How do I trust him again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
How do I trust him again?
2
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 5:10am
I just recently found out that my boyfriend of three years cheated on me a year ago with a "so called friend" (I never trusted her, now I know why...). When he did it we where at the worst part of our relationship and at the time we where thinking about ending it, but we didn't. I love him and he loves me, and we are both willing to try to make it work, I just don't know how. When I found out I told him to choose her "friendship" or me. He chose me... I trust him in everyother aspect, except for women, I get paranoid when he is somewhere where I know other women are, is this normal? What steps can we take to get on the right track to get over this??? Help!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 9:54am
You trust him in every other aspect except women? Sadly, what I think you're missing is that if you don't trust him with other women, then you a) don't trust him to care about your feelings b) don't trust him to care about your health c) don't trust him to be a big boy and not grab the first pretty object he sees d) don't trust him, period. end of sentence. And as their are women everywhere, if you can't trust him around women, you won't be able to trust him at all. And you can't lock him up in your room.

I'm not saying you don't love the boy or that he doesn't love you. After all the situation you mentioned took place over a year ago. But the fact remains that you haven't recovered from it. He has. But then he isn't the one who has to worry about trusting you. You say you went through a rough patch and you survived it. Well, you've hit another. And all the love and affection and sweet words in the world aren't going to restore your faith in him. This is something that only time can solve. The question is how long are you willing to wait it out before you feel he isn't jumping into bed with "girl who isn't you?"

There are a few things to consider while deciding whether or not you should really stay together. #1) Love. Love is NOT about being afraid to be alone. You should never LOVE someone because you need someone there. You should love someone because you need that person. Love is also about caring for your partner. This includes emotionally, spiritually, physically, and sexually. When someone cheats, the fact is that they may have loved you once and they may think they love you now... but if that were true, that person would know cheating takes away pretty much every aspect that love provides. Now, even after all this, you think I LOVE HIM, HE LOVES ME... SHUT THE *#$! UP! There's something else...

#2) Very simple question. How long do you think your boyfriend will be able to put up with the fact that you are paranoid about him hanging out with women? Despite your right to be upset and anxious whenever he's surrounded by a group of fillies, the fact remains that if this continues, there will come a time when your boyfriend WILL get annoyed with this part of your personality.

#3) Yes, people cheat and stay together. And some live long and peaceful lives. They have either a) taken a lot of drugs b) taken a lot of therapy c) are delusional. The fact remains that even if the "cheater" does still in fact love the "cheated on" something was/is going on in that relationship where the other person is seeking something that they're not getting. And if he wasn't capable of telling you he was missing something the first time, what is to prevent him from telling you should it happen again.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2004
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 10:19am
Well, for what's it's worth, after such a betrayal, it sometimes takes months, even years of counseling to get a marriage back on track. Can you give that to this relationship? Can he? Is the relationship really right for you if it leaves you feeling insecure and exhausted? Should the "right fit" leave you in emotional upheaval? Not trying to tell you what to do, just giving you some things to think about. Good luck, and I hope things work out the way you want them to.