My rant

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
My rant
10
Fri, 10-09-2009 - 11:13pm

OK - so for the last three years I have thrown myself into the dating pool after being married for 14 years...and met Mister Emotionally unavailable - and threw him back in - and back out again I go...only to be met with frustration.

Men - in particular - married men. So one guy sends me his number via e-mail "call if you wanna do lunch" - I ignore, thinking he can find a way to call me if he is interested. Then I do a little research and find out he is married. Anger number one - and then a friend for many years e-mails me and tries to con me into my cell number. He is married and I think it is inappropriate to let him have it - as he is complimentive of me (in what I believed was a friendly way). When I mentioned it to a mutual friend as a joke - I found out he had been serious and was mad at me for breaking an alleged "confidence." Are you kidding me? And then proceeded to send me "guilt e-mails" to which I promptly deleted and didn't respond.

OK - so it seems at my age of 39 - the guys that are available are Emotionally Unavailable in every sense of the word including married. I am so discouraged right now - I am taking a break from men. I am tired of trying to be nice to people only to have it backfire in my face. I am working on resigning myself to the fact that I will move to Miami and live like a character from The Golden Girls.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: gettinsilly
Sat, 10-10-2009 - 5:48pm
I have this friend who somehow is constantly getting hit on by married men. She even went to a therapist to find out if somehow she is giving off some kind of signal. I think she's just a friendly person and they take it the wrong way. She did get one guy in particular who had been a family friend (their kids were friends too) and after she got divorced, he told her he loved her--this was 9 yrs ago, which I remember because it was when I was getting married the 2nd time. He was always ranting about what a witch his wife was and my friend actually expected that he would leave his DW at some point for her--same old story. Well, he's still w/ his DW & my friend is still not dating anyone. So it's definitely a waste of anyone's time to go in that direction. Luckily I haven't had the married man problem, just the emotionally unavailable one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
In reply to: gettinsilly
Sat, 10-10-2009 - 7:09pm

You know, I got to thinking about it, and even when I was married - married men hit on me. I am nice to all people - which I couldn't see myself as being any different - guys who are married are flattered by my niceness taking it as some kind of attraction. I think you could ask them "What time is it?" and they will think "She wants me!"

And in my disappointment, it seems the normal, single guys are not around - and if they are - they are too chicken to say anything. I am so tired of walking around with a pleasant look on my face trying to attract someone - cuz the bait I seem to be throwing out attracts nothing but rotten carps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
In reply to: gettinsilly
Mon, 10-12-2009 - 7:27am
Normal, single guys.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
In reply to: gettinsilly
Mon, 10-12-2009 - 9:58am

It's a problem with OLD, too. Lots of guys out there playing around, pretending to be divorced or separated. Happened to me over the summer. Good first date, lots of good emails. Then I googled him and found out he was married...or at least all the stuff talked about him and his wife (he's a well known business man in his town, which is about an hour from me, so I wouldn't have known his name). HE claimed he was recently separated, but was cagey about how long.

Threw that one back.

Other signs an OLD guy might be married: emails a lot, never calls or calls at weird times, can only meet at weird times, won't give any details about his 'divorce'.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
In reply to: gettinsilly
Mon, 10-12-2009 - 10:57am

Here is one guy's point of view on this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: gettinsilly
Mon, 10-12-2009 - 12:16pm

Well, you are a nice guy & not married, so I guess there are execptions, right? This reminds me of talking to my best friend's brother at a party. She is div & she asked him why he couldn't find a guy for her to date among his acquaintances. His response was "El, there is a reason these guys are divorced."

I do think there are certain women who are still attracted to the "bad boys" for the excitement of it all. Personally I am very tired of that and I want a nice guy, someone who is a gentleman and treats me right (and he'll get all the sex he wants).

I have never had a married man (at least that I know of) try to go out w/ me, but really, what are they thinking? That women will never find out, or that they will be ok w/ it? I don't want to waste my time w/ someone who is unavailable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
In reply to: gettinsilly
Tue, 10-13-2009 - 4:27pm
I wish I could say that you are wrong and have a really great argument with you, but you aren't. I have a thing for sarcastic guys - and I am trying to stop going after emotionally unavailable, and date the nice ones. If I knew what that was about, I would let you know. And yes - the good ones are married, and I am not talking about the married ones who cheat, but just the nice ones. But - I would also like to point out it is still hard to find a nice, available, single man the older you get. And even though younger ones are cute to look at, they are not who I want to spend my time with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
In reply to: gettinsilly
Tue, 10-13-2009 - 6:16pm

I suspect that the reason that the "less gentlemanly" men are so visible to women is that they hit on 50 women a week and do not really care who's feeleings get hurt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
In reply to: gettinsilly
Tue, 10-13-2009 - 7:21pm

I totally agree. And now I don't trust men, and am trying to slow down and "re-group." I want to trust my feelings more - and notice red flags...and right now I am okay with being single. It would be nice to find someone to share my time with, but not with the risk of getting tangled into the web of emotionally unavailable (and this includes the married ones) men.

In the whole "getting burned" scenarios, I have become the person I have been trying to avoid: EU. And that in itself is hard to back off from. Do I take my wall down and get burned yet again - or do I keep it up? Right now, I keep it up - just until I am healed up from the last flame.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: gettinsilly
Mon, 10-19-2009 - 3:13pm
I think you will know when you are emotionally ready to meet someone and by that time, you won't need to have your guard up all the time. You will be able to distinguish between nice guys & losers. Despite the fact that I have been through 2 divorces, I still don't think all men are jerks, but I really haven't joined the dating scene yet, not for lack of wanting to. Maybe if I start the online dating and go through all the rejection & "ghosting" and other scenarios, then I'll become more cynical. That's why I think you can only do that for so long, then you need to take a break.