What do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2009
What do I do?
5
Sun, 09-27-2009 - 10:35pm
This a long one. I am talking to a coworker and have worked with him for about a year. He first tried talking to me while he still lived with his ex-girlfriend. During that time we hung out a lot and he was constantly texting me and calling me, telling me he missed me and how much he liked me. Their lease was up and he was able to move out and got a place with a couple roommates. We have been talking for about 6 months now. He was so nice and responsive in the beginning and I was unsure because of his situation with his ex. I began to like him a lot and still do, very much. He gives me the worst mixed signals. He wrote me the most beautiful letter a few months ago. He went from being overly nice and wonderful to stand-offish. He tells me he just wants to "talk". That he isn't ready for a relationship and he doesn't want to get hurt. I have told him that I like him and want to be with him, not to just talk. He has asked me to be patient with him, which I have for the entire 6 months. He tells me he isn't seeing anyone else or talking to anyone else. He says, you don't even know how much I care about you and like you. However, he often lacks showing me that. I have been out of town for some training for the last 2 months but go back every weekend and see him. There have been some weekends where we didn't see each other because I get frustrated that he won't actually be with me. I do not want to talk. We are going to his friends wedding in two weeks, and it is an 8 hour drive. Of course, I am sure he won't introduce me as his girlfriend b/c we are just "talking". What I am suppose to think about this? I like him so much. Each time I think I am done with him and am just going to stop talking to him he tells me how he wants to be with me and yada yada ya. I just don't know what to do. We have spent so much time together and I just want to know what I should do. He gets mad or frustrated that I bring it up all the time, but I don't know where I stand. Someone please give me some advice. I don't know if he isn't over his ex or if I am just something to help pass the time or what. Should I call if off with him completely? HELP!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: marcie0216
Mon, 09-28-2009 - 10:55am
This is kind of confusing to me. When you first said you were just "talking" to me, I thought that you only talked on the phone or emailed and you never saw each other in person. But then you apparently are dating him on weekends or at least seeing him in person and are going to a wedding together, so how is that just talking? You are actually together, but it seems like he doesn't want to commit to you. And you have been doing it for 6 months? Frankly I would drop him. After 6 mos. of whatever it is you are doing, he should be making some move to at least call you his girlfriend. I don't know what more you want out of the relationship than that. Also, I wonder, are you sleeping w/ him? If so, and he still denies that there is a relationship, then I think he's using you for sex and when he's ready for a relationship, it will probably be w/ someone else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2009
In reply to: marcie0216
Mon, 09-28-2009 - 11:19am

Talking as in seeing each but yeah, no commitment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: marcie0216
Mon, 09-28-2009 - 11:43am
I think that you have to think about exactly what you want from this relationship that you aren't getting--do you want him to call you his girlfriend, do you want to see him a certain amount of times, do you want some kind of commitment from him? When you figure that out, then you can tell him that's what you want and if he doesn't want the same things, it's ok, but that you won't be able to see him any more. If you say this and break up w/ him, but then you keep taking him back and things don't change, you allow him to get away w/ this behavior. Sometimes it's unfortunate that we can't be w/ people that we really like because they just aren't in the right place. I remember feeling hurt when a guy broke up w/ me because I had little kids at that time, his kids were grown and he just didn't want to go through all that again. We didn't see each other that much, but we would email every day. Now that I can look back on it, I see that he was right because now I would be in the same place that he was in then.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
In reply to: marcie0216
Mon, 09-28-2009 - 11:44am

I like him so much. Each time I think I am done with him and am just going to stop talking to him he tells me how he wants to be with me and yada yada ya. I just don't know what to do. We have spent so much time together and I just want to know what I should do.


I want to be polite and supportive here; that's my job. But you've got to understand that I'm holding myself back, that I'm really jumping up and down, yelling "It's the actions, girl, not the talk. TalkTalkTalkTalkTalkTalkTalkTalkTalkTalkTalkTalkTalkTalkTalkTalkTalkTalkTalkTalkTalkTalkTalkTalkTalkTalkTalk


...and really, if you look at the end of that line, what do you have? Nottin'.


Perhaps you could take a look at the "Cross your Fingers" posts and a few more that discuss the topic of not getting so attached to someone who's basically not there for you. Someone you are clearly filling in all the gaps for.


Step back. Get busy, really busy, genuinely busy. Let the guy man up.


And if he doesn't, let him go.


And then you can invoke the ole classic: HJNTIY and wipe your hands on your jeans. The modern day equivalent to washing that man right outta yer hair.




iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2009
In reply to: marcie0216
Mon, 09-28-2009 - 8:05pm
Thank you so much for all your advice. I called him tonight and told him that I am not going to the wedding with him. Hopefully I can stay strong and not give in when he tries talking to me and asking me to go do something. I am constantly making excuses for him and I won't do that any longer. The fact is HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO ME and I have to face it, no matter how much it hurts.