Why hasn't dating become equal?
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 10-07-2009 - 12:54pm |
I wonder why it is in the 21st cen. where we have been working for equal rights for women at least since the 1960's where things haven't changed that much in the dating world. I think that maybe for people in their 20's & under, it does seem to be more equal as far as who is doing the calling--I know that my 14 yr old DS gets called by girls all the time. But for us oldsters, I feel like I'm still in high school.
Why is it that I'm still waiting by the phone (figuratively) hoping that the guy I went out w/ last week is going to call me again or email me? I feel like if I make any contact w/ him it's going to scare him off, even something that has nothing to do w/ dating, like "i bought a new car today." or "thanks for sending me your friend John's divorce case. We finished this week and I think it went well." Well, the 2nd one I probably wouldn't send because I don't want to violate any atty-client confidentiality. I figure maybe his friend will tell him I did such a great job and he will contact me. But here's a guy who mentioned several times that he was going to take me out to lunch and I'm wondering if & when. I know it's only been a week and we're not really strictly dating, but I for one would like to find out if actual dating is a possibility or if it's just going to be more of a casual friendship. I guess the only way I'll really know is by seeing how long it takes him to contact me, but it's very frustrating.
The thing is that I know from experience to hold back. When I first met my 2nd DH, I actually wasn't interested, so I didn't give him any encouragement. I wasn't playing hard to get, it was sincere. And the more I made it hard for him (like only giving him my work no & not telling him where I lived) the more he pursued, so I know it does work, provided of course that the guy is interested.
I guess it's just frustrating to me that we have made a lot of progress as women in the work place and even socially as far as the fact that most men expect to contribute to raising the children and doing things around the house, but when it comes to dating, why are we still in the dark ages? I mean, why can't a woman ask out a man, if she's interested?

Pages
Why? I'm thinking it's the testosterone thing and the testosterone thing don't change no how, no matter what age we're in. Biology, a simple answer and yes, maybe it's simple-minded as well.
Chasing would probably work if the guy were also interested. And then you walk that careful line if you're interested but don't want to chase so he knows you're interested but thinks that maybe you're a tiny bit hard to get, 'cause hard to get is good and easy to be had ain't where it's at.
Whew. Beginnings are a game. They're tenuous and can dissolve over the smallest thing.
It has nothing to do with Equality. But everything to do with compatibility.
If you want to ask a guy out, go ahead. Some will like it, some won't. Some women want to be chased, some do not.
Not every guy will respond to you. Just like they have to ask out a lot of girls, to find the right one to respond, also.
I like to chase. I don't want to sit around & play it coy. It's just not me. So plenty of relationships didn't get off the ground, because we weren't compatible for that reason or some other reason. But I pursued the dude I'm with & he liked it too.
We have similar outlooks, values, goals. Our personalities balance each other.
Some women are put off by a guy that doesn't ask her out. That doesn't do anything for me. It doesn't give me any more or less incentive to date a guy, just because he was a pursuer.
You can't "scare" a guy off by calling. If it seems that way, he just wasn't interested to begin with.
~~~
How did your 2nd husband, become a husband if you didn't like him? Are you divorced now? (or was it something else)
If you know what you value, what you want, you'll be able to find it in another. It's better than trying to make it work with whoever falls into your lap. Just because you're following some "rules" that don't actually apply to how your run your own life.
According to the "rules" I've broken every single one, & couldn't be happier. It frustrated me at first, like what was I doing wrong. Was my relationship destined to fail, because it didn't start like it "should." But if I can reject other people's opinions on other things, why should I let "them" tell me how to handle my dating. You know.
Good luck!
I think you make some valid points--if a guy is really into you, he should be thrilled by the attention & I doubt he'd reject a woman just cause she called him.
W/ my 2nd DH, I met him in a group called Parents w/o Partners. This was when I first started dating after my 1st divorce (3 yrs w/ no dates) so it was nice to have the attention of more than one guy. I didn't like him at first because of his looks, or should I say I wasn't attracted to him--he was more long hair, earrings, tattoos, not the clean cut type of guy I was used to. But after being together at some events and talking, I figured I would at least give him a chance, then we started dating & 3 yrs later we were married. The reasons we were divorced were more to do w/ trying to blend 2 families where we both had kids and not really agreeing on how to do that and also, he had bipolar disorder, which I didn't know before we got married. So very hot tempered and a lot of stress, which wasn't good for my kids. Ironically now that we are divorced, we get along fine (since we don't have to live together). I went to a party for one of his friends on Labor Day weekend and although I have no romantic feelings for him, we could get along.
