He will marry me but doesnt want to be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
He will marry me but doesnt want to be?
3
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 9:52am
I have been dating this man for 4 years. I broke up with him because I wanted to get married but he didnt. After 1 week he said he would marry me in 3 years. He also said he did not want to be married but did not want to lose me or see me date others. He has been divorced for 7 years with a 9 yr old son. He is 51. I am 45. At first I was happy about it, but now I am wondering if I am being logical about this. If he doesnt really want to be married, will it work? Am I wrong to think this is the right thing?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 10:06am
I think your doubts are wise. If a person isn't into anything 100% then chances are it will not work. A marriage is a lot of work. It takes two people who are committed to the marriage. If you only have one who is committed to it, then that person has to take up the slack for the other and eventually it will come to a grinding halt.

If he doesn't want marriage now and you do get married, his excuse for anything can always be "I didn't want this in the first place..." Listen to your gut on this one. Don't push someone into something their heart isn't into--you'll just pay for it later.

Hope this helps.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 10:22am
Unless you're 21 or under, if someone said he would marry me in 3 years it would be the same as in 30 years "when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you want the rest of your life to start right then"- seems to me marriage is hard enough without being with someone who really doesn't want to be married - sure, not wanting to lose someone is part of a reason to be married but it cannot be the whole thing - do you really think that in 2.5 years after you've been dating exclusively and the wedding is 6 months away he will still be worried about losing you - enough to motivate him to walk down the aisle? Tell him that 3 years is fine with you - and if that is his time table, he can call you in 2.5 years with a ring and an official proposal and you will wait 6 months to be married - but until that time he cannot contact you and you plan to date others.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 10:23am
I don't think it has to be 100% but it sounds like he is not into it at all.