I'm the other woman

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
I'm the other woman
3
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 4:49pm
I've been the other woman in a relationship for a year now. I knew from the beginning this man was married, but had been seperated for almost 2 years at the time we met. For the past 4 or 5 months he has been going to counseling alone and (marriage counseling) with his wife. I know he hasn't said anything to the counselor about me, as she explained to him at the beginning that she wouldn't work with him and his wife if he was seeing anyone else. So in other words, he is lying to everyone that he is having an affair. He has told me that somewhere in all of this that he has fallen in love with me, but in the same breath says he doesn't know if he loves me or is able to love anyone. He decided (this is about the 5th time) that we shouldn't see each other while he is doing the counseling thing. He said it makes it harder when we see each other! He says he doesn't know if he still loves his wife, but is afraid of change, that he feels he has been married for so long, that maybe he's better off living the life he is now instead of having nothing, he's afraid if he divorces her she will get everything and he will lose all he has. He tells me the material things mean nothing to him and neither does the money, so why is he so afraid? He holds a position with the city we live in and will have quite a large pension when he retires. I could care less about his money, I am very self sufficient and have always taken care of myself. I don't need a man to support me. He said in 10 years he will be 70, how will I feel about him then (I am 51). I explained to him that life holds no guarantees, that I can't tell him I would love him any less. He has been my best friend, the person that I am able to share everything with as well as my lover. I love him from the bottom of my heart, the age means nothing to me. He keeps telling me that he is afraid of losing me (as I feel the same way). I don't know what I should do, please give me some honest advice!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 5:01pm
Break up with him today so you can look in the mirror and like what you see and so you have a chance of meeting someone who has true values and integrity - the longer you stay with him the greater risk of a gentleman in the future feeling badly about your character based on your past.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 5:01pm

Honest advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 5:01pm
I was the wife in this scenario...while we were going to marriage counseling, he kept the affair going...lying to everyone involved. Both of us were in pain and him? I think that part of the being torn thing is all about enjoying the drama.

Fast forward to now, the marriage didn't endure the lying and he didn't stay with her. He always knew that she meant little to him in the scheme of things and that he could never envision himself at her family's house for the holidays or having her bringing up our kids.

This man is not your friend. This man is not looking out for you, and your best interests. How many of your friends tell you that this is a good situation for you? None, right? Be more proactive in your life and pull yourself out of this scenario. You deserve to be center stage in your partner's life. From the very beginning of this relationship, you've been the secret, the side dish. Why have you settled for being second best...why don't you feel that you deserve to have it all? Where is your self esteem?? He'll play with you for as long as you let him.