When we started actually dating, we were more or less in daily contact w/ at least email, IMing, etc. It was pretty hot & heavy from the get-go, so there was really never an issue w/ who was calling who. I'm glad I didn't have to play by any "rules" w/ him. It just amazes me that in this day that many women feel that they can't call up a guy--I mean am I back in high school in the 70's? But it also seems that guys like the chase too, so I don't really know. I do feel that there is a diff. between constantly stalking someone & being really clingy and having a normal amount of communication back & forth. I feel that if it's not stalking, then it shouldn't matter who is calling who, but I have read messages from some women who are actually in a rel. for months & still won't call their BF. I think that's kind of ridiculous.
W/ my 2nd DH, I wasn't attracted to him at first because he was diff. from the guys I usually dated--he had longer hair, earrings & tattoos & he rode a motorcycle. By being together on some occasions when we both belonged to Parents w/o Partners, I got to know him. He was persistent and eventually I decided to give him a chance and go out w/ him alone and then we hit it off. Unfortunately we got divorced after 5 yrs of marriage & 3 yrs of dating before that. We both had kids from the 1st marriage and it was really hard to blend the families plus he had bipolar disorder. It just wasn't working out. But w/ him, since we both knew we liked each other right away, I never thought about who was calling, etc. We just got into this situation where we would either talk on the phone, email or IM every night. And since I had to work dating around my schedule of when I didn't have my kids, it had to be on those free nights too.
I do agree that if a guy likes you, he won't be put off by a phone call. I was pretty much doing my feminist thing when I was dating before and not worrying about that stuff as if I was back in high school in the 70's when girls wouldn't dare to call a boy. But now I am reading on these boards how even women who have been dating a guy for months are afraid to call him. Or how women won't pursue a guy on OLD and will wait to have a guy call her. When I did OLD 10 yrs ago, I figured I would be better off by me reading the ads carefully and choosing someone who I thought I would have something in common with, rather than just being passive about it. I don't want to be a crazy stalker or someone who is very clingy because I do have my own life, but I would like to feel free to email a guy, not even to suggest a date, but just to say hi or tell him something.
Maybe I am confused about this one guy I am thinking about because I have no idea what is in his head. When people are doing OLD, at least they both know they are looking for a dating relationship. Now this is how I met this guy 10 yrs ago, but when we started talking again this year, first we were just doing business together, then I casually said "drop by for lunch if you're in town," thinking that we'd just have a friendly lunch and I'd pay for myself. Then it ended up being dinner because it was more convenient to get together then and he paid, so it was more like a date. But since we didn't start off in the traditional way of him asking for a date (or even me really asking for a date) I guess I'm totally confused now about what is going on. So now I sit & wait...
Music,
I think it's hard to let go of the way you did things years ago.
My ex is bipolar, too, so I feel your pain. I'm currently dating someone whose ex is bipolar, too. He hit the nail on the head when he said (in reference to being married to a bipolar person)"I knew marriage was hard, but I didn't think it was supposed to be THIS hard".
I know what you mean about the inequality of dating in 2009. I don't understand these games, I don't understand why we treat each other so poorly in the search for a partner.
I just read a book "What French Women Know". It's not specifically about dating, but it said in Europe there is not so much open dating. You meet someone, you go out and you are exclusive until someone decides to break up. Apparently if a French woman went out with a guy on Friday and discovered he had a date with someone else on Saturday, she wouldn't go out with him again...she would be insulted that she was just another cog in the wheel, so to speak.
I've been dating someone now for coming up on almost two months (wow), and I still sort of feel like I am playing a game in terms of making myself sort of scarce, not seeing him as much as I would like, not calling because I don't want to scare him off. I don't worry that he won't call, he is in almost daily contact with me in some form. But I still don't initiate all that much. Like you, something neutral, like "What did you think of Obama getting the Nobel Peace Prize?" Then let him take it from there.
I agree it's stupid. But I am not sure what, in some guys minds, constitutes clingy. The first few guys I dated (more than once) after divorce treated me like I was clingy. I honestly don't know if it was me or them. So now I am erring on the side of backing off. And it appears to work in this situation. For goodness sake, I'm 45 years old!
On a side note, I read the book by the Millionaire Matchmaker, Patty Stranger (sp). She suggested for women in their 40's to look to OLDER guys (mid-50's and up). Her contention was that they play fewer games, usually more financially stable, they know what to do in bed, and since they are older, most are not interested in bedding every 19 year old who comes down the bend (though they may think about it).
I spent most of the last year focusing on 42-47 age range. No luck at all, lots and lots of game playing. Not to say they all do, but in my case, it was like I was dealing with way too many mid-life crises.
This new guy "Mike Brady" is 55. Way older than I was looking for (10 years younger than my mother, so you can understand the awkwardness...) but all the things the Millionaire Matchmaker said are true in this case. He's a little more traditional, which may explain why we have fallen into the 'he pursues' mode.
My 17 year old DS is more open with girls than I ever was with boys at that age. But I think that is their age...when they go to look for a partner or a real BF/GF they slip back into traditional roles.
Pages