Bring the advice ladies and fellas.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2004
Bring the advice ladies and fellas.....
11
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 8:12pm
I told you all before about a guy I knew since highschool who said he wanted to be with me...we have been dating off and on since November 2003...Anyway I told you how our last date went really well and he said he didn't want me to leave, to be his girlfriend, my Valentines plans and then all of a sudden he stopped calling me. Then, mistake, I called him a couple times and he said he would call me right back and never did...

Well, update...he left me a message a few days ago and told me that although it has been a while since we talked, I have been on his mind and to call him when I could...

Just want some feedback. It's been 3 days and I haven't returned his call. How should I handle this?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 8:53pm
Girl, have you not been listening to us? Don't call him. He seems like he's tied up in other things and not putting you as any sort of priority--do you really want to be put in that position? He didn't call you for weeks, so why call him back?

Let him go... there's so many flags here it isn't funny.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2004
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 9:36pm
Your right..but I don't want to appear mad at him because i'm not. We are not "together" or officially boyfriend and girlfriend so I can't expect him to give me 100% of his time. But I don't know, we can just be friends and leave it at that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 6:58am
See the thing to me is if you just wanted to be friends, you wouldn't care about him calling or not... I think you like him and want more and I'm just worried you're going to get sucked into something that's not so good for you. Even as a friend, this guy isn't all that great. Friends don't leave each other hanging for weeks, you know what I mean?

I would just be very careful pursuing anything with him. He seems ambivalent and you deserve better than that, no matter what type of relationship it is.

 

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 8:04am
I agree with this. It's obvious she cares and he's hurt her feelings by not calling her after she's called him a few times. He just seems as if he put her on the back burner so to speak. As if she wasn't important then but now I guess he feels as though he's let her suffer enough so he'll return her call when he's ready. You can't be friends with him because he's not even treating you like a friend. I believe when people say they can tremain friends, deep down in the back of their minds, they're hoping for something more. In reality they get even less.

Forget him. Don't call him. He's toyed with you enough. Don't be his puppet. Move on. He'll only do it again. Trust me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2004
Sat, 02-14-2004 - 12:55pm
Thanks Bklynchik, for the insight. But also, what it could be...guys also like to pull back to see how needy a woman is too. Looking at it from a guys angle, he could very well be trying to see how I am going to react after not hearing from him. It's cool though, I talked to him and played it very cool like it really didn't matter to me either way. But I hear what your saying though...either way, you can't let them see you sweat!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sat, 02-14-2004 - 12:59pm
You're absolutely right--some guys do do that. But 3 weeks is a bit over the top girl. Listen you sound smart and like you have your head on your shoulders--there are plenty of men who would appreciate you for that... this guy is a chump. LOL

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2004
Sat, 02-14-2004 - 4:35pm
LOL, at the chump comment. Hey maybe your right. What is so frustrating though is how he says all the right things to me, says he wants to be with me...but then does this. I think I'll have to be completely through for him to see I can't be treated like that. How do you suggest I go about being "through" with him, without dogging him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sat, 02-14-2004 - 5:21pm
Man he sounds like my ex--the lines he used to run would have my head spinning. I mean he put the OO in smOOth. LOL.

I think the only thing you can do is act like a lady and stand your ground. Next time he calls ask him nicely to please not call you. Tell him you want to find a serious relationship with someone who is consistent, not someone who will call only when it's convenient for them. Let him know that if ever there comes a time when he's serious about pursuing something to let you know and if you're still willing, you'll consider it. And be nice about it, no yelling or cursing... I mean it's really just about you letting him know what you want and that he's not meeting your needs.

And most important, don't fall for the lines he's gonna throw at you. All my guys friends tell me to watch men's actions. They've told me the lines come easy but it's the actions that really matter--remember that!

I hope this helped. Just try to be strong and remind yourself that you deserve a man who will be there for you 24/7 and not one that you will need to make excuses for.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2004
Sun, 02-15-2004 - 11:22am
Thanks bklynchik...

When you told your ex those things how did he react? Did he actually listen and try to have a relationship with you? Just wondering how effective that strategy was...I am gonna definetly blow him off...just not sure how yet. I was just going to turn him down the next time he asks me out, but that may not be enough...I am gonna have to tell him its not a good idea for us to try to pursue anything, bottom line. But, tell me how your situation turned out and they can help me in my situation. Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sun, 02-15-2004 - 12:41pm
It wasn't until recently when I really put my foot down with him. We kept going back and forth and I would tell him I couldn't deal with things the way they were and we wouldn't talk to each other for awhile and then he'd call out of the blue. But that's the thing--it was always on his terms, not mine. He told me he wanted me back and we even tried it for a bit but it was all about him--what he wanted, etc. (That's why I recognize that trait in your guy.) My problem was that I was blinded by the love I had for him and had I realized things earlier on, it would have saved a lot of heartache. He also confused me with all the smooth talk--how he wanted to be with me, how he cared about me, how he missed me and thought of me all the time...

Things didn't improve until I just laid it out for him. After us going through the same pattern for awhile I got tired of it and just told him that I still had feelings for him and until those feelings died I could never be his friend. So I asked him to not call me again until and that I would call him when I was over him. To me, doing those 'never call me again...' things doesn't work because it's almost like a challenge. His reaction was along the lines of 'when will I talk to you again...' and then he tried to lay doubt in my head by saying 'well I can't really say anything because you made up your mind already...' So be careful of him trying to flip the script on you.

In the case of my ex, he's respected my wishes and it's given me the time to move forward...

I hope this answers your question. Feel free to email me if not... :)

And good luck!!! Keep us posted.




Edited 2/15/2004 12:48:27 PM ET by bklynchik

 

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