I don't know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2009
I don't know what to do.
3
Sat, 09-12-2009 - 3:56pm

Hi,
I posted on the break up board a while ago trying to get over my breakup with my first love and first everything. I'm happy without him now and realize that we were wrong for each other and don't want to be with him anymore.

I just moved for univeristy (I'm 20)and am now starting to look at other guys and it has gotten very confusing, very fast. I'm a pretty serious person. I don't want to date someone without the hope of a strong (lengthy) relationship. That's just not me. Of course I don't meet someone and expect to marry them I just don't want to waste my time falling in love or growing accustomed to someone only to have them walk away. I know I'm still young and there's plenty of time but I still feel this way.

I didn't move here looking for a boyfriend. In fact, I told myself that I wouldn't even try to find one, but wouldn't fight it if a relationship developed. Well now somehow I've found 3 guys that I like and I don't know what to do.

1. The first guy, also 20, I met online. I wasn't seriously looking for a relationship, but right after I broke up with my ex I joined eHarmony just to show myself that there are other guys out there. I didn't pay and didn't expect or want anything to come out of it. But a guy contacted me and we started chatting on msn. We talked all the time and he seemed really great. We agreed to maybe meet after I moved but no guarantees as I was/am apprehensive about meeting someone online.

2. I met a guy on the first day I was here. He is 20, super good looking and we talked for a while. He seemed really interesting and seemed to be interested in me. I haven't seen him too much since then but everytime I do we talk and laugh.

3. I met another guy, the only one I actually went out on a date with, a few days after I moved. This is where the confusion comes in. He is the funniest person I've ever met. I have never "clicked" with anyone as fast as I did with him. The first day we met, we talked for 4 hours and saw each other everyday that week and this week. He is sensitive caring, kind, happy, independent, and pretty cute. Only problem is he's 17 and completely inexperienced. His only relationship was when he was 14/15 and it only lasted a few months. It scares to be the one he starts off with. I like him a lot but I know that getting into a relationship with someone so young who hasn't ever been serious probably wouldn't last and he is a great friend that I don't want to lose. I can tell that he is completely infatuated with me, but I'm scared of being hurt. I don't want to live my life on the sidelines but I don't want to stay with him, potentially fall in love, and get my heart broken again or stay with him and then end up losing an amazing friend.

I am honestly not sure that I should be in any relationship right now, but number 3 already considers us girlfriend/boyfriend and I don't think I can hurt him. I told him I want to move slow though so we won't be progressing at lightning speed and I will have time to realize what I want.

What I need to do though I think is either forget about the others and just stick with number 3 even if hes young...or decide that even though 1 and 2 are nothing for sure I'm willing to take a risk and try and be with one of them.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Oh and please don't think that I'm a real player and am always in situations like this. This is the first time its ever happened to me and I hate it. People I've told are like "Oh you're lucky. You like 3 guys." But I feel the furthest thing from lucky possible. I hate it to be honest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 09-13-2009 - 6:53pm

The thing is that there are no guarantees w/ any relationship that someone won't break your heart. You have to take risks, and things might not work out.

The 17 yr old might not be a long term kind of guy if he is still in high school and you don't know where he is going to college. Also he might not want to be tied down so young. But you never know, weirder things have happened. W/ the internet guy, you haven't even met him, so you don't know how you will feel after you do. If you do decide to meet, just take normal safety precautions like meeting in a public place, don't tell him where you live on campus right away, etc. My cousin, who was 26, met her DH on Eharmony and he is a nice normal guy, so you never know. Not all OLD people are creeps. W/ the 2nd guy, do you have much chance to get to know him? Are you in any classes together, live in the same dorm or otherwise is there potential to get to know him better? If not, he seems like the least likely candidate.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Fri, 09-18-2009 - 10:11am
It's early on with all 3 of these guys so why not date all 3 for a while and see what happens. If something really sparks with one of them then go for it and see what happens. It's really too early to over analyze things with age and all that, you barely know any of these guys. Just meet who you haven't met, date all of them and see if sparks fly with any. If you want a guarantee of not getting hurt then I would suggest not dating at all. That said, of course you can minimize your chances by choosing the most compatible guy, but even then anything can happen, things can still not work out for a hundred reasons.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2009
Sat, 09-19-2009 - 1:22am

i agree with khatru1. that sounds like some great advice.

but i do think that it would be unwise to lead #3 on. it seems like you care about his feelings, and if you believe that he is not what you are looking for right now, its best to end it before he becomes any more enamored and invests any more feelings.

i wish you luck! you seem like a very smart woman, i'm sure you will be able to make the right decision.