bfs and their needy exes

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2009
bfs and their needy exes
3
Thu, 09-17-2009 - 9:43am

Hey everyone! Allow me to outline the situation to you.

I’ve been dating a new guy for 9 months now. For several months back in spring, I seriously considered breaking up with this guy over his contact with his ex-girlfriend. This ex-girlfriend, despite having dumped my boyfriend for a new guy, pitched a fit when he and I got together, derided me to her friends and to my boyfriend's face, acted needy around my boyfriend, and became angry when I expressed discomfort about her and my boyfriend hanging out as a direct result of her behavior. At the time, I was hurt and humiliated that my boyfriend didn't stand up for me and continued to "stay friends" with her despite her (to me) obvious jealousy and insecurity.

Since then, my boyfriend has realized that his behavior was wrong. He told me that he had been angry about his ex-girlfriend hooking up with a new guy so soon after dumping him, and wanted to make her feel equally insecure and angry by rubbing a relationship he was happy with in her face. He has also apologized, in droves. Since I believe with all my heart he is genuinely happy with me, I got over it--or so I thought.

Fast forward to the current situation: ex-girlfriend is out of the country, but calls at least once a week, more when she has emotional problems, and when she is emotional and lonely, she asks questions such as, do you ever think about me? From my talks with the boyfriend, I have realized the following: (1) boyfriend usually doesn't pick up, but would if I had no objections, and (2) boyfriend has not given into ex-girlfriend's neediness, but would make the mercenary decision to do so in order to maintain good relations with the rest of his social circle, who is also on close terms with his ex-girlfriend, if I had no objections.

This is an eerie repeat of the spring for me. To his credit, unlike spring, boyfriend has no ego-based desire to maintain contact with ex-girlfriend. Also to his credit, knowing my objections, boyfriend has cut down dramatically with any type of conversation with his ex. However, due to various circumstances (she makes Skype calls from unknown numbers, which his parents also do), he says can't avoid all conversations with her. And in the conversations he can’t avoid, he won’t commit to shutting her neediness down.

I feel this is wishy washy of him. I want him to either commit to avoiding her entirely (even if he never picks up another Skype call) or commit to telling her that her behavior is inappropriate as I have wanted him to do since spring. He wants to avoid fighting with her because he hates fighting, and also to avoid making our relationship look bad in front of his friends. He claims it shouldn't matter if he hangs out with his insecure ex as long as I know that his heart is with me and I trust him to draw the lines. I claim that I have fine reasons (ie all of spring) for not trusting him to draw the lines. He claims I'm being insecure by needing him to act the way I think is right instead of the way he thinks is right.

There are a lot of things about my boyfriend that are sincerely fantastic, but this part of him makes me miserable. In the absence of this, I would easily commit to stay with him for years, because in most regards, we are very, very compatible. However, I am pretty heartbroken that I need to negotiate about the appropriateness of letting ex-girlfriends beg for attention, especially considering the degree of this particular ex-girlfriend's clinginess back in spring. I had always thought that a mature person would avoid that kind of thing like the plague.

Am I being the bullheaded one here, or is he?

*edited for a spelling error - ha, silly me :)

Edited 9/17/2009 9:49 am ET by scalene

Edited 9/17/2009 9:50 am ET by scalene




Edited 9/17/2009 9:50 am ET by scalene
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 09-17-2009 - 2:54pm

There is actually no reason for your BF to maintain any kind of contact w/ his ex. He could easily stop doing so if he had the nerve to set boundaries. He could just tell her to stop calling him. I'm not familiar w/ Skype, but if she called, he could just say "please don't call me any more." It seems like she is the kind of person who, if he gives her an inch, will take a mile, so he has to totally cut the cord and tell her "no more contact." He doesn't have to fight w/ her--he can just hang up. Esp. since she is calling to talk about her emotional problems--hey, doesn't she have GFs for that kind of stuff? And when she says to BF "don't you think about me?" does he answer "well, actually, no since I am happy w/ X in a relationship." I bet he doesn't, he goes on & on and hems & haws, which gives her the mistaken impression that some day she will be able to break the 2 of you up. The only time he should even be in her presence if it's unavoidable, i.e. if a mutual friend had a party & they both happened to be there, but then he should be there w/ you.

I think you need to read him the riot act--either totally break off all communication w/ her or you will end it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2008
Mon, 11-16-2009 - 2:42pm
This is like my life in a nut shell as well. My boyfriend has the same contact with ex for the last year and a half. I've met her once. She seemed nice. Then she wanted to move in with my BF bc apparently Edmonton does not have any other housing and she'd be driving 2 hrs to get to school (bull#$%^) I've went apartment shopping all over Edmonton for myself and there's tons of housing. Then when I showed concern for him considering having his ex move in with him she flipped. She began manipulating our relationship telling my boyfriend things like "She doesn't trust you at all or Your girlfriend shouldn't make decisions for you". Ever since then she has also continuously tried to keep in contact with him. She always invites him to do stuff with her, says she;s going to pop in on him etc. He turns her down every single time. He never calls her. He even deleted her off facebook and MSN (at my request) and she STILL tries to be a pain in my side. 3 months ago I gave him the ultimatum. Never talk or see her again or we're finished....and we have an amazing relationship so he knew he better ditch her. BAM 3 months later (which is now) shes texting him again claiming she might be very ill but isn't sure yet.....WHY does she need to contact him for sympathy!! She has family, and friends all around her and she hasn't even seen my boyfriend in over a year!! He melted at this and felt sorry for her. I freaked out on him for texting her back and now he knows im seriously pissed. If he makes one more form of contact with her we're done.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2009
Mon, 11-16-2009 - 8:33pm

No offence, even though you want to give your bf credit but I think the main problem here is him and not her. She is needy and