I've never asked a guy out before

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
I've never asked a guy out before
8
Sat, 02-14-2004 - 3:15am
There's this guy at work who was attracted to me a few years back, but at the time I had just started dating another guy at work, so nothing ever came of it. I saw him publicly recently for the first time in years and my interest was sparked, so I emailed him. He responded positively to my email, and to my invitation to meet for coffee. That went quite well, judging by the fun and light tone of the conversation, and the fact that he appeared to be enjoying himself. He did tell me that he considers himself to be a shy person, and I can believe that, as he is definitely the intellectual type. He's a bit on the nerdy side, and I can imagine that many girls over the years have rejected him outright, maybe causing him to lack confidence about his attractiveness to women. But I'm definitely attracted to him!

How do I know if he's interested?

I've never pursued a guy before, never initiated a relationship, so I don't know what I'm dealing with here. For the next few months, he's going to be extremely busy at work (without revealing the details, I do know this to be a fact). In addition his work schedule has him working really odd hours, 7 days a week. He's extremely well mannered, so I don't know how much I can read into his responses to my emails, which are pleasant and friendly. I'm guessing that if he weren't so well mannered, he might communicate lack of interest by simply not responding to my emails.

I don't mind continuing to do the initiating, for awhile at least, but I have no idea how to read the situation as it progresses! Help!! Are there any guidelines for this kind of thing?

I'd love to hear from guys and girls about this! Thanks for reading, and thanks for your thoughts.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 02-14-2004 - 7:38am

Well, you know he was attracted to you in the past and seemed happy to take you up on your coffee offer so there is definitely some openness to you there.

,
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-14-2004 - 8:30am
To me if a man is sincerely interested and available he will ask me out on a proper date no matter how busy he is (unless he is that busy that he is unavailable for a relationship) - I think you've done more than enough pursuing/initiating and now the ball is in his court. I've been on about 25 first dates since September and there often seems to be no rhyme or reason - the ones who seem to be having a good time don't call, I will think he'll had a bad time and he'll call - and last night we had a really great time but discovered major differences in certain lifestyle choices - and yet he has already emailed me to ask me out again.

I do take issue with your description of him as nerdy and your assumptions about that. If he has healthy self confidence and just looks a little nerdy you can bet - especially when you get into your 30's - that he will be snapped up quickly and may have to fight off the women with a stick. If he is not reasonably confident it doesn't matter if he looks like a stud - those kind of vibes likely will turn women off.

I have never found asking men out/being the main pursuer in the beginning - to be an effective way to have a healthy relationship nor has anyone I know, especially where you've already asked him out once and emailed him several times, accept that if he is interested he will pursue you no matter how busy he is. perhaps he did have a great time but is just not that into you in that way - I've had lovely times with men I had no attraction to romantically and perhaps they thought I was interested romantically - who knows?

If you do decide to pursue him, be ready to do most of the treating and planning and following up and decide whether that will make you feel happy and good - call him on the phone and ask him out in advance for a date where you initiate the suggestions for where to go (since it is your treat) and be prepared to do that each and every time. Will he accept? Could be - he enjoys your company and likely will be flattered - will he be any more into you by spending time with you on a date you planned or initiated - my guess is no - there are exceptions - but my guess is that he will date you because it's fun, maybe he will even have sex with you and buy you breakfast the next morning - but when he meets a woman who intrigues him and sparks his interest and who he is really into - he will pursue her - that is my best guess - and you will feel icky about putting yourself out there the way you did.

Just my opinion and no it doesn't matter to me that it is 2004 and not 1954 - it's not wrong for a woman to pursue a man, just typically ineffective, in my personal experience and in the experience of others I know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-14-2004 - 10:16am
I've almost exclusively dated very busy people with unpredictable schedules - the ones who were sincerely interested always asked me out at least a few days in advance - if she lets him know she is Last Minute Girl she likely will always be an afterthought or a back up plan even when she's not busy. and, other than being warm and friendly, I don't see why you should have to encourage someone to ask you out on a date - if they need convincing, what's the point - encouraging to ask out last minute also sends an unfavorable impression IMHO.

Finally, I think sending a vday email is a little overboard - they've only been on one date from her pursuing him and he hasn't asked her out for a second date.

JMHO!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-14-2004 - 11:33am
I think the ball is in his court and it's on him to ask you out now. He knows that you like him and where you are, leave it alone now. Some men find assertive women a big turn on...but not aggressive women. My (male) cousin taught me that it's ok to call a guy once, but not twice...an interested man will call you back. My male friends all agree with my cousin.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Sat, 02-14-2004 - 8:03pm
Deena, tell us what you really think!

"To me if a man is sincerely interested and available he will ask me out on a proper date no matter how busy he is (unless he is that busy that he is unavailable for a relationship)"

He is really busy right now, and that will continue a bit into the next few months. I won't say on what, because it's very important, very high profile, on the news everyday, and I'd like to maintain what iota of privacy is possible on the internet. Not that you need to know, but he took my invitation and turned it into asking me for a proper date.

" I've been on about 25 first dates since September "

Wow. that's a really high number. That has to be from one or more online dating/escort services. Personally, I'm alot more selective than that.

