bfs and their needy exes
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| Thu, 09-17-2009 - 9:43am |
Hey everyone! Allow me to outline the situation to you.
I’ve been dating a new guy for 9 months now. For several months back in spring, I seriously considered breaking up with this guy over his contact with his ex-girlfriend. This ex-girlfriend, despite having dumped my boyfriend for a new guy, pitched a fit when he and I got together, derided me to her friends and to my boyfriend's face, acted needy around my boyfriend, and became angry when I expressed discomfort about her and my boyfriend hanging out as a direct result of her behavior. At the time, I was hurt and humiliated that my boyfriend didn't stand up for me and continued to "stay friends" with her despite her (to me) obvious jealousy and insecurity.
Since then, my boyfriend has realized that his behavior was wrong. He told me that he had been angry about his ex-girlfriend hooking up with a new guy so soon after dumping him, and wanted to make her feel equally insecure and angry by rubbing a relationship he was happy with in her face. He has also apologized, in droves. Since I believe with all my heart he is genuinely happy with me, I got over it--or so I thought.
Fast forward to the current situation: ex-girlfriend is out of the country, but calls at least once a week, more when she has emotional problems, and when she is emotional and lonely, she asks questions such as, do you ever think about me? From my talks with the boyfriend, I have realized the following: (1) boyfriend usually doesn't pick up, but would if I had no objections, and (2) boyfriend has not given into ex-girlfriend's neediness, but would make the mercenary decision to do so in order to maintain good relations with the rest of his social circle, who is also on close terms with his ex-girlfriend, if I had no objections.
This is an eerie repeat of the spring for me. To his credit, unlike spring, boyfriend has no ego-based desire to maintain contact with ex-girlfriend. Also to his credit, knowing my objections, boyfriend has cut down dramatically with any type of conversation with his ex. However, due to various circumstances (she makes Skype calls from unknown numbers, which his parents also do), he says can't avoid all conversations with her. And in the conversations he can’t avoid, he won’t commit to shutting her neediness down.
I feel this is wishy washy of him. I want him to either commit to avoiding her entirely (even if he never picks up another Skype call) or commit to telling her that her behavior is inappropriate as I have wanted him to do since spring. He wants to avoid fighting with her because he hates fighting, and also to avoid making our relationship look bad in front of his friends. He claims it shouldn't matter if he hangs out with his insecure ex as long as I know that his heart is with me and I trust him to draw the lines. I claim that I have fine reasons (ie all of spring) for not trusting him to draw the lines. He claims I'm being insecure by needing him to act the way I think is right instead of the way he thinks is right.
There are a lot of things about my boyfriend that are sincerely fantastic, but this part of him makes me miserable. In the absence of this, I would easily commit to stay with him for years, because in most regards, we are very, very compatible. However, I am pretty heartbroken that I need to negotiate about the appropriateness of letting ex-girlfriends beg for attention, especially considering the degree of this particular ex-girlfriend's clinginess back in spring. I had always thought that a mature person would avoid that kind of thing like the plague.
Am I being the bullheaded one here, or is he?
*edited for a spelling error - ha, silly me :)
Edited 9/17/2009 9:49 am ET by scalene
Edited 9/17/2009 9:50 am ET by scalene
Edited 9/17/2009 9:50 am ET by scalene

There is actually no reason for your BF to maintain any kind of contact w/ his ex. He could easily stop doing so if he had the nerve to set boundaries. He could just tell her to stop calling him. I'm not familiar w/ Skype, but if she called, he could just say "please don't call me any more." It seems like she is the kind of person who, if he gives her an inch, will take a mile, so he has to totally cut the cord and tell her "no more contact." He doesn't have to fight w/ her--he can just hang up. Esp. since she is calling to talk about her emotional problems--hey, doesn't she have GFs for that kind of stuff? And when she says to BF "don't you think about me?" does he answer "well, actually, no since I am happy w/ X in a relationship." I bet he doesn't, he goes on & on and hems & haws, which gives her the mistaken impression that some day she will be able to break the 2 of you up. The only time he should even be in her presence if it's unavoidable, i.e. if a mutual friend had a party & they both happened to be there, but then he should be there w/ you.
I think you need to read him the riot act--either totally break off all communication w/ her or you will end it.
No offence, even though you want to give your bf credit but I think the main problem here is him and not her. She is needy and