I'm stuck

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2009
I'm stuck
5
Sun, 08-30-2009 - 12:42am

It's been a while since dating anyone for me. So, I thought I'd try again (I'm 42). *sigh* the 1st few tries were really depressing! I'm shy at 1st, which doesn't make it easier to get a date, let alone be interesting on the 1st date!


Anyway, I am discouraged. Maybe I don't even WANT to date!??

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sun, 08-30-2009 - 7:18am

When you say you're going to try again, does that mean online dating, or just go out "looking" and being more open to being asked out?

Dating can be depressing and discouraging. It's perfectly OK to need to sit it out once in a while and recover. But you've got to "be in it to win it," and that's why I've continued to do OLD, even though it can be disappointing. Of course, I would LOVE to meet more men in real life, but frankly, I don't.

I'm an introvert by nature, not really shy, so I have to work harder than an extrovert when in social situations. Sometimes it just takes a little courage. Sometimes you have to just "act as if."

Not feeling attractive is something that will hold you back. Perhaps you need to take some time right now to update your wardrobe and get a new hairstyle...maybe loose a few pounds? This may seem superficial, but I think it can really help. I say this because I radically changed my hair about two years ago (I went to a new hairdresser) and as lame as it sounds, it really changed how I felt about my looks (and I'm way older than you!)

As a woman who has gone for really long periods not dating, I've learned that it's better to keep dating, even if it's less than thrilling--it keeps you from feeling like no one will ever ask you out again.

And finally, you can cheer yourself up in the meantime by hanging with your friends and doing things you really enjoy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Sun, 08-30-2009 - 10:09am

I'm with you Floridagirl.

After I divorced I didn't even care about dating anyone, so it was ok for about a year. Then I got lonely, but I still had no way of meeting anyone. In the meantime, my health and mental health stunk, so I started taking my dog on super long walks, started eating better (not less, heaven forbid!), lost forty pounds and felt the courage to do OLD. Made a huge difference in my confidence for those first meets because I look like my pictures and I know I am in (slightly) better shape than others my age. Or course, getting to that second date is a whole other story!

The first year of OLD wasn't so great because I really didn't know what I wanted and I think I was looking to a guy to 'save' me. Something happened in my head recently, so now I approach it as "how is this guy going to add to MY life?" Keeps me from going nuts when I don't get a second date, a guy stops emailing, whatever.

It didn't feel good going through this transformation, but I started doing my artwork again, and now every guy I have dated in the last few weeks is fascinated by the fact that I do artwork. So by going back to what I want, what makes me happy, I seem to be more interesting to men.

Now again, that second date thing...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2009
Mon, 08-31-2009 - 12:21pm

You don't want to date because you're not in your comfort zone or element when you do it. So you need to put yourself in situations where you feel confident and comfortable. For example, if you are really good at playing tennis, you could join a tennis tournament and meet someone there. Then go on a date where you two play tennis together at some cool place and then go out to eat afterward. You'd have something in common and would most likely bond over a great dinner.

So imagine something that you have fun doing and remember that it will probably lead you to some new friends and possibly dates too. It sounds like you're stressing too much over your lack of excitement about dating (understandable) so just forget about dating and go do what you are naturally good at or really enjoy doing. It seems like your excitement for life (and possibly dating) would increase maybe slowly but surely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Mon, 08-31-2009 - 8:56pm

I totally agree with the posters. Plus you might give the thread on suggestions for dating/relationship books a try.


Yeah, I'll say it again--Judith Sills. Try A Fine Romance. It takes some of the mystery out of dating, which is more of a science than you'd think. Honest.


And no, I'm not not on Sills' payroll.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2009
Tue, 09-01-2009 - 12:53am

Thanks everyone for the advice. I will try just doing what I enjoy doing and let things go where ever they may from there.