what's his issue?
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what's his issue?
| Sat, 02-14-2004 - 10:42am |
i'Ve been seeing this guy for two months now, he is wonderful and he has done so many things to impress me. we're talking candle light dinners, etc. so i fall in love with him, and i figure, he feels the same.
then the other night, we were slightly drunk and we talked about how neither of us has ever had a relationship, so i decided to mention that i'm always too chicken to say something to the person i'm into. and i said "like i never managed to say a word to you" or something like that, he said "yeah you did, you sent me a text message". (which is totall chicken, i know.. i had sent him a message telling him i think he's great, that was about all). so we got to talking about it, he said he had already suspected it from the way i looked at him when we said goodbye, he got the text message, he didn't know what to say. and obviously, he didn't back down. he didn't keep distance or act any different. he told me he never wanted me to think he's trying to "score" by doing all he does for me... so he never said he doesn't "love" me or anything, he just said he's afraid a relationship would ruin it and he does not want to lose me. i don't know what i'm supposed to do, we keep seeing each other, i pick him up from work and we go out to have a drink and what not. he definitely wants me by his side but for some reason, he doesn't want more. i wish i could make myself believe he just needs some time to sort things out or that he is just afraid of committment. but i'm also scared to death that he'll just meet another woman at some point and then i'll know what's up. the thing is, if he keeps hanging out with me (especially if i were crazy enough to move in with him, which he wants me to, and be around him all the time), i won't be able to think negatively. i don't know, i can't even feel unloved because he basically told me i'm so special to him he doesn't ever want to let me go. but what's this ting about putting me on some pedestal, that makes no sense. maybe this is the closest to a relationship he thinks he's able to ever have, i do not know.
i'm not sure if he's emotionally capable of handling this kinda stuff, seeing how he hardly understood that i didn't want to see him the next day. he felt really bad and was afraid i'd just call it quits.
i have no idea what to do. i can't let him go, he's too important to me. anyone?
thanks for listening
then the other night, we were slightly drunk and we talked about how neither of us has ever had a relationship, so i decided to mention that i'm always too chicken to say something to the person i'm into. and i said "like i never managed to say a word to you" or something like that, he said "yeah you did, you sent me a text message". (which is totall chicken, i know.. i had sent him a message telling him i think he's great, that was about all). so we got to talking about it, he said he had already suspected it from the way i looked at him when we said goodbye, he got the text message, he didn't know what to say. and obviously, he didn't back down. he didn't keep distance or act any different. he told me he never wanted me to think he's trying to "score" by doing all he does for me... so he never said he doesn't "love" me or anything, he just said he's afraid a relationship would ruin it and he does not want to lose me. i don't know what i'm supposed to do, we keep seeing each other, i pick him up from work and we go out to have a drink and what not. he definitely wants me by his side but for some reason, he doesn't want more. i wish i could make myself believe he just needs some time to sort things out or that he is just afraid of committment. but i'm also scared to death that he'll just meet another woman at some point and then i'll know what's up. the thing is, if he keeps hanging out with me (especially if i were crazy enough to move in with him, which he wants me to, and be around him all the time), i won't be able to think negatively. i don't know, i can't even feel unloved because he basically told me i'm so special to him he doesn't ever want to let me go. but what's this ting about putting me on some pedestal, that makes no sense. maybe this is the closest to a relationship he thinks he's able to ever have, i do not know.
i'm not sure if he's emotionally capable of handling this kinda stuff, seeing how he hardly understood that i didn't want to see him the next day. he felt really bad and was afraid i'd just call it quits.
i have no idea what to do. i can't let him go, he's too important to me. anyone?
thanks for listening

I think it is silly of you to even consider moving in with someone who is not in love with you and doesn't want a relationship with you - don't you value yourself more than that?
What I personally would do - and this is not advice - just what I would do - I would stop seeing him and tell him not to contact me unless he changed his mind - I would say it succintly and sweetly and without analysis or begging or whining and then I would stick to it. It would be easier for me than for you because I never assume a man loves me unless he tells me sincerely and talks sincerely of a future with me and unless I know him for a few months, with few exceptions. Candle light dinners - very very nice - so is the large size cough medicine the man I am dating brought over for me a month ago when I was sick, and so is three phone calls in 24 hours after a very traumatic, almost violent experience at work, from him, just to check in. Would I assume love from a fancy restaurant - never ever - would I assume it from the last two examples - more so - but until he says it, sincerely he doesn't love you or is unwilling to overcome his fear of commitment to open up and just feel - either way - you're not on the same page and it doesn't matter what his issue is.
It sounds to me like you two are having a relationship, but both of you are scared of the words and of saying we're going to be a couple. But having a man say the words and make the commitment to me is so important that I can't see any way around it. There is no way that I would move in with a man who couldn't do this for me. To move in with him would be stupid...it means that you're accepting of the situation as it is INDEFINITELY. There should be a plan i.e. we're getting married in a year (and have spend the year making the plans), you're going to be a committed couple in long term relationship- this is it kind of thing, etc.
Think on this...the man can never take it to the next level, you move in with him, you're sleeping together, you're getting hurt because he still can't be in a relationship, you get confused because you thought sleeping together and living together meant that you were having a relationship...you two have a LOT to talk about before you move in. Ask him where he sees himself relationship wise in a year or two...or five.
Good luck making a decision.