn't put up w/ this kind of behavior from a girlfriend, so is this how your BF is supposed to treat you? NO!

2) don't put up w/ a guy who won't make any effort for you. I don't think I would have put up w/ a guy who wouldn't drive to my house for more than a couple of dates. Traditionally, the guy used to come to the girl's house and pick her up for a date. Now I would go to my 2nd exH's house more than he would come to mine because HE had his child all the time (he was a widower) while my kids were w/ their dad sometimes. So since you have a child, he should have been driving to your house more. He can't find it? Yeah, buy a GPS or a map. Is he that dumb?

I am really steamed at him because he was really rude to you. So basically he's saying that even though the 2 of you promised to be exclusive, he's breaking that promise because you aren't at his beck & call any time he wants you? We're all mad & we don't even know you, so don't even trouble yourself about why he was being such a jerk (he was probably looking for some excuse to break up w/ you, but wanted to make it seem like it was your fault).

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2008
Tue, 08-18-2009 - 9:05pm

Thanks for all of the replies. I am taking everything you said here to heart. He sent a text to say he had a great time. Idiot. No more jerk!! I am exercising the no contact rule. I learned that from someone here suggested the baggage reclaim site. Wow! Mr. Unavailable is a fascinating guy!

I am angry. I think he is an across the board liar and like someone said, he's been seeing others all along. All I can do is chalk this one up to experience.

That story about the ex dating the ame guy as the friend is creepy. Six degrees of separation in cyberspace too?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Tue, 08-18-2009 - 10:32pm

Hey! Good for you and thanks for updating us.


I also agree that the baggagereclaim site is priceless. Don't you love her language? It's as if she's developed a technical vocabulary for The Unavailables that is all her own. You may knash your teeth as you recognize yourself. I did.


And yes, the No Contact rule is the rule that really works.


Good luck, be strong, and don't let this guy sour you.