"I do take issue with your description of him as nerdy and your assumptions about that. "

I consider myself to be a nerd, in spite of the fact that due to my looks and figure, I have never suffered from a lack of male attention. I am a smart woman, and I work in an intellectual field. As such, I have seen many highly educated, not socially gregarious men marry women who were the aggressor, because these guys don't have a clue. Besides, who are you to take issue with my description?

"If he has healthy self confidence and just looks a little nerdy you can bet - especially when you get into your 30's - that he will be snapped up quickly and may have to fight off the women with a stick. If he is not reasonably confident it doesn't matter if he looks like a stud - those kind of vibes likely will turn women off. "

Ironically, your phrasing above puts the woman as the agressors, literally with the reference to beating them off with a stick!

He is in his forties, and works in a field where the male/female ratio is about 50/3, with the majority of those women being secretaries. Perhaps you have never experienced a situation like this?

"Just my opinion and no it doesn't matter to me that it is 2004 and not 1954 - it's not wrong for a woman to pursue a man, just typically ineffective, in my personal experience and in the experience of others I know."

You may not be aware how strident your very strong opinions make you appear.

In my experience, nice guys generally don't like that type of demeanor.

Just my opinion.



iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 8:58pm
Here's an update to the situation...

I saw him again yesterday for the second time. It was at my suggestion, and without providing any details, the suggestion was rather unique, and it was something that really appealed to him, and a thing which most women would avoid suggesting to a new man.

So we went on this outing. I had made the suggestion about a month ago, he got back to me and said he was busy for a couple of weekends, which by default implied it would be this weekend, then called me on Thursday. I wasn't home, so he left a message. It was rather interesting - his voice sounded tight, got higher in pitch, then cracked. He talked about going on the outing this weekend, then asked me to give him a call sometime. Sounded to me like he was anxious and afraid that for whatever reason that I might rebuff him.

I got home late, and since he had said to call him at work, I did, Friday afternoon. I got his voice mail, I said I was calling him back. I made a point to make my voice sound happy and open, and I said I looked forward to talking to him.

Within two minutes my phone was ringing! He was all apologetic, saying he'd been out of his office enjoying an orange. That kind of thing indicates he has at least some amount of enthusiasm going on. So we made our plans for the next morning.

So, we went on the outing yesterday. I got some mixed signals, but things always seemed to return to indicating something positive, so I just went with the flow. He kept suggesting things to do to extend the outing, which was fine with me.

So, at the end of the outing, he launches into this speech - "I really like everything we've been doing together, but I don't know what your expectations are, and I don't want to lead you on, but don't expect anything romantic."

I was quite a bit taken aback. Granted, since I had contacted him out of the blue after meeting him several years ago, I can't blame him for wondering exactly what my intentions and expectations might be.

I told him, "well, I don't really know you, and I think that at this point for me to expect something romantic would involve quite a bit of fantasy and imagination."

I continued to stammer while trying to regain my composure. When that didn't happen I decided what the heck, he threw the blunt thing out there, why not go with it. So I said so, "ok, if we're gonna do the blunt thing, I'll go with it. Why not?"

And he proceeded to tell me that he had recently started seeing this woman, and mumbled something about compartmentalizing women into friends, versus romantic, and well he wanted to see where this thing would go.

Whew! what a relief! He's into interacting with me in the ways that I've presented, and wants to continue to do so! I'm so glad I've done this. Having always been on the receiving end of the pursuit thing, I've often felt bored and frustrated. The guys always set the tone and nature of the developing relationship. But what about when there's this interesting thing that I want to do, and I'd like to do it with a guy?

So cool. I told him have no expectations along those lines, and that I'm happy for him. Because now I can be myself, and ask for his companionship, and proceed to get to know him without all that pressure that is inherent in a new romantic relationship. All that anxiety can be syphoned off in some other direction. My actions, I can be taken at face value rather than being viewed through this emotionally charged filter of "the romantic relationship"

Plus he likes me for the things that I like about myself. He responds to alot of intellectual, artistic and technical things that I get excited about, in a complimentary way. It's so hard to find this kind of thing, that I'll take it in whatever form I can get it. Of course it would be wonderful to also have this type of personal interaction in a romantic relationship, but this is such a rare thing.

Of course, alot of this has to do with who he is as a person, and I'm not so sure how well it would work with other men. He's shy, not very assertive with women, I daresay even afraid of women. But I've had lots of Romeo's, smooth ladies' men body builders, gorgeous guys, succesful powerful men who were only interested in me as a conquest, an arm decoration, and not as my own person, with a mind and life of my own.

Who knows where this will go. I'm just happy at my own personal growth.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 9:57pm
Please be careful - you are not listening to what he is saying - he is not that into you - which is why he didn't jump at the chance to schedule a date and he has made it clear that he is dating someone else and does not see you in a romantic way - he tried to put that as nicely as possible. He does not sound the least bit shy, just not that into you - you will not grow if you rationalize that it is just a matter of time - to me growth would be accepting that he is not into you romantically and that if you continue to have romantic feelings for him and pursue him it will be very uncomfortable. I have been with reasonably assertive men who pursued me and were perfectly lovely people - I am not sure why you're falling all over yourself to rationalize why this man is not pursuing you - it is simple - you don't do it for him and that is fine - not a negative reflection on you in the least!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 6:40am
I totally agree.