Vibes on a Meet

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Vibes on a Meet
9
Fri, 08-21-2009 - 10:26pm

Just came back from a First Meet and you know how it is, thinking, replaying a few things, wondering if you'd be interested. This guy is OK looking, in shape, talked a lot, a bit too much, but also let me talk. Asked a few questions. I didn't feel a lot of warmth.

The funniest part of the evening was his recounting of a few really bad dates (a woman in a leather mini skirt and low-cut top e-mailed him, furious that he didn't make a pass at her).

Another woman got angry because he wanted to hold hands. He made a joke of this as we walked out--he asked if it was OK to hold hands. Cute.

This whole thing got me thinking of vibes, something I've discussed with male and female friends. Some guys are just plain better at it than others--some are aggressive and direct, making their intentions clear. And if they're appealing, well, who DOESN'T like that light shining right on us?

This guy wasn't like that so I couldn't really read him. I was also wondering if his talking meant that he was nervous. He seemed too into himself, telling me all about what he likes to do.

Does anyone else notice *vibes* or is that just another word for the ole chemistry thing? Do you think men are aware they're "coming on" and do they adjust the vibe thing as they go? I'm not making a lot of sense. Only had one glass of wine, by the way.

I'm wondering if a real charmer can create a vibe, sort of entice you even if you're not really thinking along those lines.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Sun, 08-23-2009 - 10:57am

I think you leave the date feeling something, good, bad or indifferent. I have had so many first meets lately...yeesh. Only one 'ick' (the guy ate the condiments on the table with a spoon, practically licking them clean), another sat as far away from me as humanly possible, another seemed ok, but then HAD to leave ASAP.

Another was great, asked me out on that night, we saw each other a few times, had an amazing time each time, then he poofed away. I called him on it and he apologized, but I didn't see that behavior coming so it threw me.

Of course, your person reminds me of the one I was "seeing" last spring...we went out seven times and he never did more than give a quick platonic hug. Never held my hand, no kiss on the cheek, nada. He was nice, we talked on the phone for hours, so I couldn't figure out what his deal was.

I think if there is a 'something' feeling from you, as in a comfort level with that person, that is the chemistry you are referring to. You aren't going to be completely at ease with a stranger, but there are some you just are, you don't feel like you need to work at it, it just flows.

Toxic men can create a vibe, I think, that is why they are toxic. They know how to put you at ease, so I think it's important to go into something new with a bit of skepticism and let him prove his worth. Not in a mean, standoffish way, but make HIM do the work of letting you know where he is at.

We have spent too long trying to figure out what their team wants. Let them start to do the explaining.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2009
Mon, 08-24-2009 - 12:12pm

I think some men are good at creating the feeling of a vibe...or I should say they're good at making you think there's chemistry between the two of you. Those are the ones to watch out for. If they're not giving out some vibe, either they're nervous, it's going to take a few more dates, or there isn't going to be any chemistry at all.

As far as your date talking too much, that could be nerves too, but it could also just be his personality. The guy I'm dating loves to talk way more than I do and of course it ends up being about himself, lol. It's irritating and funny at the same time because some people are just like that unintentionally. Some of my good friends are like that even though they really do care about me too.

So anyways, at least he was funny about the hand holding bit. Do you think you'll be seeing him again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Tue, 08-25-2009 - 7:26pm

Absolutely people who have spent lots of time practicing the art of making friends and dating can create instant chemistry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Tue, 08-25-2009 - 7:39pm

This is so funny and both your replies came at the right time. I am going back and forth on this guy--oops--the initial guy I wrote about here is gone from my mind (and I from his, I'm certain) and the new one is another less than warm, intense, wow, wanting a RELATIONSHIP and laying it out for me, mentioning heavy stuff (I know I want to see you again. How do you feel?) way too often on a first date.

So I'm in the same iffy place with him--part of me is just plain wanting to be nice. Am I nuts? He's a nice man who's got a baggage-full childhood, for heaven's sake.

Thinking...thinking

As a friend of mine says, all this WRONG MAN stuff makes for good writing. ahhhhhhhhhhhhy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2009
Tue, 08-25-2009 - 7:53pm
Guys should be confortable during the date.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Wed, 08-26-2009 - 6:48pm

"Toxic men can create a vibe, I think, that is why they are toxic. They know how to put you at ease..."


Well, you've said a mouth full of good stuff here. (I feel like Helen Gurley Brown, editing for Cosmopolitan, adding these italics, oh, such fun!) And perhaps the toxic ones do create a vibe, but that's not why they're toxic. They're toxic because they draw you in with words, their actions don't match the tweet tweeting, and they're ultimately unavailable.


Toxics get a high, a rush from the chase. I have a male friend who's trying to break up with his g.f. this week. She burst into tears when he told her he's "not ready for a relationship." Yes, this is a 62 year-old man. I'm too much the good listener playing

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Wed, 08-26-2009 - 6:50pm

What does it mean "...the girl is all over the place?" Nope, don't get it.


If you mean the thinking stuff over, well, that's what it's all about. You meet, talk, you watch, listen, talk, think it over, and then you decide. Is this strange to you? Is this what you meant? Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Wed, 08-26-2009 - 7:01pm

Well, I'm giving Mr. Dairy Queen a first date. On the first meet we walked, talked, and psycho-babbled for about 45 minutes; he had no plan whatsoever. Seemed to want to take a drive. I wanted to be relaxed, so we agreed to a bite to eat, with a drive first. I suggested soup, thinking clam chowder, a local specialty. Not too much, but a chance to sit and relax. He doesn't drink.


So we drove--maybe he just loves his convertible--and when we approached the restaurant, a place where you can sit outside, across from the beach, I sort of murmured, "Soup is nice. Or we can have ice cream."


"Ice cream!" and he gunned the motor. "I know a place. There's a Dairy Queen." And that's what we did, sat outside DQ and I had a Buster Bar. Sat having the distinct feeling he didn't want to spend money. And when we landed back at my car, he took off before I'd even opened the door. Not cool. A turn-off. I thought it was because he'd asked me out again for a Friday night and I couldn't.


So I am leaving in a few minutes for a Real Date. Only because I feel sorta guilty. Yes, folks, I'm one of those women who can't seem to say NO when I'm asked to go out again in person. He called, asking if I wanted to drive around, get a quick bite to eat, walk. Or hang out.


And I was honest. Gently said I wasn't into hanging out, that I was looking forward to a real date. So he invited me to dinner. My choice, a place near me.


We shall see.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Thu, 08-27-2009 - 10:33pm

Well, last night was the 2nd date. Started out pleasant enough and then turned into Heavy Duty Convo #3.


Previously I'd had 1 on the telephone and 2 in person, and when I say "heavy", I'm talking how he changed his life around, how meaningful his work in addiction and recovery is, and then a whole lot of info on his AA program, complete with sayings I'd already heard. ("I make mistakes; I'm NOT a mistake.)