Dump him over a "hunch"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2003
Dump him over a "hunch"?
1
Sat, 02-14-2004 - 11:59pm
I've been with my boyfriend for a year now, and for the most part, things have been wonderful. We are very compatible and enjoy each other's company, and he is very loving and affectionate towards me. The past few months, however, I cannot shake the feeling that he may be cheating on me. He's recently taken a second job bartending, so he's been working 60-70 hour weeks and works odd hours. On top of that, he has a female co-worker at the bar who I am suspicious of...when she first started, he constantly talked about how annoying and what a dingbat she was and how he couldn't stand her (yet would sound jealous when he mentioned her boyfriend)...then a few weeks later commented on the fact of how feminine and tiny she looked in a certain outfit she wore one night...and now he never mentions her at all. This seems fishy to me. But as hard as I've tried, I cannot find any actual evidence that he is cheating on me. And whenever I do voice my concerns and worries to him, he is very patient and reassuring, telling me I am the only one he wants and how lucky he feels to be with me. But as soon as I go home, then I'm worrying about whether he's up to no good.

Now I will admit, I have been cheated on a couple times in the past, so I definitely have some trust issues. I don't know if my suspicions are just a result of my insecurities....or if my intuition really is right. Has anyone else dealt with this, and if so, have any advice or suggestions? I don't know if I'm being commitmentphobic here, or if I do have a basis on which to break up with my boyfriend? I really don't want to...I really love and care about him a lot. I'm so conflicted--help!!

Diane

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Sun, 02-15-2004 - 4:10am
I have not dealt with your situation but I think it makes sense that you have your suspicions especially if you claim that you have certain trust issues from men who cheated on you before.

You said so yourself that you cannot find evidence that he is cheating on you. Maybe there is nothing to look for because it does not exist. And he seems sincere in trying to assure you of his commitment to you. Don't you trust him? At least I can sense that you have a relationship where you feel open and safe to disclose your worries and concerns with him. If his assurance is not enough, then perhaps, your insecurities and past experiences are overwhelming/haunting you, for whatever reasons that are only relevant to you.

Your hunches and feelings are yours, but they do not necessarily reflect reality. They are your own internal world and projection of what you perceive the world to be...as much as what you think about your relationship with your boyfriend and his intentions.

To answer the tile of your post, "No." It doesn't invalidate your hunch, but I think that it would be unfortunate to let go of what sounds to be an overall good relationship for you with a man you describe as loving and affectionate towards you, the way that you feel towards him....except when your suspicions take over.

As far as your bf's comments about a female co-worker which he stopped mentioning, maybe it was just casual and he realized that it's not appropriate to bring her up in conversations anymore because *you* are his girlfriend. If he turns out to be lying and he is indeed cheating where you can back it with evidence,...then that's a completely different story.



You have to do what is right for you, but maybe you need to sort out your feelings with a counselor or a trusted third party so you would not make any rash decisions for the wrong reasons.