Stuck in the middle

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Stuck in the middle
3
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 9:39am
HI,

I posted the following in another message board and got no help. Is a bit long but i would appreciate any feedback, thanks in advance.

I went on a trip with some friends about six months ago. In this trip i got closer to one of my good friends which i will call Max. There is a past between Max and I and what i mean by that is that I dated his sisters boyfriend when they split up a while back (they are back together now). After the trip Max and I went out a couple of times to the movies outside of the group scenerio that we were used to be on. We confessed our feelings to eachother and got to the conclusion that nothing really could happen and that if it were ever to work we had to give it enough time for that family problem to blow over. I was trying to move on and i met someone at school that same semester, i really didn't want anything serious since i still had feelings for Max. This guy which i'll call John seemed fun and interesting so within a month or so we were going out and spending a lot of time together. I was doing better(not thinking too much about Max), but he started calling again and wanting to go out, to which i did not say no. According to him he just want to to proof to himself that we could remain friends and we did, nothing happened between us. I continued seeing John and things between Max and i were not so ackward so when my friend decided to take another trip I said alright and went. Max and I were together for the first time that night and i was left very confused the next morning. He wanted to talk about it I didn't I kept on avoiding the talk until i got home. Max called the next day and we talked about what had happened and again agreed that it was a mistake that nothing could happen between us. I continued with John though i was left very confused and did not want to be left alone with Max. One night a group of friends went out to the movies and Max came along. During the movie he began caressing me and i returned his affections, after that day we started seeing eachother more often and until last week we were in a secret relationship. This pasr december i decided that i couldn't continue seeing two guys and that i had to make a decision, i picked Max. I wanted John to stay a friend since i still cared very much about him and he was so great he accepted it. I started to miss John and so i accepted a date with him and realized that i still had feelings for him and that if i were to pick him things would be a lot easier. I went back with John not too long ago and just last weekend i spoke with Max to break up. He didn't want to break up he wanted to give it time but i told him that i was not used to having a relationship like the one we were having, since Max and i always had to hide to spend time together and could had show eachother affection in public afraid someone might see us. He understood though was not happy about it. I miss him a lot though and since we broke up we have seen eachother and been intimate, to which he thought we would get back together. What do i do? Who do i keep? I want Max but things are too complicated and I care about John and don't want to hurt him any longer. I would appreciate any advise.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 1:38pm
You're not going to like this, but you need to end it with both of them and spend some time by yourself so that you *can* figure out what you want. And I don't mean just a week. Take at least a month with NO CONTACT from either one to figure all this out. I am confused about why your relationship with Max had to be kept a secret. In my opinion, there is absolutely no reason for any relationship to be kept secret. (Unless it's an affair which I don't consider a relationship anyways.) And you should really question that because normally people do not want to hide their relationships. Both of these men should understand your need for space and time to think. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2004
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 2:14pm
I agree. I don't think you are being fair to either one and also to yourself. How would you like it if a guy you were seeing kept putting you on hold while he danced back and forth between you and another woman? It sounds like you are getting uncomfortable with the fact that you have 2 guys so I would take a break and re-think it all. Also, I have to ask myself, why would either of these guys want to settle for a part-time relationship with you? Are they really happy about it, do they know all the facts about each other? If I were you I would stop seeing both at this time because I would'nt want to cause hurt feelings or be dishonest to either one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 3:16pm
I would say stop seeing them both and do some soul searching. You are being very cruel to John -- deceiving him and betraying him behind his back. If you can do that to such a "nice guy" (or to anyone) you need to look inside yourself to see why you are so selfish. Although you will probably deny it and say you care about them both, your choices and behaviors are based on what you want to do at any given moment, despite the hurt it will cause others. That is very UNcaring, selfish behavior. It's also a sign that you are not emotionally healthy enough to be in a healthy relationship with anyone, so if I were you I'd forget about bfs right now, and concentrate on getting myself healthy.