Red Flags ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Red Flags ?
9
Sun, 09-06-2009 - 3:51am

...or am I being too cautious and too quick to dismiss someone?


I met a man three weeks ago through a mutual friend and we now have seen each other about 6 times.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: karenbfree
Sun, 09-06-2009 - 9:03pm

Yes, I would toss this fish back in the sea. The thing that stood out to me were 1) after only a few dates, he can't let you enjoy being alone w/ your friends, even after you told him that you weren't going to answer your phone. Why would he be "worried" about you? You're on vacation w/ friends, not alone. I think he was just worried that you were going to be having fun w/ some other guys while you were on vacation. I do think it's intrusive to call. If you had been going out for a long time, sure you would want to talk to each other, but not after just a few dates.

The alcohol thing would bother me because I'm not a big drinker. Some people like to drink every time they go out, but I would watch to see if someone has signs of being an alcoholic. Maybe if you are always going out at night on the weekends, and going out for dinner, it's normal if he has a drink or two. In the future, if you meet someone like this, I would try to plan dates during the day or something where people wouldn't normally drink, to see what's up.

And all the self-centered conversation. ON the one hand, he interrupts you and gives you these stories about himself, but if you ask him a question, he won't answer. What's up w/ that? And if he wanted to cook you dinner, why didn't he ask you to come to his place to eat? That's assuming a lot that he was going to bring food over to your place when you hadn't invited him. He probably expected you to cook it too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
In reply to: karenbfree
Sun, 09-06-2009 - 10:46pm

He was worried because he suddenly started getting thoughts that I may have been thinking while on my trip that I wanted to change my mindf about seeing him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: karenbfree
Mon, 09-07-2009 - 12:27pm
I think that if you try to explain why you were upset w/ him, he just won't get it anyway. Maybe you'll just have to give a very vague kind of thing about it's not working out and leave it at that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
In reply to: karenbfree
Mon, 09-07-2009 - 1:37pm
Well, you are right..because we tried to have a conversation Saturday morning and that fell apart--can you guess?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
In reply to: karenbfree
Mon, 09-07-2009 - 9:23pm

man i was feeling pretty good about myself spotting this behavior and deciding to let that fish go....And then the doubts and monkey-chatter that I'm being too harsh..looking for problems, too afraid to do the work in a relationship, or face the ups and downs or not understanding enough or expecting perfect and nobody is perfect.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
In reply to: karenbfree
Mon, 09-07-2009 - 11:05pm

OMG - I just got this brilliant flash of insight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
In reply to: karenbfree
Thu, 09-17-2009 - 7:31pm

After a week of silence I sent him a clear and short little e-mail that this is working and best wishes on your life's journey.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: karenbfree
Fri, 09-18-2009 - 11:44am
This is very weird to me. This kind of reminds me of my ex (who has bipolar)--we would have a terrible argument that would leave me very upset, not talk for a couple of days, then he would just start acting like nothing had happened. Like I should just move on & forget whatever he had done. By then I didn't want to bring it up because I didn't want to start another fight. So it's like this guy is making some excuse for his behavior (I just say whatever is on my mind) but then he doesn't want to talk about it (i.e. even though he did something that bothered you, like calling you after you had asked him not to), he now has to "move on" and not "dwell on it" because that might upset him to have to explain or think about his bad behavior. I wouldn't give him the time of day. If you hadn't contacted him first, do you think he would have ever contacted you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
In reply to: karenbfree
Fri, 09-18-2009 - 10:23pm

Thanks, that's what I thought ,too VERY WIERD convoluted thought patterns.