Should I follow up w/ an email?
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 10-01-2009 - 2:41pm |
OK, I don't know why I can instantly see what everybody else should do, but when it comes to me, I'm dense. Maybe it's because I just got out of being w/ 2nd DH for 8 yrs and then haven't had a date in a year after that, so I'm def. out of practice.
I went to dinner w/ a guy last night. I don't know if it was really a date or just friends. My 14 yr old Ds, the expert on dating, (hA) says it wasn't a date since we didn't kiss, just hugged, however when we were saying goodbye my car was parked on the main street of the shopping area in the light, so not exactly good for making out.
This is a guy I first met about 10 yrs ago and did go on a couple of dates w/ then, I think things fizzled out because he was always working and then I probably met 2nd DH right after. So I wouldn't mind if it was just a friendship. He's a good Mr. Right Now--fun, enjoyable company, we get along easily. He did make some mentions about getting together again. I would like to do that but I don't want to pressure him. It really took almost a month to get together this time.
I was just thinking about sending him a basic email, "thanks for dinner." I don't even know whether to add something about "hope we can do it again." or should I just leave it at thanks or not even email.

Pages
Hmm, well, did he invite you to dinner (did he pay, LOL)? If he did, that seems like more of a date to me (regardless of whether you kissed!)
Generally, I just very graciously thank the guy that night and leave it at that. But, in this situation, I think it would be OK to send an email, especially if you feel like this is just friends. I know a lot of women on these boards regularly send "thank you" emails to guys after a date, but I feel like it can make you look a little over-eager.
Good luck, I hope things work out!
I was a big believer in the thank you email until I stopped doing them. It was only because it finally dawned on me that if he wants to see you again, he will get in touch, e-mail or no e-mail. It may take a couple of days, but if it's going to happen, it will.
I was so dense after divorce, I had no idea what "dating" was because any guy I went out with was instant coupledom...no dating involved, it was just assumed we were a couple until we weren't. So when I got to 'dating', like NORMAL people do it, I was surprised that people had different expectations, hence my denseness!
Unless you forgot your manners while you were out with him and didn't say thank you then (and it can happen, esp if you're nervous), I would not send a thank you email.
If you did say thanks while you were out with him, then there's no need to say it again!
Sheri
That's funny. This is my 2nd div, and I would say that my expectations and wants now are really diff than after the 1st div. After the 1st one, I was feeling jealous and unwanted, esp. after my ex moved in w/ his GF (now wife) so it really was important to me to get a BF, which resulted in the very unsuitable 2nd DH. Now I know I will be ok w/ or w/o a guy and I'm more concentrated on meeting new friends. I don't even want a serious relationship right now cause I don't have time, so I def. won't be one of those girls who is demanding to be called every day or something like that. I would like him to call, will be kind of disappointed if he doesn't, but I'll go on w/ my life.
I did notice something, though, which ties into what you said. If a guy wants to pursue you, he will. If you look at my response to the OP, yes I did make the 1st suggestion of getting together, but I let him take it from there. If he made a plan that said we would meet in a week, I didn't call or email him at all during the week, then when he mentioned where he was working, I didn't say "oh, that's great, we can meet near work" which I thought might be pushy since I didn't even know what hours he was working. So I do think that when women back off and don't show that much interest, the guys do the work. Where women are pushy & clingy, that does seem to turn guys off.
I am sure he thinks it was a date.
OK, it's nice to get a guy's opinion. I have to confess that I did send him a brief email saying thank you and mentioning one other thing we talked about, but not saying let's go out again or anything. And he responded that it was his pleasure and that he still owes me lunch. Since that is about the 3rd time he said that, he does seem somewhat interested. So now I'll wait & see.
Ok, here's another question for you, from the male POV--it does seem that when women back off and don't do much, that's when the guy pursues. I do believe the concept of the book He's just not that into you, where it says that if a guy really likes a girl, he will really make an effort to get her to go out, so women should let the guys do the chasing, at least in the beginning. I mean, I'm sure after I was dating 2nd DH for a while, we weren't thinking about who was calling who, because it was very clear that we were a couple. But even in that situation, since I actually didn't really want to date him when I first met him (we belonged to the same club so we would see each other at events) I was uninterested, so he was really pursuing. What do you think of this?
I am glad you emailed and he responded.
It would make things a lot easier if everyone could just be honest w/ each other & not have to play games, wouldn't it? For women, I guess it's the subtle diff. between giving the sign that I am interested and seeming too interested, desperate & clingy. I have never believed in playing "hard to get" just for the sake of doing that when I was actually interested in someone, cause I would be afraid that he would believe I wasn't interested at all and then say "well, forget it." I try to just be myself & hope it works out. And as my 2nd exH used to say "men don't really get subtlety--you have to spell it out for them?"
Remember when the book The Rules was popular a few years ago? Well, I never read the whole thing because again, I don't like game playing. But I remember that they had one rule about how if a guy didn't ask you out by Wed for Sat, you had to say no even if you had no plans. Now to me, that is dumb--so then you will be sitting home alone not having any fun, when you could be on a date, just for the principle? But what I do agree w/ is not sitting by the phone waiting for someone to call or turning down plans w/ friends--you have to go on living your own life, so then if he calls too late, you might have actual plans so next time, he'll call earlier but it won't be some fake game that you're playing.
Really, now that I'm thinking about it, there should be this service where woman can email men & vice versa to find out "what does this mean when a guy does this?"
I agree with you about that Wednesday/Saturday rule in The Rules. I think it's dumb, too.
What I did wrong with my only sort-of post-divorce BF is that I let him wait until Friday to make a plan for Friday. I didn't make any plans with anyone to 'save' my time for him. What stunk about that is then I had to scramble to make sure my kids were set up for the evening (they're teens, but still, you gotta know what they are doing), get myself ready last minute, etc., etc. So I always felt under the gun, but I was so desperate to have someone that I put up with it.
The one I am currently seeing usually 'reserves' me several days in advance, even if there is no plan at that point. He is raising his kids, and understands my time is precious, too.
At this point, I make whatever plans I want. If I made a plan for Saturday with a girlfriend, and the man calls for Saturday, I say 'sorry' how about Sunday? What I learned after post-divorce guy is that my time is important, too. But I think it's stupid to PRETEND I have something going on when I don't, just to make a point.
If you can develop the 'Man Translator' I would be happy to invest.
Pages