Women taking the initiative...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Women taking the initiative...
1
Sat, 02-14-2004 - 1:17pm
I know we always have debates about women taking the initiative and all that and I usually agree that the man should do most of the pursuing. But I have met yet another couple in which the woman did her fair share of pursuing and they have now been together for over 10 years, happily married...

I think as time goes on I'm realizing there is no "formula" for any of this and that in the end, it all comes down to meeting the right person at the right time in your and their life.

Just wanted to share because I'm always struggling with the "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts."

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-14-2004 - 4:50pm
Of course there are exceptions - it's a matter of odds and the level of risk you want to take - to me pursuing a man in the beginning is an unnecessary risk and with respect to the couple you met you really have no idea how happy they are even if they tell you they are. I think it is a cliche - right person at right time - of course that's true and I believe that a man can change his mind early on as to whether you are right for him if he feels overwhelmed by your pursuing him - first impressions can change if he is uncomfortable with that approach (many men are flattered but uncomfortable as far as responding and wanting a relationship with that person).

I agree there are no hard and fast should or shouldnt's - which is why I have asked men out in the beginning - in the past - the most recent time was September 2003 when I asked a man out for a second date after what I thought was a fabulous first date - he accepted and I realized quickly that while he was attracted to me and liked me he felt defensive about our career/income disparity and that I should have left well enough alone - no big deal. Would I ask out a man again, ever - sure! Do I expect it to turn into anything - absolutely not. Do I regret not calling the 10 or so guys out of the 25 I met through the internet in person since September to ask them for a second date - nope - I just cannot see that I missed out on any opportunity with a man who wasn't interested enough to ask me out again.

Also, you don't know if what the woman in that couple is happy with is what you would be happy with - perhaps she has had to continue making much of the effort in the relationship throughout and perhaps that is fine with her - it would not be with me - would it be, with you? Perhaps he is the sort of weak indecisive type so she gets to make most of the decisions and she might love that role. I don't say at all that she did the wrong thing - after all she is happy - but my guess is that he would have pursued her had she waited patiently for him to come around.

Just my thoughts - have a great weekend!